Once again, its been some timesince I've written. But today I haz good news.
I had an interview today, and while it may not be the best of jobs. It pays $10 an hour, and is closer to home than my last job, and The interview went really well. They won't be making call backs until next week but I think I have a good shot. * Grins really big* There is a second job that I am putting a resume in for, thats even closer to home and I think I will enjoy just as much. There is finally some good news on the job front... YAAAAAY. And I'm working on some new resumes and getting some tips and tricks for interviews so that they will lookpast the potential flaky-ness of them.
This weekend I have a family party on sunday, and midweek I'm doing dinner with my mother in law. Good times to be had. Sir wants me to get out of the hosue more so I'm adding it in. A few family events, a few frivolous find things ( like karaoke) and hitting the gym are all going to help me out. I'm very excited. I"ll probably hit the gym tomorrow... take sunday off before I meet up with my trainer on Monday. I need to make suer though that I am eating better, and in the right portions more often during the day. Yesterday and today I did not so well with the whole eating more than... once or twice.
I think one of the things I'm going to do, at least for the next week or so is schedule out my time, if I wake up at 7, fit in breakfast, packing my gym bag, walking the puppy all that good stuff so that I can look at the day and say alright When its noon I need to be eating my lunch. That would help things alot... It would help me alot. The Queen of lists strikes again.
I'm feeling better today, much better than the last few days, but I don't think I have fully pulled out of my downswing yet. I'm on the up, but I'm still not free. I'll just keep plugging away and we'll see where I get to.
Good night and sweet dreams...
Always,
me
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Communication is Key...
So after my last rant of a post, during a less than composed emotional moment- I did in fact recieve another phone call. ( this by the way makes the thrid post in one day.)
The first words out of Sirs mouth were "are you sure you're alright?"
And that was when I realized that this was my chance- He and I have spoken on many occasions about communication amongst other things. So I took a moment to explain that I've just been overly... stressed and that how things came out just tipped the scales.
It was good to just have a few moments to chat, and talk and hash things out so to speak. And one topic of discussion was making sure I am getting out enough. Goal to work on. I knowI get out, but maybe I need to be getting out a little more than I do.
I'm journaled out for the night... I'll write more soon. but I wanted to get this in that I am doing better... and that I did get to talk to my Sir and that things are better now that I had more time to chat.
* deep realxed breath*
Now if the pressure and the headache would go away...
Always,
me
The first words out of Sirs mouth were "are you sure you're alright?"
And that was when I realized that this was my chance- He and I have spoken on many occasions about communication amongst other things. So I took a moment to explain that I've just been overly... stressed and that how things came out just tipped the scales.
It was good to just have a few moments to chat, and talk and hash things out so to speak. And one topic of discussion was making sure I am getting out enough. Goal to work on. I knowI get out, but maybe I need to be getting out a little more than I do.
I'm journaled out for the night... I'll write more soon. but I wanted to get this in that I am doing better... and that I did get to talk to my Sir and that things are better now that I had more time to chat.
* deep realxed breath*
Now if the pressure and the headache would go away...
Always,
me
One for the record...
Two in one day. It may never happen again...
This is supposed to be for how I am feeling, well here goes ready or not...
ITs been damn close to a week since I've spoken to you Sir. I'm stressed otu and worried about the dog, money, my lack of finding a job, and in general jsut a little on the harried side. To add to that over the last few days I've felt like someone ran over my head and forgot to leave a note. Yes I have medicine, yes they are sort of helping but I still feel like a walking pile of unpleasantness.
I realize that you will not read this for quite a bit of time but you get to see it anyway.
Sir the way you said things this afternoon was a total asshole move, and it really hurt. THATS why I started to cry on the phone. It never leaves my side, its attached to me for fear of missing out on a phone call. And you know all too well how often the phone will not ring inside of the house, no matter where it is or who is calling. So why on earth, knowing this fact would you not leave me a message? And then to add to that to phrase it the way you did on the phone: " Where were you the other day, why didn't you pick up the phone" "You called? The phone never rang?" " Well it did and it went to voice mail. I jsut didn't feel like leaving a message so I called my mom instead."
