Jealousy?

I'm writing this becuase I feel like I'm getting better... kind of. 

Out of the blue this evening I got a text message from someone I never expected to really talk to me.  And it wasn't as much of a request as It came out as an order. 

The girl my Sir would visit on his "breaks" at work wanted to know how my Sir is doing, and wanted his address so that she could send him some packages.  I"ll be honest, my radar went off, I got a bit... protective and selfish, cause damnit thats my Sir Ididn't want to give out his info.  The thought of another oman sending him stuff really kinda tipped me off.  Tiffany knew something was up and she asked me what text message I was reading, and I told her that someone he knew from work wanted his address...

But in the end, I went down to cumby's... and I chatted with her for a bit, and I gave her the address.  It was awkward for me at least.  She was so excited i was there becuase she's been writing him a letter every month since he's been gone and wanted to get them out to him.  He promised that he would stop by and see her to give her an address or something and she was upset that he hadn't.   I stayed and talked with her for a bit, and she was telling me about how excited he is to get his truck when he gets back and " hows he doing" and " I'll send him some cigarettes" ...

I'm trying, it was jsut tough for me... She seemed all excited becuase I showed up and now she could get in touch with him, and she misses him, and he and charlie used to keep her smoking when they came down but she's trying to quit... 

long story short, I sucked it up... She has my Sir's address...

*me

Lonely...

I miss you...

tonight turned into one of those nights... laying in bed clutching my pillow and crying becuase I want you here with me.I miss you my Sir.

What I wouldn't give to be in your arms...

One can only cover the disappointment of not being pregnant yet again for so long... And I now have to wait until christmas. 

I love you...

I need you...

... your girl...

My rules

I can't say that I know where to start with this so I am just going to give it a go.  My journal is meant for me to be able to write and communicate what I am feeling in hopes of two opens minds and without being judged.  This topic is a little touchy, so I am hoping that I am approaching it in the proper fashion that it will be seen as well as I am trying to present it. 

You asked me the other week how things were going with my rules, and I'm still not sure to be honest.  I'm doingbetter with my journal than I have in a very long time- That one is going well. Kneeling in general- both practicing them and kneeling before I eat, or drink has not gone very well.  It started out well, but I will admit that I stopped.  It makes me miss you alot, and it has upset me more than anything.  FOr me its one of those things that I need you here for.  I know its not supposed to make me feel this way, but it jsut reinforces the fact that I'm alone and that I miss you. 

I am sleeping better, for the most part.  And you'll be glad to know that the slut has been relatively contained- at least as far as my rules go.  I'm not inthe mood to play everyday ( even before I got sick) So its not often that I play anwya but I have not gone over my limit of 7 a week.  I'm lucky if I play more than twice a week, maybe 3 on a good week.  I mean I have been fantasizing about several things, but they all involve you being here or able to watch me.  Both of which are not feasible right now. 

I should have spoken to you about the changes that I made to the rules you set out, but I wanted to work through them, however I've found more so that I've let them go by the wayside as opposed to trying them any longer.  At this pointI am not sur what my next step should be.  Do I revert to rule two and pull out the whip? Do I wait to hear what you have to say regarding the matter? Do I try to get back into the swing with them and see if they stop upsetting me so much?

Please help me Sir... what do you wish of me?

Chapter two part 2

The next part of the chapter brings up validating who you are as a person, both in and out of the lifestyle.  It also asks that when doing the excersizes in this case- to see yourself as an " unnattached" Master or slave.  The opinion of Dr. Bob and his family is that you are who you are whether you have an Owner or Own someone. 

Ex. #3
As a person outside of the Kinky Community

Who I am....                               How I practice....

Intelligent                                          I like to challenge myself to learn and try new things.
Rare                                                 I am not like anyone else, I can only be described as me.
Educator                                        I like to share my experiences, and work with younger children

As an unattached slave

Who I am....                               How I practice...

