Communication

Communication, one of my downfalls and I know it... I tend to run or hide instead of properly converying how I feel or what I am thinking at any given point in time especially when I am hurt, or unsure.  Many times there are things I am afraid to say or scared of saying becuase I don't want it to drive a wedge between my Sir and I.  And that to me is the root of the evil- When it first started I was too afraid to say anything, I didn't want to say anything becuase I knew that he had just been through alot of shit, and I thought it was just a phase that he needed to get through... but my Sir, it wasn't a phase its been happening for years.

I've been in hiding, and I still have several walls up around myselfand I am in the process of trying to break them down.  What I do know is that I cannot do it onmy own, and I know that I am afraid of being hurt, lied to, deceieved, duped, and forgotten about.  There is alot that I am trying to work through, the majority of which are my own insecurities, but some of them are founded and have roots that dig further than myself, and into us.  I have been lied to in the past, things have been hidden from me and it does not set a very good stage for me letting down my guard or us getting better. 

I found this quote somewhere, and at this moment it evades me because I copied it into notepad becuase I wanted to remember it but I don' know where I got it from. 

"One piece of advice I'll give is to be aware that a lot of insecurity, jealousy and angst within relationships is related to intimacy. We all process intimacy differently. What, to you, might not carry intimacy (of any depth to threaten a relationship)could easily be a serious threat to her. Or vice versa. "

Its just something to thing about- maybe what you see as showing me and telling me that you love me, is not something I saw that way... and maybe me showing you that I loved you was the same way.  Same book, same problem, wrong page?


So Communications 401 by Dr. Bob... I've been reading it, and here's what I've learned so far, and a few of the excersizes from the book.  Below are a few synopsis and snippets of what I've learned from the readinggs and the accompanying excersizes.  I hope this will help both you and me, and as I wrote to you Sir- I'd really like to see your answers as well.

Chapter 1- "Getting on the same page"

This chapter was a basic introduction- what you're going to learn work on etc.  you get referred to the glossary in the back to ensure that we are all on the same page about standard BDSM terms, and he goes over why he wrote the book.  One of my favorite sections of the chapter is when he goes over the differences between Requests, Orders, and Instructions.  ( A request is a simple casual statement, an order is a specific detailed directive with expected results.outcomes, and an Instruction is a standing order with specific details to be followed and mointored for compliance)  Dr. Bob also goes into the strategic use of words, and word play ( something he also gets into later)  "Talking" is one sided... "speaking" is two sided. 

Chapter 2 "Writing the first page in the rest of your life"

 This chapter is the setup up for the rest of the book, setting the stage if you will.  IT involves creating a "sacred space" Devoid of any and all things power exhcnage for open and free communication without fear of retribution, open minds and honest discussion.  Following that it goes into several excersizes to go through, reliving your beginnings, why you came together, whats the situation now... Validating who you are, who you are in your relationship, what do you see in 5 years, naming your fears and then taking the first steps together. 

And with that we come to Ex. #1

The internet.. was and still is a blessing.  Teresa said that her friends Christina thought I should meet up with a friend of hers that was looking for someone to hang out with.  I don't think either of us expected to happen what did.  "Let's meet up for coffee" I remember that I was thinking coffee.. .its a public place, its safe, and if I find out he's an ashole like mitch, theres no harm done.  I remember you walking in as I was heading outside to look around and the immediate thought was " omg was that him, was that him? Now I feel like a dork do I go back in, do I wait... alright don't look like an idiot stand out here for a moment, okay now go back in and get something to drink." I remember being so nervous.  No one ever really paid attention to me becuase I wasn't skinny, I never looked like the other girls.  But I remember that from the moment I met you, you couldn't seem to take your eyes off me.  What started as jsut coffee turned into an entire night. 

I remember getting into my car that first night and wondering why I hadn't at least attempted to kiss you.  But It left me hungry to meet up with you the next night.  I was excited, here was someone that I was not only incredibly attracted to but had stirred these feelings in me that I had never had before.  There was just something there, it was magnetic.. there was just this pull that I don't want to try and explain that told me that my Sir was the one for me.  There was just something about him... They way his hands touched me at the bar, that first kiss that made me want more, how perfectly I seem to fit in his arms.

I was so nervous and anxious that day we went to the munch.  I was scared, and I'm sure he could tell, Ihad no idea who any of these people were, and it was strange to be metting a restaurant room full of them when im used to just talking to screennames online.  this was totally different.  In the end it wasn't as bad as I thought, I got to sit on the inside of the btooth, and every so often my Sir's hand would brush against my leg, in a combination of comfort and electricity.  And then it was time for the Xmas gift swap.. and I got to go pick it out, I was getting upin front of everyone probably turning bright red as I came back to the table.  when I saw the necklace atop the package, the first thought through  my head was. "Will he put it on me?" I could feelthe tension between us for the rest of dinner.  We got back into the truck and I remember laying down on his lap on the ride home.  I was tired, and it was bliss to lay on his lap.  His hand was resting on my shoulder, occasionally playing with the hair on my neck.  I fell asleep for a few moments here and there, but I remember opening my eyes in the dark as I felt the hair moved from my neck.  His movements were slow and deliberate.  I heard the faint rustle of his vest pocket, and soon after I saw the glimmer of silver in front of my eyes.  I am fairly certain that I stopped breathing for a few moments.  I saw it, he was going to do it. the thin band of metal felt cool against my skin.  As the clasp secured behind my neck, I felt his breath against my ear as I heard for the first time "Mine." It still makes me smile...

The Chapter continues by pointing out that if a vanilla was watching us in public or in our own home it is our protocols that seperate us from them.  The book also defines protocols as a way to focus or center one or both in the relationship,  a way to help foster personal growth.   Which leads directly into Ex #2

In public, if a vanilla couple was to see us, they may not notice things at first. My collar looks like a simple silver necklace, so that I may wear it everday.  If we are out together, often times I am always walking on his left side, just about a step behind him.  Its something that I have always done. I have this other habit of calling him Sir when we are out in public, I am sure most take it as an overly respectful move for my husband, but or us there is much more behind it.  In private, I prefer to sit at his feet with him when we're eating meals, watching tv, or just relaxing. 
We have stopped going to our local group parties, and munched, and I think we are both looking to get back to that, work permitting.  I know that we both have reached out toward other M/s individuals seperately, but not together.  We both recognize that we are having problems, and we both recognize that we have put up walls, and grown a bit away from each other.  But we both want to work on it, we want to fix it and we want to do it together.  My Sir still loves me and we want to get things back to where we want them.  My Sir wants to makes sure that not only am I healthy and taken care of but that when he gets home we will be set up for better things than we have had.  Right now circumstances are difficult but we are both working to make the situation as good as it possibly can.