It hurts that even though you know that the phone will do that that you didn't care enough to leave me the tiniest of messages. Anything. I miss you damnit, and even just a " hey baby tried to call guess the phone was acting up again" would have been nice. I understand that you don't have a whole lot of time to talk when you do get a chance to use the phone. Even a small message brightens my day, anything would have been nicer than how things came out on the phone this afternoon.
please Sir, next time leave me something... You were quick to get off the phone on tuesday becuase I could tell you were angry with me becuase the package didn't get out on saturday. But I've been sitting here all week wondering if you were still mad, or if you didn't get a chance to call, or if you were on your way elsewhere. If you had time to call your mother, surely there were a few moments for me to leave a teensy mesage to let me know that you had at least called...
*takes a deep breath*
Always
This is supposed to be for how I am feeling, well here goes ready or not...
ITs been damn close to a week since I've spoken to you Sir. I'm stressed otu and worried about the dog, money, my lack of finding a job, and in general jsut a little on the harried side. To add to that over the last few days I've felt like someone ran over my head and forgot to leave a note. Yes I have medicine, yes they are sort of helping but I still feel like a walking pile of unpleasantness.
I realize that you will not read this for quite a bit of time but you get to see it anyway.
Sir the way you said things this afternoon was a total asshole move, and it really hurt. THATS why I started to cry on the phone. It never leaves my side, its attached to me for fear of missing out on a phone call. And you know all too well how often the phone will not ring inside of the house, no matter where it is or who is calling. So why on earth, knowing this fact would you not leave me a message? And then to add to that to phrase it the way you did on the phone: " Where were you the other day, why didn't you pick up the phone" "You called? The phone never rang?" " Well it did and it went to voice mail. I jsut didn't feel like leaving a message so I called my mom instead."
It hurts that even though you know that the phone will do that that you didn't care enough to leave me the tiniest of messages. Anything. I miss you damnit, and even just a " hey baby tried to call guess the phone was acting up again" would have been nice. I understand that you don't have a whole lot of time to talk when you do get a chance to use the phone. Even a small message brightens my day, anything would have been nicer than how things came out on the phone this afternoon.
please Sir, next time leave me something... You were quick to get off the phone on tuesday becuase I could tell you were angry with me becuase the package didn't get out on saturday. But I've been sitting here all week wondering if you were still mad, or if you didn't get a chance to call, or if you were on your way elsewhere. If you had time to call your mother, surely there were a few moments for me to leave a teensy mesage to let me know that you had at least called...
*takes a deep breath*
Always
Starting the day off...
Strange...
Thats how I feel today, or at least this morning. Strange. A little off. Something doesn't feel right. But I can't piece it together. I know what part of it is. I woke up this morning after dreaming about my Sir and I miss him, ALOT. As far as what I am going to do about it I haven't decided. Let's partner this with the fact that as I was walking down the stairs to bring the puppy outside, my collar fell off my neck. Clasp came undone somehow and slipped from around my neck.
I put it back where it belongs and redid the clasp on it and put it back where it belongs, but it was just odd that it happened this morning after having a dream about going off to the Casino and having a wonderful "date" of sorts with my Sir. I haven't spokenwith him in several days. I could use jsut a few words from him. Like I said, I just feel strange.
I got up this morning, showered, did a little cleaning had some breakfast... and the pressure headache sinus thingy I have is still here. I cut it off early with a dose of sudafed so its working for the most part. And the lights arn't bothering me today so I'm 50% better off than whereI was yesterday.
I've been mostly productive this side of the day- 75% of the apartment is clean, ( need to tackle the bedroom but I need quarters to do laundry in order to do that). And I've recently settled into more job hunting stuff, and I found a job I think I would like on craigslist, but I need to work on my resume and Cover letter, but I haven't the foggiest idea of whee to start with that...
Strange.
Exactly how I feel... I wouldn't say depressed, or low cuase thats not it. I miss him, but thats normal.
:O
I'm bored! thats what it is... I don't know what to do with myself.... FFS Damnit Sir you were right I do need a job before I go out of my mind...
Thats how I feel today, or at least this morning. Strange. A little off. Something doesn't feel right. But I can't piece it together. I know what part of it is. I woke up this morning after dreaming about my Sir and I miss him, ALOT. As far as what I am going to do about it I haven't decided. Let's partner this with the fact that as I was walking down the stairs to bring the puppy outside, my collar fell off my neck. Clasp came undone somehow and slipped from around my neck.