Playful                                           I have a good sense of humor, and I like to have a good time.
Strong                                           I'm not a doormat, nor a pushover, and I will tell you if something is not
                                                                       appropriate for me.
Vulnerable                                     I am easily offended, and hurt. 
Obediant                                       I take care of my responsibilities as needed to keep myself in order.


The next part of the chapter involves alot of introspection and several things that need to be discussed or brought up between my Sir and I.  I am going to email several of these to Him and see if he wants to go over any of them, or most of them as he sees fit.  With the current differences in space and time, some of them may not be applicable. 

It also discusses ensuring that when going through excersizes  the importance of putting a positive spin on things.  It emphasizes the use of this positive spin to write the first few pages of your own autobiography.  But to start writing it from the point of view of "me in five years" writing about the effects today has had.   The more detail you put in the more likley it is to happen. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

Communication

Communication, one of my downfalls and I know it... I tend to run or hide instead of properly converying how I feel or what I am thinking at any given point in time especially when I am hurt, or unsure.  Many times there are things I am afraid to say or scared of saying becuase I don't want it to drive a wedge between my Sir and I.  And that to me is the root of the evil- When it first started I was too afraid to say anything, I didn't want to say anything becuase I knew that he had just been through alot of shit, and I thought it was just a phase that he needed to get through... but my Sir, it wasn't a phase its been happening for years.

I've been in hiding, and I still have several walls up around myselfand I am in the process of trying to break them down.  What I do know is that I cannot do it onmy own, and I know that I am afraid of being hurt, lied to, deceieved, duped, and forgotten about.  There is alot that I am trying to work through, the majority of which are my own insecurities, but some of them are founded and have roots that dig further than myself, and into us.  I have been lied to in the past, things have been hidden from me and it does not set a very good stage for me letting down my guard or us getting better. 

I found this quote somewhere, and at this moment it evades me because I copied it into notepad becuase I wanted to remember it but I don' know where I got it from. 

"One piece of advice I'll give is to be aware that a lot of insecurity, jealousy and angst within relationships is related to intimacy. We all process intimacy differently. What, to you, might not carry intimacy (of any depth to threaten a relationship)could easily be a serious threat to her. Or vice versa. "

Its just something to thing about- maybe what you see as showing me and telling me that you love me, is not something I saw that way... and maybe me showing you that I loved you was the same way.  Same book, same problem, wrong page?


So Communications 401 by Dr. Bob... I've been reading it, and here's what I've learned so far, and a few of the excersizes from the book.  Below are a few synopsis and snippets of what I've learned from the readinggs and the accompanying excersizes.  I hope this will help both you and me, and as I wrote to you Sir- I'd really like to see your answers as well.

Chapter 1- "Getting on the same page"

This chapter was a basic introduction- what you're going to learn work on etc.  you get referred to the glossary in the back to ensure that we are all on the same page about standard BDSM terms, and he goes over why he wrote the book.  One of my favorite sections of the chapter is when he goes over the differences between Requests, Orders, and Instructions.  ( A request is a simple casual statement, an order is a specific detailed directive with expected results.outcomes, and an Instruction is a standing order with specific details to be followed and mointored for compliance)  Dr. Bob also goes into the strategic use of words, and word play ( something he also gets into later)  "Talking" is one sided... "speaking" is two sided. 

Chapter 2 "Writing the first page in the rest of your life"

 This chapter is the setup up for the rest of the book, setting the stage if you will.  IT involves creating a "sacred space" Devoid of any and all things power exhcnage for open and free communication without fear of retribution, open minds and honest discussion.  Following that it goes into several excersizes to go through, reliving your beginnings, why you came together, whats the situation now... Validating who you are, who you are in your relationship, what do you see in 5 years, naming your fears and then taking the first steps together. 

