Now that I have your attention-
It came to my attention last night, that to some people my husband is the and I will quote "The biggest asshole I have ever met and he is a total dick" in regards to the way he treats me.
I will admit, my husband is an asshole, and I can be a bitch. we kinda work out well that way. Neither one of us is perfect, and we have to accept each other for who we are. I married my husband for who he is- the sweet tender side he rarely shows to anyone, and the asshole side.
In the aftermath of this "enlightening" statement I spent a fair amount of time in self reflection and partial self detriment as I usually do. What my biggest concern and the reason for my tears was whether or not I have been making too many excuses for His behavior because of the deployment and if I really was blind to how he treats me.
I made it home, got changed, and proceeded to let the tears just start flowing. It last maybe five minutes before he woke up, and checked on me (Imagine waking up to your partner in tears on the other side of the bed). This prompted a long conversation on how things have been going and how I was feeling. This is the side that no one ever sees, or that I don't often discuss because of his "I'm a soldier I'm not sensitive" thing.
A few things came out in this conversation that I want to have down in my journal.
*The communication between my husband and I is MILES beyond where it has been in the past. There is so much that I can say, bring up, and explain that I wouldn't have dared to do. At the same time, I still have work to do- there are times where I will swallow something because of his potential reactions. This is something I am working on, but its not going to happen over night.
*I do however make excuses for him, and the majority of his behavior. I blame it all on his deployment, and let it all pass. I told him about this last night, and I understand that things aren't going to change over night. He has had two months, and not much has really changed. I've voiced my concerns that he is hermitting, he is being extremely lazy, and that he is shutting himself off from me- that I can tell who he is from one minute to the next at times.
*I used to be very self destructive. If something was wrong, or there was a major concern, I used to take it all on me. It was all my fault, I was fucking things up, and I deserved all the shit that was going on. I have grown past this, during our conversation last night, I told him that I had been doing a lot of thinking, but for once- I wasn't taking it all on myself. This wasn't an issue that was all his fault, nor was it all my fault. Go me :D
He and I have work to do, he's not perfect and he's an asshole. But he's my asshole I have to deal with him. He's getting better, in small ways- the little things. It no longer takes him a day to apologize for his attitude (it took two hours last night). he is also getting a better understanding of how everything is affecting me, and out relationship.
Our conversation ended this morning, in the wee hours before we feel asleep on this note. In roughly six month, our child is going to be born. We have a lot of work to before he arrives. I don't expect perfection, or a sudden 180 from who he is. I am hoping that in the next 6 months, he will see more of his behavior and how this last deployment has changed him, and will work with it. It does not mean that he is broken, or unfixable, or anything like that. He's different now and we have to adapt. Not something I am skilled with but I am willing to work on it as well.
One thing I do expect and near demand from him, is that in the next month he finds someone to talk to. I know how he feels about doctors and "head shrinkers." Even if he just reaches out to one of the guys that he went overseas with that is enough for me.
In summary- yes my husbands an asshole, yes I am a bitch, no- I don't think anyone is perfect. He is my dick, and I'll deal with him, my way.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
the baby!
 |
| The first ultrasound of our new baby |
We had our first ultrasound just the other day. I am very excited, we got to see the baby, and watch him for a while. I was so excited to hear the heartbeat, and watch the baby wiggle and squirm. It totally looked like the ultrasound was bothering him. he just wanted to nap. LOL
Monday, January 17, 2011
Midwife or OB?
I've been debating this back and forth. I had all these ideas about what it would be like, and I had no idea how much different it was going to be from my "idealized vision." I thought I was going to have a doctor that would know me, was familiar with me and would be there when I needed the help. The doctor that I chose would be there for the birth of my child, and all that stuff. From what little I have seen at my current OB/GYN office, in comparison to the care that one of my friends had for her birth, and for a woman who's journal I have been following on fetlife.
I don't want to be a number, or just another patient on a doctors huge list at a practice. I want someone who knows me, knows what I've been going through and will be there every step of the way for me, and with me. I've done a bit of research tonight, and I want to share what I have found, so that I have it to look back on and so that my Sir can read it as well and see where I am at thought wise.
60-80% of pregnancies are considered "low risk" Midwives are the best equipped for these type of pregnancies. There are however some midwives that do and can handle multiple births and some riskier pregnancies, but midwives are educated to spot and notice potential problems or issues to refer them to an OB. In addition, most midwives practice with an OB and work together.
