I did it!

I haz a job again! doing something that I love... I'm in the process of doing all of my paperwork now, I should be starting to work in the next week or so, I'm so excited. 

I got some not so good news today... its a little unnerving.   Just a quick update I'll write more in the morning...

Nightmare...

It felt far too real this morning...


In my dream, you had decided to come home for  your leave.  You and I were snuggled up on the bed relaxing, watching a movie... And for some reason your computer was on, and yahoo was up.

And you got an Im, and then someone attempted to call your computer.  You leaned over, and the name was magic, or silver or something like that, and you typed.  " When I say don't CALL ME, it means DO NOT call me."  The response that came across the screen was "yes my Master"

In my dream I got upset and asked who that was.  And you said as if it was nothing that it was your slave and she was going to be in trouble for interrupting us. That maybe since I was upset that you and I shouldn't be together.  I tried to explain that I didn't know who she was or that you had another slave, and that I was confused and hurt...  and you got off the bed and walked out.   I remember crying on the bed ( in my dream) and we were shouting/screaming at each other me fromt he bed and you from the living room.  I can't remember what about or why, but the gist of it was that this "Magic" the dream you had been talking to and owned the entire time you had been gone so far, and you refused to let her go, just becuase things between you and I "had been better"...  all I know is that at the end of this flash of the dream you had left...

Can we ssay nightmare?

*shivers*

Frustraton and Failure

I had begun to speka with you about this, but I still want to put it in my journal.  While standing around under the white tent at Lasell, and watching all 125 people graduate, I relaized that I feel like I've missed out on something.  I have a degree on the wall, but I feel like I didn't get enough out of my time in college.  Not only do I want to go back, but when I do I want to leave with something.  I want something more than just a piece of paper that sits on a wall.  I want something I can use, something that can help me get further than where I am right now. 

I stood there, snapping pictures of my sister while my family sat in one of the rows towards the back( mind you I was standing up close to the front) and I realized jsut how different from everyone else I am.  Jessica has a degree- and she's going to use it making upwards of $30 an hour for the rest of her life.  And my degree? currently has me on the job search for anything in the area of $9 an hour.  I feel like I gave up on what I wanted to do, that somewhow I have failed and I have so little to show for it.

To further that point, one of the speakers talked about how they were going to move on in their studies ( I haven't) or get a job in their field ( once again, I have not) or start a family soon ( empty checkbox).  Now I realize that his speech was not meant to make me feel like I have done nothing with my life, but I stood there and evaluated it. 

I have no job, job hunting depresses me right now, I don't have any children ( and thank you to grandma who looked at me and said oh is your child graduating? O.O omg do I LOOK that old?!) I have no money in the bank, and I feel... not good.  And then it hit me.  I'm having a midlife crisis at the age of 25?! What is going on with me. 

this topic swiftly turned to " Janelle you need to be positive... you are alive and breathing."  Yes Self you are alive, yes you are breathing, and you are for the most part in good health.   I am totally ignoring my weight issue, but when you look at it and discount all the stress that I'm under and what its doing to my body- yeah im pretty healthy.  I'm also married- to someone that I love with all that I am, and I don't know what I would do without him. 

And thats when it hit me- I need to do something.  I've been depressed and upset and god knows what for too long, hiding inside of myself to wait for something to figure itself out.  And be proud of me Sir, I'm no longer waiting.  On the list of things to do today incolved getitng information on vairius degrees, summer course, getting an unnoffical transcript,  getting the info to retake some of the courses that I wanted to take and doing something.  I'm also looking for things to do with my time that involve more than me, and me sitting at home, and getitng me out, hobbies people... meet new friends. 

In the words of Miko- You're young, there is no excuse to be unhappy.  Do what makes you happy. 

I'm tired of being setient and waiting for something to happen.  I need to get off my ass, and make stuff hppen.  I want a better job, I want to go back to school- I'm going.  The information is out there, I just need to find it.  And make a damn decision about what I want. 

more on decisions later.

I figure its about time I write something in here.  Alot has gone on, the only problem I have is where to start and exactly what to say.  Nope I'm not indecisive at all...

The first place I went to in knoxville was Sharps ridge, the highest peak in City limits.  It is absolutely beautiful from up there.  The best part about it is that there is so much green, and nature all through the City.  ITs not like going to New York where its mostly buildings and an occasional tree in the sidewalk. 

After I had gotten down there I had a bit to eat and then went to bed, I woke up the next day pretty early.  I think I even spoke with you that morning.  Shortly after was the first time Miko looked at me and said " so lets go.  Where to first?"  Sharps Ridge was it.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  It was the first place that I fell in love with. 