And with that we come to Ex. #1

The internet.. was and still is a blessing.  Teresa said that her friends Christina thought I should meet up with a friend of hers that was looking for someone to hang out with.  I don't think either of us expected to happen what did.  "Let's meet up for coffee" I remember that I was thinking coffee.. .its a public place, its safe, and if I find out he's an ashole like mitch, theres no harm done.  I remember you walking in as I was heading outside to look around and the immediate thought was " omg was that him, was that him? Now I feel like a dork do I go back in, do I wait... alright don't look like an idiot stand out here for a moment, okay now go back in and get something to drink." I remember being so nervous.  No one ever really paid attention to me becuase I wasn't skinny, I never looked like the other girls.  But I remember that from the moment I met you, you couldn't seem to take your eyes off me.  What started as jsut coffee turned into an entire night. 

I remember getting into my car that first night and wondering why I hadn't at least attempted to kiss you.  But It left me hungry to meet up with you the next night.  I was excited, here was someone that I was not only incredibly attracted to but had stirred these feelings in me that I had never had before.  There was just something there, it was magnetic.. there was just this pull that I don't want to try and explain that told me that my Sir was the one for me.  There was just something about him... They way his hands touched me at the bar, that first kiss that made me want more, how perfectly I seem to fit in his arms.

I was so nervous and anxious that day we went to the munch.  I was scared, and I'm sure he could tell, Ihad no idea who any of these people were, and it was strange to be metting a restaurant room full of them when im used to just talking to screennames online.  this was totally different.  In the end it wasn't as bad as I thought, I got to sit on the inside of the btooth, and every so often my Sir's hand would brush against my leg, in a combination of comfort and electricity.  And then it was time for the Xmas gift swap.. and I got to go pick it out, I was getting upin front of everyone probably turning bright red as I came back to the table.  when I saw the necklace atop the package, the first thought through  my head was. "Will he put it on me?" I could feelthe tension between us for the rest of dinner.  We got back into the truck and I remember laying down on his lap on the ride home.  I was tired, and it was bliss to lay on his lap.  His hand was resting on my shoulder, occasionally playing with the hair on my neck.  I fell asleep for a few moments here and there, but I remember opening my eyes in the dark as I felt the hair moved from my neck.  His movements were slow and deliberate.  I heard the faint rustle of his vest pocket, and soon after I saw the glimmer of silver in front of my eyes.  I am fairly certain that I stopped breathing for a few moments.  I saw it, he was going to do it. the thin band of metal felt cool against my skin.  As the clasp secured behind my neck, I felt his breath against my ear as I heard for the first time "Mine." It still makes me smile...

The Chapter continues by pointing out that if a vanilla was watching us in public or in our own home it is our protocols that seperate us from them.  The book also defines protocols as a way to focus or center one or both in the relationship,  a way to help foster personal growth.   Which leads directly into Ex #2

In public, if a vanilla couple was to see us, they may not notice things at first. My collar looks like a simple silver necklace, so that I may wear it everday.  If we are out together, often times I am always walking on his left side, just about a step behind him.  Its something that I have always done. I have this other habit of calling him Sir when we are out in public, I am sure most take it as an overly respectful move for my husband, but or us there is much more behind it.  In private, I prefer to sit at his feet with him when we're eating meals, watching tv, or just relaxing. 
We have stopped going to our local group parties, and munched, and I think we are both looking to get back to that, work permitting.  I know that we both have reached out toward other M/s individuals seperately, but not together.  We both recognize that we are having problems, and we both recognize that we have put up walls, and grown a bit away from each other.  But we both want to work on it, we want to fix it and we want to do it together.  My Sir still loves me and we want to get things back to where we want them.  My Sir wants to makes sure that not only am I healthy and taken care of but that when he gets home we will be set up for better things than we have had.  Right now circumstances are difficult but we are both working to make the situation as good as it possibly can.

