one a scale of 1-10... we're narrowing on on a 1.5

I had wanted to start my journal on a good note- how I've changed, whats been different and how great it has been to have you home for the holidays.  How great its been to have found harmony again and to be us again.  That entry will have to wait.  For now This needs to be aired out, and it needs to be said wether you read it now or not.

When I first heard," I'll be home for the holidays, I have 10 days." I thought wow its going to be amazing to have him home.  There is alot going on... and I started as usual being the queen of lists everyone knows me to be.  It started with who wanted to make plans when and who we would have to see between them all... and it started adding up.  But never did I imagine that I would feel the way I have over the last several days. 

I knew before hand that the three days surrounding and involving christmas were going to be chaotic, were going to be filled to the brim and I'd be lucky to get some sleep.  But I never imagined that I would feel like I didn't have a christmas.  Yes we traveled here there and everywhere to see family, had the yankee swap, went to see both sides of our family, had breakfast at the house, opened presents and the whole lot.  The only thing that we did was decorate the tree.   There was no sitting around together and opening gifts or going through stockings, or even pretending to.  We had no time- there was no, Oh wow you got me a cute little *insert item here* there was no," Aww baby thank you I needed this for my trip."  Its just been one event after the other on a checklist of things we needed to do. 

I got two things for christmas- One I bought for myself, and was never wrapped it jsut arrived and went under the tree.  The other I have had to share for the last 6 days with everyone else who has wanted a piece of my present. In most part becuase I can't be selfish and keep you all to myself.  I know how much you hate it when I cry, but I feel them coming again as I write this and vent and get it out of my system.  But we've had all of two hours together since you got home that first day that we weren't off busy getting doing something on the checklist ( your tattoo... meals, family visits, everything involved in Xmas).  You said at one point that you didn't get me anything becuase you didn't know what to get me.  And in all honesty- I don't know either becuase I still haven't stopped for more than 5 minutes to say gee... I'd really like *this* or maybe one of *these* There is always something else up on the lsit that has to be done, or someone else in the family wants to see you. 

I really feel like im just the girl that picked you up and tags along when you go somewhere.  On several occasions you've asked me if I had a good time while we were out with family, or out to dinner with someone.  And I've had the same answer- that I did.  Only becuse I got to be near you, or I had a decent conversation.  But to be honest I would feel so much better if I jsut had some amount of time over the last near week to just be with you.  And not be in a store hearing," Well we have to be here in two hours" Or at home and hear " We have to leave soon for this"

Do I know its coming tomorrow and Thursday? Yes... but its taken how long for me... for your wife to get some decent amount of time with you, her husband, due to the fact that everyone else wants all the time they can get with you.  I feel like I'm just along for the ride. 

I'm your family now too.  In some circles I am your family.  After doing a little research according to Gensis 2:24- I am your family you and I are one... ( paraphrasing here) you leave mom and dad and join with me... for our family.  And yes  Your mom's husband and Your dad's wife weren't invited, but damn it if I'm supposed to feel like part of the family and get along with your sister... then why was I left out this morning? It hurts to be left at home for a "family event."  I feel like my little sisters boyfriend gets involved and treated like more of a member of the family than I do by yours.  And I don't know how to fix that...

And part of this problem is that I don't know what I want.  I have time with you now and I don't know what to do with it.  I don't know if I want a nice dinner, to go out and do something, to sit around and watch new movies or what I haven't had time.  But as I sit here... I feel more and more like I'm getting the leftovers of whatever if left of your time AFTER everyone else.  The rest of your giant family got christmas... Family is going to have new years eve.  And I was so excited to go to Starr and Jenny's out far far away becuse it was us- It was you and me.. And now New Years is going to be family, with a side dish of me. 

I don't understand it... 10 days at home... and your wife gets... a day and a half...