According to Wikipedia-
A midwife is specialized in low risk pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum. The goal of a midwife is a healthy, natural birthing experience. An OB on the other hand is specialized in illness related to childbirth and surgery. They are complementary- In addition to this fact I did learn that at the local hospital I wish to use there are three Nurse midwives on staff to be with me during my pregnancy for when the doctor is otherwise occupied (aka not there).
Americanpregnancy.org states that Midwife is a term that refers more to a philosophy of care that offers a wide variety of options with minimal unnecessary interventions.
The midwives model of care-
Most midwives carry the following equipment, supplies and medication during home birth: oxygen, bag and mask for neonatal resuscitation, laryngoscope for neonatal resuscitation, IV therapy equipment, basic anti-hemorrhagic medication, suturing supplies (suture and lidocaine), fetoscope and hand-held Doppler, Rescu-Vac and/or DeLee catheter for deep suction of the newborn if necessary (as in the case with passage of meconium), urinary catheters, vitamin K for newborn blood clotting, and erythromycin ointment for newborn infection prophylaxis.
I have looked for a few local midwives that I want to do some research on, and I have the name of the closest midwife group to the hospital that I want to use (barring some unforseen circumstance) who I believe are the midwives that they keep close by. I also want to tour the hospital sooner rather than later to see if they can shed any light on my decision. I think that in this moment, I would rather have a midwife and delivery at a hospital, for the more personal attention, and the less " Just another patient" feeling.
I don't want to be a number, or just another patient on a doctors huge list at a practice. I want someone who knows me, knows what I've been going through and will be there every step of the way for me, and with me. I've done a bit of research tonight, and I want to share what I have found, so that I have it to look back on and so that my Sir can read it as well and see where I am at thought wise.
60-80% of pregnancies are considered "low risk" Midwives are the best equipped for these type of pregnancies. There are however some midwives that do and can handle multiple births and some riskier pregnancies, but midwives are educated to spot and notice potential problems or issues to refer them to an OB. In addition, most midwives practice with an OB and work together.
According to Wikipedia-
A midwife is specialized in low risk pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum. The goal of a midwife is a healthy, natural birthing experience. An OB on the other hand is specialized in illness related to childbirth and surgery. They are complementary- In addition to this fact I did learn that at the local hospital I wish to use there are three Nurse midwives on staff to be with me during my pregnancy for when the doctor is otherwise occupied (aka not there).
Americanpregnancy.org states that Midwife is a term that refers more to a philosophy of care that offers a wide variety of options with minimal unnecessary interventions.
The midwives model of care-
- Monitor physical, psychological,and social wellbeing of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle.
- Provide the mother with individualized education, counseling, and prenatal care, continuous hands on assistance during labor and delivery, and post partum support.
- Minimize technological intervention
- Identify and refer women who require obstetrical attention.
Most midwives carry the following equipment, supplies and medication during home birth: oxygen, bag and mask for neonatal resuscitation, laryngoscope for neonatal resuscitation, IV therapy equipment, basic anti-hemorrhagic medication, suturing supplies (suture and lidocaine), fetoscope and hand-held Doppler, Rescu-Vac and/or DeLee catheter for deep suction of the newborn if necessary (as in the case with passage of meconium), urinary catheters, vitamin K for newborn blood clotting, and erythromycin ointment for newborn infection prophylaxis.
I have looked for a few local midwives that I want to do some research on, and I have the name of the closest midwife group to the hospital that I want to use (barring some unforseen circumstance) who I believe are the midwives that they keep close by. I also want to tour the hospital sooner rather than later to see if they can shed any light on my decision. I think that in this moment, I would rather have a midwife and delivery at a hospital, for the more personal attention, and the less " Just another patient" feeling.
My own little chair...
I have this vision... Its not terribly specific, and it changes in little bits and pieces, as things start to filter in about choices I have made and choices I will make about my baby, and things I need for the nursery and all that good stuff. One thing has remained constant...
My rocking chair.
We want a new place, so nothing about my little daydream has been too specific about the place we will get. But I get the feeling it has enough space for all of us. I don't feel cramped, and its warm and inviting, and I can just feel that everything is in place.
For the most part I spend the majority of my time in this one room. Its average sized, not too big, not too small. There is a big window, that lets in a lot of sunlight. Near the window, is my chair. A rocking chair, that fits me, it doesn't make me feel like I'm too fat, that its too tight on my hips or anything, its just perfect for me. I know there is a crib in the room, and some sort of dresser, a little closet, a bookshelf.. and a few odds and ends here or there.