Mid evening fantasy

I had gotten home from work in the mid afternoon, and you were still asleep.  I dropped my bag off by the door and trio bounded out from the bedroom to see me.  I unhooked his leash and took him outsidde for a walk.  The air was cold but what else were you ging to do in January.  The sun was sort of out, but the sky was still a little on the blue-ish gray side.  I re opened the back door and trio bounded up the steps.  Once inside the apartment I put his leash away, hung up my coat, and opened the fridge.  " hmm... dinner... what to make"

After a few moments I had a pan of steak sizzling in the oven with some potatoes, onions, aspargus and the usual load of garlic.  I was still in the sweater and jeans I had worn to work, but I had removed my sneakers, and my bra, life was more comfortable that way.  I was washing the knife and the cutting board I had used when from the back bedroom I could hear you stirring.  It made me smile, I was hoping for some quiet time before you had to jet to work.   As I dried offr the knife and slide it back into the block, your hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me back against you before they traveled up and held me close. 

"Mmm, smells good."

"Thank you Love.. how did you sleep?"

"Well enough. How was work?" I rinsed the last of the dishes as you held me close and I pulled down a few plates for dinner.  You stepped to the side and opened the oven checking on the steaks as I set the plates and got the silverware to put on the table for at least a few minutes.  You took the pan out of the oven and announced," Dinners done"  After putting all the "green shit" on my plate, and diving up the food you carried both plates over to the chair int he living room while I grabbed a glass of water, and another of milk. 

I watched as you sat down in your chair, and held both plates in your hand as I settled down by your feet.  I crossed my legs and set the glass of milk down by my left leg.  As my hands lifted you gave me my plate  and then took the glass of water and set it against the side table.  I couldn't help it, I wirggled back a bit between your legs and settled in for dinner.  The TV turned on and we moved to our favorite station and watched a little bit of Guy Fieri while we ate dinner. 

When dinner was finished I nabbed both plates and gave them a quick clean and set them on the counter before trurning back to my spot between your feet.  You had been flickering through the ondemand section and had picked out the last episode of NUMB3RS and waited until I had put my head against your thigh before you hit play.  It was relaxing, calm... and the best way I could think of to end my day and start yours.  I felt your fingers running through my hair every so often and gently rubbing over my shoulders.  It was heavenly to jsut sit here, so close, and fell your hands just absently brushing against my skin.  You still had several hours before you had to be at work, and this one of the more quiet ways to spend it. 

One of those generic CBS commercials began to play, and I felt your fingers tighten in my hair and pull my head back.  My eyes closed and a soft purr rumbled in my chest.  Your lips met mine and I smiled as I felt your fingers wrap over the front of my neck.  " Go get changed, and put your cuffs on tonight." As I stood up, you reached out to slap my ass, and I giggled as I scooted away.  Yes... changed.  I stripped off my jeans and the sweater and tossed them onto the laundry pile.  I reached into my drawer for one of my more flimsy tanks, but I decided against it.  I reached for the black silk like piece of lingerie that barely made it over the curve of my ass and pulled it over my head.  I could hear you out in the kitchen putting the glasses away, as number was stilon pause until I returned.  I reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out all four of my cuffs and put them where they belonged.  The dark purple tinging on the leather was nearly matching again like the Seller had told me.  And it complimented the black leather and the racy piece of cloth that barely covered me. 

I stepped down the hallway, and saw you waiting for me in the chair, your glass had been refilled and my waterbottle now waited the side of your chair.  " Sir, may I get my blanket too?" With a nod of your head I opened the closet door and pulled out the small marroon blanket that you had bought me for christmas three years ago.  I opened it up as I moved and lais it on the floor by your feet.  kneeling back between your legs, I rested my hands on your thighs as I leaned up, offering my lips once more with a whispered," thank you Sir"  I saw that familiar grin and couldn't help but smile even after you kissed me.  The show began to play once more and I took the opportunity to lay down around your feet.  One of them you rested atop my hip, the other underneath my neck as I curled around it. 