I put it back where it belongs and redid the clasp on it and put it back where it belongs, but it was just odd that it happened this morning after having a dream about going off to the Casino and having a wonderful "date" of sorts with my Sir. I haven't spokenwith him in several days. I could use jsut a few words from him. Like I said, I just feel strange.
I got up this morning, showered, did a little cleaning had some breakfast... and the pressure headache sinus thingy I have is still here. I cut it off early with a dose of sudafed so its working for the most part. And the lights arn't bothering me today so I'm 50% better off than whereI was yesterday.
I've been mostly productive this side of the day- 75% of the apartment is clean, ( need to tackle the bedroom but I need quarters to do laundry in order to do that). And I've recently settled into more job hunting stuff, and I found a job I think I would like on craigslist, but I need to work on my resume and Cover letter, but I haven't the foggiest idea of whee to start with that...
Strange.
Exactly how I feel... I wouldn't say depressed, or low cuase thats not it. I miss him, but thats normal.
:O
I'm bored! thats what it is... I don't know what to do with myself.... FFS Damnit Sir you were right I do need a job before I go out of my mind...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Long time no see
Once again I have fallen into the same trap that I always do - neglecting my journal. And once again for the same reasons, that I have no idea what to write most of the time. Its still one of the more difficult things for me to piece together. What I should put down, unless there is something that I am focused on writing down or feel the utter need to put something down. At this point it has been 10 days since I have put anything in here.
It is a strange mix, it feels like so much has happened and yet not a whole lot all at the same time. I've still not been able to nail down a job, but I have been keeping up with thing in the house, keeping the bills arranged, and taking care of past debts. My little sister, who is in boot camp has been momentarily stalled on Medical hold. I did however learn today that she goes to see the cardiologist on friday of next week. So hopefully then they will know whether or not she may finish. I have been going out every so often to be around others so I am not totally a hermit, or a recluse as one of my dear "friends" called me.
Last night was quite possibly one of the roughests night I have had. If for the only sake that at one point, I began crying becuase I was afraid that I might have to possibly handle being alone if things did not go well with the puppy. (By now I am sure that Sir will red this after I have already spoken with him about it but on the offchance). Last night mydog was yelping at every step to go outside to the bathroom, and refused to walk or move, or be on his feet. When I tried to pick him up to carry him up the stairs- to help alleviate his potential pain- he continued to yelp and whine in pain. So it was all that I could do to call the emergency vet center and take him down to be examined. Several hundred dollars later- He doens't have lyme disease, and his blood came back healthy- However he has either a slipped disc in his back or a pulled muscle. I am hoping beyond all things that it is just a pulled muscle.
Sir once told me that I need to be writing about how I feel, so that while he is gone he can see it and understand how I am feeling. However of all things, And I know I have often said this in the past I am not sure how I feel exactly. I know that I have pulled myself out of the semi-depressive state that I had been in. I know that I am past that at this point. I must admit that I did have a bit of a slide the other night, when I realize that I had disappointed Sir by not having his package out on saturday, further by not having a job yet, and hearing the less than pleasant news that soon the real fun of any loved one at home during a deployment begins.
I myself am dealing with things in general much better than I had last time, and I can only hope that this continues. I wish there was more time to speak with him now before he leaves, but there is so little opportunity for such trifle whims. As much as I miss him it is harder still knowing that it is only beginning. but as we said last time, " It is only a drop in the bucket" and a drop it will be. Even more so a smaller drop than the last one, not by much, but still smaller. I cannot wait for the next time that I will be in his arms, lie with him doing absolutely nothing, and rest my head aginast his leg.
Enough babble for one night... I have to play chauffer again in the morning. I love that they didn't ask until 1:30am for a ride at 9:30. Goodnight and sweet dreams to those reading- I'll do my best to write again tomorrow... or at least once this weekend.
Always,
me
It is a strange mix, it feels like so much has happened and yet not a whole lot all at the same time. I've still not been able to nail down a job, but I have been keeping up with thing in the house, keeping the bills arranged, and taking care of past debts. My little sister, who is in boot camp has been momentarily stalled on Medical hold. I did however learn today that she goes to see the cardiologist on friday of next week. So hopefully then they will know whether or not she may finish. I have been going out every so often to be around others so I am not totally a hermit, or a recluse as one of my dear "friends" called me.