I'm not holding my baby yet or anything, I'm rocking in my chair, waiting. Depending on when I am thinking about this, its either nighttime, and Mel is watching me from the doorway, or its during the day and its Wayne standing there... Its a very soothing thought, and hopefully come spring, I get to make it a reality.
My rocking chair.
We want a new place, so nothing about my little daydream has been too specific about the place we will get. But I get the feeling it has enough space for all of us. I don't feel cramped, and its warm and inviting, and I can just feel that everything is in place.
For the most part I spend the majority of my time in this one room. Its average sized, not too big, not too small. There is a big window, that lets in a lot of sunlight. Near the window, is my chair. A rocking chair, that fits me, it doesn't make me feel like I'm too fat, that its too tight on my hips or anything, its just perfect for me. I know there is a crib in the room, and some sort of dresser, a little closet, a bookshelf.. and a few odds and ends here or there.
I'm not holding my baby yet or anything, I'm rocking in my chair, waiting. Depending on when I am thinking about this, its either nighttime, and Mel is watching me from the doorway, or its during the day and its Wayne standing there... Its a very soothing thought, and hopefully come spring, I get to make it a reality.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
harmony and the terrible horrible no good very FRUSTRATING day.
Yesterday was absolute shit, and I am only writing about it now so that I can get it all out there, so that it can be read and understood and then let go. The problem with yesterday was that it started off frustrated and never quite got better. It was like a snowball effect, I never quite got anything out of my system and it all kept building and by the end of the night I was ready to scream kick and beat someone. And all I ended up doing was crying to let out the frustrating, and cried pretty much until I fell asleep. ((That was until I smoked out my girlfriend and I when I lit some herbs with a little too much lilac oil. More on that later))
It started in the morning...
I went out the night prior night, to the local bar for my friends birthday. Strike one- I was supposed to ask before I went out. This has never been anything set in stone, or something that I was supposed to be doing. When I asked about it, and asked why I should have asked, the response was," You should know better." That was not exactly what I was hoping for as an answer- better response," I want to know where you are, I would prefer that you start asking me to go somewhere if I'm expecting you to be home." The other issue that I had in the morning was that suddenly there are things being enforced or wanted to be enforced that are just not realistic right now. (back to this later)
Next up, Sir wanted me out of bed. And for some unknown reason, He felt that if he took out his whip it would help get me either out of bed or awake. What it actually did was make me hide under the covers and curl up. Every so often I could feel it hit the blanket, but it never hit me. He also made several attempts to crack it. Now I'm not the biggest fan of whips in general at the moment. I'm getting used to them, slowly but surely. He has admitted that He is not ready to use them on me yet, he's a touch out of practice (aka its been over a year). Strike two. Need I say more? I mean really- why make that choice knowing how I feel about them.
Then it became a joke of some sort about helping me carry out the laundry. "I was going to help you in the morning its afternoon now" "You're not that far along you can still carry it" "Helping means easing the burden, I'm not going to do it all." It felt like pulling teeth to get some help to carry the three baskets of laundry out to the car. Strike three- I just wanted a good damned hand to help me. I didn't realize it was THAT much to ask.
I did talk to Sir about this part but its just a little odd that even when I make a sarcastic remark that its assumed that I am trying to start an argument. I was asking a question, albeit it sarcastic, but an answer instead of walking away would have been much more appreciated. Strike four- walking away...
I went to do the laundry, that got all fubared because somehow His army coat got mixed in and I had to rewash the majority of our laundry. So I opted to run up and go pick up my girlfriend because she was spending the day with us before we went to the Space tonight. Got back and the laundry was done, but it needed to be folded, and hung up and yeah, frustrating its the one chore I really dislike. Strike five laundry...
Dinner a little shopping, not so bad...
