Frustraton and Failure

I had begun to speka with you about this, but I still want to put it in my journal.  While standing around under the white tent at Lasell, and watching all 125 people graduate, I relaized that I feel like I've missed out on something.  I have a degree on the wall, but I feel like I didn't get enough out of my time in college.  Not only do I want to go back, but when I do I want to leave with something.  I want something more than just a piece of paper that sits on a wall.  I want something I can use, something that can help me get further than where I am right now. 

I stood there, snapping pictures of my sister while my family sat in one of the rows towards the back( mind you I was standing up close to the front) and I realized jsut how different from everyone else I am.  Jessica has a degree- and she's going to use it making upwards of $30 an hour for the rest of her life.  And my degree? currently has me on the job search for anything in the area of $9 an hour.  I feel like I gave up on what I wanted to do, that somewhow I have failed and I have so little to show for it.

To further that point, one of the speakers talked about how they were going to move on in their studies ( I haven't) or get a job in their field ( once again, I have not) or start a family soon ( empty checkbox).  Now I realize that his speech was not meant to make me feel like I have done nothing with my life, but I stood there and evaluated it. 

I have no job, job hunting depresses me right now, I don't have any children ( and thank you to grandma who looked at me and said oh is your child graduating? O.O omg do I LOOK that old?!) I have no money in the bank, and I feel... not good.  And then it hit me.  I'm having a midlife crisis at the age of 25?! What is going on with me. 

this topic swiftly turned to " Janelle you need to be positive... you are alive and breathing."  Yes Self you are alive, yes you are breathing, and you are for the most part in good health.   I am totally ignoring my weight issue, but when you look at it and discount all the stress that I'm under and what its doing to my body- yeah im pretty healthy.  I'm also married- to someone that I love with all that I am, and I don't know what I would do without him. 

And thats when it hit me- I need to do something.  I've been depressed and upset and god knows what for too long, hiding inside of myself to wait for something to figure itself out.  And be proud of me Sir, I'm no longer waiting.  On the list of things to do today incolved getitng information on vairius degrees, summer course, getting an unnoffical transcript,  getting the info to retake some of the courses that I wanted to take and doing something.  I'm also looking for things to do with my time that involve more than me, and me sitting at home, and getitng me out, hobbies people... meet new friends. 

In the words of Miko- You're young, there is no excuse to be unhappy.  Do what makes you happy. 

I'm tired of being setient and waiting for something to happen.  I need to get off my ass, and make stuff hppen.  I want a better job, I want to go back to school- I'm going.  The information is out there, I just need to find it.  And make a damn decision about what I want. 

more on decisions later.