Last night was quite possibly one of the roughests night I have had. If for the only sake that at one point, I began crying becuase I was afraid that I might have to possibly handle being alone if things did not go well with the puppy. (By now I am sure that Sir will red this after I have already spoken with him about it but on the offchance). Last night mydog was yelping at every step to go outside to the bathroom, and refused to walk or move, or be on his feet. When I tried to pick him up to carry him up the stairs- to help alleviate his potential pain- he continued to yelp and whine in pain. So it was all that I could do to call the emergency vet center and take him down to be examined. Several hundred dollars later- He doens't have lyme disease, and his blood came back healthy- However he has either a slipped disc in his back or a pulled muscle. I am hoping beyond all things that it is just a pulled muscle.
Sir once told me that I need to be writing about how I feel, so that while he is gone he can see it and understand how I am feeling. However of all things, And I know I have often said this in the past I am not sure how I feel exactly. I know that I have pulled myself out of the semi-depressive state that I had been in. I know that I am past that at this point. I must admit that I did have a bit of a slide the other night, when I realize that I had disappointed Sir by not having his package out on saturday, further by not having a job yet, and hearing the less than pleasant news that soon the real fun of any loved one at home during a deployment begins.
I myself am dealing with things in general much better than I had last time, and I can only hope that this continues. I wish there was more time to speak with him now before he leaves, but there is so little opportunity for such trifle whims. As much as I miss him it is harder still knowing that it is only beginning. but as we said last time, " It is only a drop in the bucket" and a drop it will be. Even more so a smaller drop than the last one, not by much, but still smaller. I cannot wait for the next time that I will be in his arms, lie with him doing absolutely nothing, and rest my head aginast his leg.
Enough babble for one night... I have to play chauffer again in the morning. I love that they didn't ask until 1:30am for a ride at 9:30. Goodnight and sweet dreams to those reading- I'll do my best to write again tomorrow... or at least once this weekend.
Always,
me
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The shortest of phonecalls make one smile
Over the last few days I've been lucky enough to recieve several phonecalls from my Sir. Mind you the first few of these were- here's my address... I need this, buy these and have them sent to me. But Yesterday I got one of those," Hi... I miss you... I love you... talk to me.." Kind of calls. the kind of phone call that leaves a little bit of time to discuss random topics, what I've been doing and all that sort of thing. It was nice to jsut have a few minutes to offer some random chatt and banter, to her him laugh and to smile back. ITs a great feeling to hear a real voice of psuedo calm as opposed to stress and hurried tones.
I haven't been feeling as productive as I could be. And I know its more of my semi-depressive state, but I'm pushing through it. And I know tht right now its due in prt to the fact that my favorite time of the month has hit, and for the majority of the day I have been sitting with a heating pad on my belly. Its not a good feeling, and its not exactly the best of news in general, that for some reason now two days a month I am feeling like my insides are being pulled through my belly button. And yes, when I go to the docotor it will be the first item of business, I've just got two more months to get through until my checkup.
Tonight I did something I wasn't quite expecting. As many have noticed, over the last several months SL had lost and in many ways still has lost its appeal to me. I'm not the same person that logged in a year and a half ago. I am a stronger person and as my Sir and I put it, getting back to normal. And a good protion of this change I have to attribute to the new group of people I had begun to spend time with. This group is hard to put into words... but here goes, diverse, responsible, hillarious, amazing, fun and... family. With the guiding hand of Sensei I have redisocvered bits of me that I wasn't paying attention to. And I'm standing stronger on my own two feet without feeling like I will fall over if a feather falls on the wind against me. The Ryuoshu and I have recently begun to spend some more time together- he flusteres me, inspires me, encourages me, makes me think, question, and laugh (sometimes all in one shot.) Dread, is like the big brother that leaves himself open to poke at and push buttons, several are like my sibilings, some are shopper freaks, sale-discoverers, builders, clothing deigners, comedians, theoretical discussers... I could go on forever.
Tonight I offocially became a member of the Ichizoku Seikiji. And I couldn't be happier to be an offocial part of this group of amazing people. I know that I have surrounded myself with a good group of people that will help me stay... relatively sane over the coming months while my Sir is gone. In the coming days I will more than likely write a bit more, but sleep is calling my name pretty loudly.
always and sleepy-
harmony
I haven't been feeling as productive as I could be. And I know its more of my semi-depressive state, but I'm pushing through it. And I know tht right now its due in prt to the fact that my favorite time of the month has hit, and for the majority of the day I have been sitting with a heating pad on my belly. Its not a good feeling, and its not exactly the best of news in general, that for some reason now two days a month I am feeling like my insides are being pulled through my belly button. And yes, when I go to the docotor it will be the first item of business, I've just got two more months to get through until my checkup.