Sir wanted a nap after we got back from the store. No big deal, he told me to wake him up in a few hours, so that was the plan. I had made an off handed comment that I would wake him up with a blow job ( guess he didn't hear me, but I learned this much later). When it was time to wake him up, I climbed into bed, snuggled in behind him, kissed his neck, rubbed his back. I didn't do anything too direct at first because I know that he can be very jumpy still when woken up. I was careful, because his arms tend to flail more often than anything else so I made sure that if he did It wouldn't hit me. Well He rolled over once, I kept rubbing his back, this time scratching, cause thats what he likes. I was in his arms, so I didn't think the risk was very high. This time he rolled to his back and I cuddled in all nice and close. This time I let my hand wander, and rubbed him through his pants. I got pushed away, so I waited a bit... tried again, hand moved to his chest... I waited a little longer and then tried one last time. When he moved my hand, I gave up. I wasn't going to push too hard and piss him off. As I was putting my pants back on, I hear from the bed,"You give up too easily"
Strike Six- Rejection... again... but this time because I didn't push hard enough. Please make up your mind. I am getting really tired of and feeling hurt at being constantly rejected by my husband for intimate contact. Its entirely frustrating, and then to have that comment, I don't know. It sucks, and I'm not sure that He really understands what it does to me. It's really troublesome to me that I can't tell what he wants anymore. Its certainly not seeming to be me.
So then after I start crying we start to talk about it. The vibe I then get from the conversation was that it was my fault that it happened, had I not tried to wake him up that way it never would have happened. He could have hurt me or the baby, and the classic " I should have known better." Strike Seven- So not my fault.
Later last night and this morning my Sir apologized, but it still doesn't fully fix what happened. The end result from yesterday leaves me with this. I don't know what he wants anymore, especially when it comes to me. I am not getting the kind of attention that I need from him. My Sir is my Owner, and I am well aware of that fact, and its not going to change. The fact of the matter is that You are still trying to adjust to being home, and getting back into the swing of things. You cannot just reassume certain things and expect me to read your mind and put them into place.
There are some things that are not going to fall into normal until you are better, and adjusted to being home, and ready to take that sort of control back. I will not lie- we can both be lazy, but at some point you need to suck it up and take care of shit. I cannot do this on my own. I am going to need your help, and I'm going to need a lot more of it as the next several months progress. And for minor things now it gets really difficult to imagine how things will be later. Which along those lines, you know how much it bothers me that you smoke in the house. " You can't smell it anymore" Is not a valid excuse because its still settled everywhere and is in the house.
*sigh*
See frustrated...
♥Always♥
your wench
It started in the morning...
I went out the night prior night, to the local bar for my friends birthday. Strike one- I was supposed to ask before I went out. This has never been anything set in stone, or something that I was supposed to be doing. When I asked about it, and asked why I should have asked, the response was," You should know better." That was not exactly what I was hoping for as an answer- better response," I want to know where you are, I would prefer that you start asking me to go somewhere if I'm expecting you to be home." The other issue that I had in the morning was that suddenly there are things being enforced or wanted to be enforced that are just not realistic right now. (back to this later)
Next up, Sir wanted me out of bed. And for some unknown reason, He felt that if he took out his whip it would help get me either out of bed or awake. What it actually did was make me hide under the covers and curl up. Every so often I could feel it hit the blanket, but it never hit me. He also made several attempts to crack it. Now I'm not the biggest fan of whips in general at the moment. I'm getting used to them, slowly but surely. He has admitted that He is not ready to use them on me yet, he's a touch out of practice (aka its been over a year). Strike two. Need I say more? I mean really- why make that choice knowing how I feel about them.
Then it became a joke of some sort about helping me carry out the laundry. "I was going to help you in the morning its afternoon now" "You're not that far along you can still carry it" "Helping means easing the burden, I'm not going to do it all." It felt like pulling teeth to get some help to carry the three baskets of laundry out to the car. Strike three- I just wanted a good damned hand to help me. I didn't realize it was THAT much to ask.
I did talk to Sir about this part but its just a little odd that even when I make a sarcastic remark that its assumed that I am trying to start an argument. I was asking a question, albeit it sarcastic, but an answer instead of walking away would have been much more appreciated. Strike four- walking away...
I went to do the laundry, that got all fubared because somehow His army coat got mixed in and I had to rewash the majority of our laundry. So I opted to run up and go pick up my girlfriend because she was spending the day with us before we went to the Space tonight. Got back and the laundry was done, but it needed to be folded, and hung up and yeah, frustrating its the one chore I really dislike. Strike five laundry...
Dinner a little shopping, not so bad...