When the show was nearing an end I felt you lean forward and your fingers brushed over my side, from the underside of my arm aound the sweel of my breast and over my hip.  "Its so good to be home..."was all that I could hear as you whispered in my ear.  "Yes it is Sir, and I am happy you are back." Your foot slide between my thighs and rested there through the remainder.  The remote was working again as you picked out a movie to watch this time.  Soething I hadn't seen before but you promised I would enjoy it.  Your toes began to wriggle up higher, to tease me and a subtle moan escapes my lips as I closed my eyes waiting for whatever the movie would bring. 

I'mnot going to lie, I feel rather left out today.  The rest of my family is off seeing my sister graduate from Basic and well, I'm in Connecticut watching the cats.  But I am working... and I'm getting offered more hours...

Okay well enough of the pity party onto what I wanted to write about today now that I am no longer sick.  Yes I ate real food today!

A wise man told me recently that its not jsut enough to love someone or to be in love with them.  Love won't get you past the honeymoon stage- You have to LIKE them too.  So here we go Sir...

What I like about you...

( when you hold me tiiight... tell me I'm the only one...)

I like that we can go out together- That you like to play pool as much as I like to sing. 
I like that you enjoy movies.
I like that you started to break me out of my shell.
I like that you want to take care of me.
I like that you're a kinky bastard.
I like you becusue when you wrap your arms around me I feel safe.
I like you because you try to do the right thing for those around you, even if it means sacrificing your own wants.
I like you because you're attractive.
I like you because you make me smile.
I like you because you is funny...
I like you because you used to want to show me new things, and try out stuff together.  And I miss it...
I like you because you have a sensitive side that you only show to me.
....

I think there is more, but I need to go make some dinners...

*blows kisses*

Job!

Woot!


I gots me a job!

Manic Monday?

What a day! I couldn't sleep last night, so I didn't fall asleep until after 3, but I was up at 7am to get to my evaluation this morning.  and by golly, ALL of my marks went up.  I improved on nearly everything.  The one comment that she did have was that... it seemed that one of my blood pressure marks seemed to have moved erratically, she thinks that I may not have been fully rested, because it was way off mark and everything else looked SO much better. 

Then I got home from the gym, cleaned all my dishes by hand, took a shower, got things together... went to apply for a job at the local animal shelter, stopped to get the taxes done ( had to come back) went home for lunch,chilled for a little bit, found an ad in the paper and made a call about it, called about the apartment in the complex (which is no longer available), went back out to do the taxes ( which are nearly finished I have to find a few missing items), came home made a healthy dinner, and now im out at the bar becuase I have the urge to sing. 

I was so jazzed and hyped up about my eval results that I really haven't done much else more than bounce around with more energy than even I realized that I would have on 4 hours of sleep.  More than that I am double jazzed becuase tomorrow morning I have an interview at a nearby daycare- go figure I call for the job, and the woman suggests that I come down to fill out an application, and she wants to give me a tour of the center too! I'm so jazzed its like an informal interview of sorts.  I REALLLY want this job, it gets me back in teaching, back in at a job that I love, and I love to work with kids and people so I am SOOOO excited.  I just have to show my passion for it tomorrow morning, so I'm a little eager.  I just hpoe that I'll be able to sleep tonight.  Maybe thats why I came out- to make sure that I am tuckered out... ensuring that I get enough rest tonight before the morning.

Wish me luck *crosses my fingers* meeting there at 9am... so here's hoping. I'm going to work on a new version of my resume and see what I get. 

A week...

The good news is that I made it a week before I got hit with another bad day.  The best I can say is that at least this time it was for a good reason.  A reason that to this moment still hurts me. 

You aren't coming home for your leave.  You aren't even taking your leave. 

It is so hard to swallow, I understand why you don't want to leave your guys.  But to say that you won't come home unless I find out im pregnant makes NO SENSE.  You don't want family breathing down our necks or taking up time for us, and knowing that you have to leave again in 15 days hanging over us.  But if I'm pregnant, don't you think thats going to be even worse?