Tonight I did something I wasn't quite expecting. As many have noticed, over the last several months SL had lost and in many ways still has lost its appeal to me. I'm not the same person that logged in a year and a half ago. I am a stronger person and as my Sir and I put it, getting back to normal. And a good protion of this change I have to attribute to the new group of people I had begun to spend time with. This group is hard to put into words... but here goes, diverse, responsible, hillarious, amazing, fun and... family. With the guiding hand of Sensei I have redisocvered bits of me that I wasn't paying attention to. And I'm standing stronger on my own two feet without feeling like I will fall over if a feather falls on the wind against me. The Ryuoshu and I have recently begun to spend some more time together- he flusteres me, inspires me, encourages me, makes me think, question, and laugh (sometimes all in one shot.) Dread, is like the big brother that leaves himself open to poke at and push buttons, several are like my sibilings, some are shopper freaks, sale-discoverers, builders, clothing deigners, comedians, theoretical discussers... I could go on forever.
Tonight I offocially became a member of the Ichizoku Seikiji. And I couldn't be happier to be an offocial part of this group of amazing people. I know that I have surrounded myself with a good group of people that will help me stay... relatively sane over the coming months while my Sir is gone. In the coming days I will more than likely write a bit more, but sleep is calling my name pretty loudly.
always and sleepy-
harmony
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I think my complacency in writing my journal is entirely linked to how I am feeling elsewhere. Not only do I not know what to write in my journal, but I don't really know what to do with myself during the day. I don't have a goal in mind, ecept to make it through with relative sanity to next year when my Sir comes home. I haven't put any short term goals together past the party I had on Tuesday.
Maybe its disconnected- I feel like im kinda flaoting through the days. I get my short lists done, but I have no set routine, shcedule or group of activities to do. I haven't even gone to the gym yet since before Christmas. And as far as eating properly I'm not entirely doing that either. Its not that I'm eating terribly, Its just that I'm not eating in any sort of set program. I'll eat a meal maybe two... snack on some almonds here, some cheese there... maybesome carrots and thats been about it.
This isn't something thats being done consciously on purpose. Its jsut happened that way, I don't feel like setting myself down and having a square meal three times a day. At this point im not sleeping well either, I keep falling asleep later and later, and toss and turn through the night. I thought if I made the bed more comfy it might help but it doesn't really... I end up pulling out my sudoku book and having a go. Its not a concious thought of okay im not going to take care of myself. I'm just not thinking of it in those terms, I send out my resumes for what I see in the paper, I make sure the dog is going out, but the last few days I've been sitting around and watching dexter, or television... but nothing really has pushed me in any direction.
I know this isn't monotony, and I spoke with one of my friends last evening. Her soldier is deployed too- She thinks I have cabin fever. So maybe getting out would be a good thing- but I don't want to get out jsut to go sit at someone else's house and watch TV, or somesuch. I want to feel productive- like I'm working toward something... or on something. I just haven't really put it together as to what I want to do, or what it is I want to accomplish.
Well I was reading back through my journal and I did find one thing that sounds interesting- putting together a cook book of sorts. Maybe that will be my first project. Putting together a cook book of recipies I like/want to try... without having to buy a cookbook with all different things that I have no idea how to make. I'll have to look into it.
Until then- Its back to complacency... *sighs* Need to break from the funk... Damn I need a job that I like, something I want to do... not just... " Lets go stand up and be a cashier for 8 hours a day." Maybe I'll apply for that bookkeeping job... Its a stretch, but you have to take risks right?
Maybe its disconnected- I feel like im kinda flaoting through the days. I get my short lists done, but I have no set routine, shcedule or group of activities to do. I haven't even gone to the gym yet since before Christmas. And as far as eating properly I'm not entirely doing that either. Its not that I'm eating terribly, Its just that I'm not eating in any sort of set program. I'll eat a meal maybe two... snack on some almonds here, some cheese there... maybesome carrots and thats been about it.