Everywhere you looked there was jsut something else beautiful that caught your attention.  You Could stand up on the ridge and look out at the Smokeys, look down over the City, look up at the night sky and the stars, the fog settling over the mountains.  It was up here that the friends hip between miko and I began, talking baou natural, the absolute beauty, the mountains, the caves... and the plans began. 

The next stop that day was the Worlds Fair Park and the Veteran's Memorial that they had there.  I took several pictures but I liked this one.  In front of the memorial there are several stones with the names of those soldiers from Tennesse that have given their life for our country over the many years.   Next to the memorial was the rest of the park. 

This fountain ran high during the day, and everyone would go and run through and splash and have picnics it was fun.  At night, when miko and I would go walk the park and the landing, we would stop back by the fountain.  The water wouldonly be up about 3 to 6 inches depending on where it fell around the circle.  It was oddly relaxing to dance around and splash in the low water bursts. 

This is a look out at the City from the Sunsphere... its this giant ball of glass in the air that was built when the worlds fair was in Knoxvill in the 80's.  there is a bar on the 3rd floor ( which is more like the
(10th) that serves drinks in fishbowls.  Its a little odd, a bit strange, but a whole lot of fun. 

This is the Amphitheatre that was also built for the fair.  Sometimes we came to jsut sit and chat, but That first friday, I attended Day of Silence.  A protest and local GSA event to promote the Queer Community and to protest for the rights of Gya marriage.  It was an interesting scene.

This is Miko's bridge- she wants to be proposed to here, and this is the man-made river that runs under it.  I have a better picture of it lit up at night, its goregous with the fountains and the lights and the night sky.  I loved it.  Every night we ended up there.

The majority of the trip was spent out walking the Volunteer landing along the Tennessee River, walking the two miles from the landing up to the worlds fair park, around and back, and just relaxing.   I also went to Market Square.  They had a side walk chalk contest, and there were gorgeou pictures all over the side walk.  there was also  a small park ride next to it with some pretty cool looking sculptures, and a stream into a pond.  The following week we cam back to market square for Sunset in the City.  Every other thursday they have a band that comes in and plays for free.  Though the band we saw, was kinda terrible...

I did alot of talking while I was down in Tennesee, but the majority of the talking I did was with Miko.   Now, don't getme wrong I did a fair amount of talking with Sama.  But I didn't do much talking with Ki, it felt very much like I was either in her way, or just not enough.  It was an obstacle for me.  You know how much I value I put in other peoples opinions.  But when it came down to feelinf like becuas I had arrived there was suddenly someone there to do all the work she didn't seem to want to do ( dishes sitting in the sink ofr 3 days until I did them).  I didn't care- I'm me, I am who I am. I'm not domestic... but I take care of my shit.  Morseo than that I found my voice again, with proper toning. 

My skills of communication grew- yes there were things I was having issues with while I was down there.  For once I didn't let it stew, I didn't jsut let it slide, nor did I needlessly get upset and take it out on the wrong person.  I brought it to who needed to hear it and kept my cool.  Being called "girl" got so far under my skin, I came close to having a rough moment, but even so I did keep my head and found the poper place to vent later.

The two conversations that really stuck with me are the keys to how things have been with my Sir since I had them.  Sama and I were talking, and he told me to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell him where I would be and how things would be different if my walls were gone.  tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes as I knew right where I would be.  With my Sir, at his side and no afraid any more.  At that was when the first set of walls began to crumble.  Why was I so afraid to let them down, what was holding me back, why was I hiding behind them...

The answer is that I am afraid that I'm going to get hurt again, that the man I love so much is going to hurt me again.  And I wanted to take that chance but it scares me.  That my Sir won't come home again.  we talked about this but here it is the whole conversation.  It was also in that conversation that he told me," You're either going to run or you're going to stay.  You either have to trust him that he's not going to hurt you, or... well you know what the other choice would be."

I've made my choice.  Deep down that one wall is left up becuase I'm still scared, but I'm waiting atop of it, with a cold drink and  dangling feet, waititng to see what happens and not hiding behind it.

My conversation with miko was held on several occasions and the same topics. 
"Be yourself, and true to who you are."
"You're still young, we're still young, and there is no excuse to not be happy"
"Surround yourself with people that actually care, that aren't trying to jsut take advantage of you"
" Let the shit roll of your back, the drama and the stress are unnecessary- you have bigger fish to fry."

thats all for now... I'll write more tomorrow and in a new entry. 

Love you my Sir

your jingles