Sir wanted a nap after we got back from the store. No big deal, he told me to wake him up in a few hours, so that was the plan. I had made an off handed comment that I would wake him up with a blow job ( guess he didn't hear me, but I learned this much later). When it was time to wake him up, I climbed into bed, snuggled in behind him, kissed his neck, rubbed his back. I didn't do anything too direct at first because I know that he can be very jumpy still when woken up. I was careful, because his arms tend to flail more often than anything else so I made sure that if he did It wouldn't hit me. Well He rolled over once, I kept rubbing his back, this time scratching, cause thats what he likes. I was in his arms, so I didn't think the risk was very high. This time he rolled to his back and I cuddled in all nice and close. This time I let my hand wander, and rubbed him through his pants. I got pushed away, so I waited a bit... tried again, hand moved to his chest... I waited a little longer and then tried one last time. When he moved my hand, I gave up. I wasn't going to push too hard and piss him off. As I was putting my pants back on, I hear from the bed,"You give up too easily"
Strike Six- Rejection... again... but this time because I didn't push hard enough. Please make up your mind. I am getting really tired of and feeling hurt at being constantly rejected by my husband for intimate contact. Its entirely frustrating, and then to have that comment, I don't know. It sucks, and I'm not sure that He really understands what it does to me. It's really troublesome to me that I can't tell what he wants anymore. Its certainly not seeming to be me.
So then after I start crying we start to talk about it. The vibe I then get from the conversation was that it was my fault that it happened, had I not tried to wake him up that way it never would have happened. He could have hurt me or the baby, and the classic " I should have known better." Strike Seven- So not my fault.
Later last night and this morning my Sir apologized, but it still doesn't fully fix what happened. The end result from yesterday leaves me with this. I don't know what he wants anymore, especially when it comes to me. I am not getting the kind of attention that I need from him. My Sir is my Owner, and I am well aware of that fact, and its not going to change. The fact of the matter is that You are still trying to adjust to being home, and getting back into the swing of things. You cannot just reassume certain things and expect me to read your mind and put them into place.
There are some things that are not going to fall into normal until you are better, and adjusted to being home, and ready to take that sort of control back. I will not lie- we can both be lazy, but at some point you need to suck it up and take care of shit. I cannot do this on my own. I am going to need your help, and I'm going to need a lot more of it as the next several months progress. And for minor things now it gets really difficult to imagine how things will be later. Which along those lines, you know how much it bothers me that you smoke in the house. " You can't smell it anymore" Is not a valid excuse because its still settled everywhere and is in the house.
*sigh*
See frustrated...
♥Always♥
your wench
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Resolutions
The end of 2010 brought about a whole new change to my life. I found myself again and I feel like an even better me for that matter. It also brought my Girlfriend into my life, she has been nothing but a blessing in my life. In November my husband finally came home, and everything seemed to stabilize out. I am surrounded by support and love. I've cleaned out who I consider to be my "friends" and those who are not healthy for me.
Now as I look forward to 2011, there are more changes coming into my life. I am looking to start up tutoring once more, perhaps a class or two for me. We are looking to move in the spring to a bigger place for our new family. The biggest change of all will be the new baby. I have a home to keep safe now (my body) and soon I will have a new house to prepare as well for after the birth. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am rather excited for it.
This year I have decided that my resolution is to be more accountable. I often say that I will do things and slide on them, Or I will step back if someone gives me a half-assed reason to not do something. This year I have decided that I am going to ensure that I am doing what I need to do. No more excuses.
My new level of accountability is also going to include being more assertive and standing up for myself, ensuring that I am taking care of myself and my baby. I am taking everything one day at a time and ensuring that I have everything in order. I realize that I will not be perfect, and there are days that are not going to go as well as others. It is important for me to ensure that I don't dwell on those off days and focus on what I do next, and moving forward.
Now as I look forward to 2011, there are more changes coming into my life. I am looking to start up tutoring once more, perhaps a class or two for me. We are looking to move in the spring to a bigger place for our new family. The biggest change of all will be the new baby. I have a home to keep safe now (my body) and soon I will have a new house to prepare as well for after the birth. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am rather excited for it.
This year I have decided that my resolution is to be more accountable. I often say that I will do things and slide on them, Or I will step back if someone gives me a half-assed reason to not do something. This year I have decided that I am going to ensure that I am doing what I need to do. No more excuses.
My new level of accountability is also going to include being more assertive and standing up for myself, ensuring that I am taking care of myself and my baby. I am taking everything one day at a time and ensuring that I have everything in order. I realize that I will not be perfect, and there are days that are not going to go as well as others. It is important for me to ensure that I don't dwell on those off days and focus on what I do next, and moving forward.
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