This isn't something thats being done consciously on purpose. Its jsut happened that way, I don't feel like setting myself down and having a square meal three times a day. At this point im not sleeping well either, I keep falling asleep later and later, and toss and turn through the night. I thought if I made the bed more comfy it might help but it doesn't really... I end up pulling out my sudoku book and having a go. Its not a concious thought of okay im not going to take care of myself. I'm just not thinking of it in those terms, I send out my resumes for what I see in the paper, I make sure the dog is going out, but the last few days I've been sitting around and watching dexter, or television... but nothing really has pushed me in any direction.
I know this isn't monotony, and I spoke with one of my friends last evening. Her soldier is deployed too- She thinks I have cabin fever. So maybe getting out would be a good thing- but I don't want to get out jsut to go sit at someone else's house and watch TV, or somesuch. I want to feel productive- like I'm working toward something... or on something. I just haven't really put it together as to what I want to do, or what it is I want to accomplish.
Well I was reading back through my journal and I did find one thing that sounds interesting- putting together a cook book of sorts. Maybe that will be my first project. Putting together a cook book of recipies I like/want to try... without having to buy a cookbook with all different things that I have no idea how to make. I'll have to look into it.
Until then- Its back to complacency... *sighs* Need to break from the funk... Damn I need a job that I like, something I want to do... not just... " Lets go stand up and be a cashier for 8 hours a day." Maybe I'll apply for that bookkeeping job... Its a stretch, but you have to take risks right?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Standing Strong
For those of you who currently follow, or will stumble upon my blog by happenstance. You should know two things about me. First I am a submissive- This does not mean I am a doormat, it is simple a trait of my peronsonality that comes out brighter when around certain people. You will often find I have a backbone, a wise ass streak and a mouth. Cross me and you will not like the side you find yourself on.
Second- I am a Military Spouse. The hardest job that you can have in the military. To have to watch your loved one walk away to go do his job, and you are now in charge at home to hold things down and keep life together for them. These two things seem rather conflicting, and at times they can be. Try having to tell your husband, and dominant partner that he needs to stop spending money over god knows where becuase you either have a bill to pay, it needs to be in savings or he's already blown XXX amount of money this paycheck. And if you are lucky like I am, your soldier already has plans to blow every dime that is saved on a TV that is far to big for any decent sized living space and "Ironhide" from Transformers.
Today was one of those difficult days, when you haveto keep yourself in check and wave from the sidewalk as the bus/car/plane/train pulls away and the loneliness creeps in. This is my second deployment, and I am still shocked and amazed at myself at how much "better" and "easier" thing are the second time around. BY NO MEANS am I calling this transition easy, becuase its not. It is incredibly hard- But I want to give you a little insight.
On His first deployment, when He left the first day I was a total wreck- I cried when he hugged me goobye, I cried as I watched his bus pull away, I cried in the car before I could pull out of the parking lot, tears streamed down my face on the car ride home, I curled up on the couch and cried for several hours at my friends apartment. I was watch you call a blubbering boob for at least this first day. I had no interest in eating, I just wanted my soldier home.
Lets flash to this time around- I stood next to him in the parking lot, by tthe chair on the sidewalk, and rested my head on his shoulder, tears welled up a few times, but the only time I had a full blown crying fit was when he hugged me before he loaded up. We're talking, " I don't want to let you go, I love you... be safe... I love you... Take care of yourself" back and forth for what at the time may have been several minutes but to me seemed only like seconds. After a whirlwind of time with him It seemedlike in those last few moments it was what I had wanted, need craved. I heard nothing, It was me and him alone ( despite the crowd of hundreds around us) In a few moments of solitude before I knew the wall that was my self control against the tears would come flooding down. And in that moment against his shoulder they did, and all I could do was hold to him - because he is my wall, my rock and my foundation. As He went to line up, I stood on the sidewalk, alone for a few moments and watched him through the crowd. There he was- my Soldier.
Typing this now, I cry becuase there are about 50 differnt emotion raging inside of me but one of them is a huge amount of pride, both for him and myself. I was determined that this time, unlike the last, he last sight of me from a tinted bus window would not be of me with tears streaming down my face. Strong men like him do not marry weak women, and today I wasn't. Today I stood on the sidewalk as his bus pulled away smiling up at the window ( that I hope he was looking out of) and waved and clapped my hands. Were there tears welling in my eye, of course. But He saw me as I wanted him to see me this time. Not as the girl in tears that was going to be a mess for the next several days/weeks while he was gone. Instead to see His strong woman, and wife ready to do what she needs to do to keep things in line, to keep herself and their family taken care of in his absence; Proud to be standing there for him, with him, behind him every step of this journey.