Do you understand how much it hurts sitting here, becuase the way it comes off is that just me... I'm not important enough for you to come home, but if I'm finally carrying your baby I'm worth all the stress. 

How about this...

I'M YOUR FUCKING WIFE.   Family needs to accept that... you and I have as much of a right to free time, and time to spend together as WE please.  Not when we can fit it into their schedules.  I know this sounds harsh, but if you come home why can't you tell them that you and I need time.  We need to work us out... It hurts, and I can't find any other way to put it.  As much as I try to "rationalize" things and stop trying to feel like this has something to do with me...

I need you...

I don't know what to say anymore... I guess theres nothing I can say.  You've decided that you're not coming home, it doesn't matter what I say. 

Woohoo Four in a row!

Not only did I wake up and get to talk with my Sir this morning, and went to the gym, kicked my own but, shceduled my next training session, and scheduled my next evaluation.  Wish me luck come next monday *crosses fingers*

Today was over all a good day.  I even went so far as to try something new.  I made myself a salmon fillet for the first time.  Talk about expanding my food horizons.  I went to foodnetwork.com and used the recipe from " Secrets of a restaurant chef" the bubbly blond woman who is the sous chef for Mario Batali on Iron Chef.  I did a simple pan sear with olive oil, and made a lemon thyme butter with garlic to melt ontop.  I think I overdid the lemon, but it was pretty good otherwise.  I kinda like it for the most part. I might try it again, since fish has lots of good vitamins and stuff and will help me on the weight loss track. 

I'm very excited, cause I think I'm loosing weight, one of my bra's doesn't fit after I've worn it more than twice, I see it puckering up at the top lip.  So if I'm loosing a little weight up there, shouldn't I be loosing weight elsewhere too? *fingers crossed* I'm hoping so, and I;ll be really excited when I see the results on my my eval next week. 

Well time for me to chill at the bar, I'll write more tomorrow... I have a plan.  Maybe if I try to write in the middle of the day instead of at the end of the day when I am more likely to forget it might work out better.  Wish me luck with it, imma start on Wednesday with that.

~me

One step at a time...

I realize I have not written since Wednesday, damnit I need to get better with this.  One thing at a time...

I have had three good days in a row.  I can't explain them and I don't want to, I've had them and that is enough for me right now.  I have slowly tackled several things that have been on the giant to do list, and I am managing them one at a time without over loading myself.  I think thats a good sign.  At least the lists ahve been more than helpful in several areas.  Not only keeping me positive, but alos helping me to feel more productive. 

Tomorrow will be day 4. 

There is alot on my plate at the moment, and spending time with my mother today didn't exactly help it very much if at all.  20 minutes in the car with her on the way to my sister in laws house party was certainly not the best of ideas.  more than half of it was yet another lecture on me not having a job, and what I should be doing becuase I'm obviously doing something wrong.  there has to be something that I am not doing, and I have to do something different.  I snapped at her, and I won't apologize for it.  I asked her nicely to find something else to discuss becuase I was not going to discuss what I had or hadn't done, and howbadly the search for a job was going.  Yet, what did she expect me to do when she tried to push my buttons.  Eventually she got the damn hint. 

An then of course only my mother would hit the bigger topics on the way home... " hows the money?" " how are things going" And then of course when I causally mentioned the pain in the tuckus that my Sir's credit card is giving us, she asks why they won't talk to me if I have a PoA.  I say I don't have a PoA... and what does my mother say...

" Doesn't he trust you?"
" Are you going to get divorced? Whats wrong... why didn't he give you one? Not that I would blame either of you if He decided to leave you..."

WHAT THE HELL MOM?!

Not only am I stressed enough about things that are going on, lets jsut drop that in there... she has talent I tell you. 

ITs bedtime for me, cause its wicked late. 

Loves you,

~me