This time I made it all the way back to our place before I started to cry. I have been crying on and off through the day, but the weak minded girl from several years ago that didn't know how to pull herself together for several days has been replaced with a wfie, who knows how to handle the expected reaction from the last time. Who has allowed herself time to veg and distract herself, to stay busy and yet be a lazy ass, and to take care of herself while still allowing the emotions to flow when they need to.
When you read this know how much I love you- But now after being awake all day on three hours of sleep, sliding in the snow on the way home and feeling drained. I'm going to curl up with your blanket and watch dexter till I pass out. I give it 15 minutes...
Always,
me
Second- I am a Military Spouse. The hardest job that you can have in the military. To have to watch your loved one walk away to go do his job, and you are now in charge at home to hold things down and keep life together for them. These two things seem rather conflicting, and at times they can be. Try having to tell your husband, and dominant partner that he needs to stop spending money over god knows where becuase you either have a bill to pay, it needs to be in savings or he's already blown XXX amount of money this paycheck. And if you are lucky like I am, your soldier already has plans to blow every dime that is saved on a TV that is far to big for any decent sized living space and "Ironhide" from Transformers.
Today was one of those difficult days, when you haveto keep yourself in check and wave from the sidewalk as the bus/car/plane/train pulls away and the loneliness creeps in. This is my second deployment, and I am still shocked and amazed at myself at how much "better" and "easier" thing are the second time around. BY NO MEANS am I calling this transition easy, becuase its not. It is incredibly hard- But I want to give you a little insight.
On His first deployment, when He left the first day I was a total wreck- I cried when he hugged me goobye, I cried as I watched his bus pull away, I cried in the car before I could pull out of the parking lot, tears streamed down my face on the car ride home, I curled up on the couch and cried for several hours at my friends apartment. I was watch you call a blubbering boob for at least this first day. I had no interest in eating, I just wanted my soldier home.
Lets flash to this time around- I stood next to him in the parking lot, by tthe chair on the sidewalk, and rested my head on his shoulder, tears welled up a few times, but the only time I had a full blown crying fit was when he hugged me before he loaded up. We're talking, " I don't want to let you go, I love you... be safe... I love you... Take care of yourself" back and forth for what at the time may have been several minutes but to me seemed only like seconds. After a whirlwind of time with him It seemedlike in those last few moments it was what I had wanted, need craved. I heard nothing, It was me and him alone ( despite the crowd of hundreds around us) In a few moments of solitude before I knew the wall that was my self control against the tears would come flooding down. And in that moment against his shoulder they did, and all I could do was hold to him - because he is my wall, my rock and my foundation. As He went to line up, I stood on the sidewalk, alone for a few moments and watched him through the crowd. There he was- my Soldier.
Typing this now, I cry becuase there are about 50 differnt emotion raging inside of me but one of them is a huge amount of pride, both for him and myself. I was determined that this time, unlike the last, he last sight of me from a tinted bus window would not be of me with tears streaming down my face. Strong men like him do not marry weak women, and today I wasn't. Today I stood on the sidewalk as his bus pulled away smiling up at the window ( that I hope he was looking out of) and waved and clapped my hands. Were there tears welling in my eye, of course. But He saw me as I wanted him to see me this time. Not as the girl in tears that was going to be a mess for the next several days/weeks while he was gone. Instead to see His strong woman, and wife ready to do what she needs to do to keep things in line, to keep herself and their family taken care of in his absence; Proud to be standing there for him, with him, behind him every step of this journey.
This time I made it all the way back to our place before I started to cry. I have been crying on and off through the day, but the weak minded girl from several years ago that didn't know how to pull herself together for several days has been replaced with a wfie, who knows how to handle the expected reaction from the last time. Who has allowed herself time to veg and distract herself, to stay busy and yet be a lazy ass, and to take care of herself while still allowing the emotions to flow when they need to.
When you read this know how much I love you- But now after being awake all day on three hours of sleep, sliding in the snow on the way home and feeling drained. I'm going to curl up with your blanket and watch dexter till I pass out. I give it 15 minutes...
Always,
me
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