17 hours in the car...
8 hours of sleep
30 minute shower...


And I feel human again...

Even betterm I washed the dishes, did a little cleaning and now im realxing... *ahhhh*

miss you my love.

4. I know you are bad with you journal/blog, but I need to know your feelings, thoughts, fantasies and dreams. We have both lost touch with each other, and we need to get that back.


Here goes nothing My Sir...

I'm scared, I know you're angry about today but I am still scared. I am afraid that I can't be as open or honest with you as I want to be becuase you will get angry with me. I understand that you're angry, and that you are not under the most ideal of circumstances for any type of serious conversation, but it doesn't leave the door open very far for me to feel that I can open up about things without some sense of backlash.
I've been doing alot of thinking today.I had never been able to quite see it this way until I spoke with someone about it. Even you said that nothing I said made sense. And When this phrase came out it makes a ton more sense to me. It isn't that I am snooping to find something- but rather I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you and I'm just looking for proof that I am wrong. And yes, that leads into everything im doing making you feel like im checking up on you , and yes that nothing is getting through my head. I'm just so scared and it hurts.

I am trying to figure out what will help me understand that I'm not going to loose you. that is going to take sometime but Its something I want to focus on for now.
Alright back to my original intent of writing this. What I am feeling is thus-

-pain
-fear
-confusion
-heartache
-insecurity
-unstable


I don't like the way I feel right now, but I'm trying to work past them but thats going to take some time too... jsut like it will for yout o not be angry with me anymore...

I REFUSE to feel guilty....

And now I am turning to anger.  I need to vent, so be prepared all thsoe who dare read on. 

Lets get this fucking fact straight.  As of September 18, 2006.  I married  the most amazing man in my life, he is a soldier, a husband and the man I am going to share the REST of my life with.  HE is my husband and I am his wife.  We ARE family now... we have our own family, and soon when he gets home I AM going to give him a child.  This takes us to a whole different level any of the rest of you and I never knew that I would have to feel this way.

I don't need someone elses bullshit.  I don't need someone else's drama. 

My Mother calls me because she saw the news about the incident over there, and wanted to know if you were alright.  I told her you were fine- but it shortly it turned into a lecture on how I need to be comntacting her if I hear anything.  If you've benhurt, ifsomeone else has been hurt, if I've talked to you, If I've not talked to you - Becuase she wants to be there for me. 

And the kicker of it all- Gods forbid that you get hurt- She expects ME to call HER before I call your mother.  She's ridiculous, and I brushed it off and ignored her.  I am not calling her first.  Should something happen, the fist call is to your parents. 

But then it gets better.  I had dinner with Jess bronson last night ( Mind you I wanted to write about htis today) And at the end of dinner, I have a voicemail from your mother.  She ants me to call her back and it sounds like somethng is wrong.  So I call her back as we're leaving the restuarant, cuase im worried that something happened.  No. 

She called me becuase she's been upset with me and doesn't really want to talk with me but I need to know that she is angry with me for having spoken with you and NOT TELLING HER.   When I told her that I didn't talk to you, that I saw you in messenger for a couple of minutes She practucally launched at me " It doesn't matter how you talked to him.  You should have told me"

And she was still furious she couldn't stay on the phone with me... I apologized, told her that it slipped my mind, and I didn't think to tell her.  I sent ot that email to everyone in the family HER included.  And SHE was standing her on Tuesday when we found out that it wasn't you that got hurt SHE KNEW YOU WERE FINE. 

But now its suddenly my fault becuase I didn't tell her that we had a couple minute conversation.  Honestly I don't need that.  I sent out that email after my mother had gotten on my case about the news soI thought I would head off any and all questions.  I try to do something good and I get bitched at. 

After what little talking I had with your mother, I started crying- becuase she was making me feel guilty that I got to talk to you.  And I shouldn't feel that way I shouldn't have to.  I don't feel guilty.  Its not my problem.  But what I am getting is angry.  I'm your wife, I'm supposed to talk to you.  You called your granparents on Easter.  THEY got to hear your voice not me.  And I had to take that in stride.  I miss your voice, I miss getting to talk to you and hear you tell me that you love me. 

If it was the other way around and John was over there- what would she do- How would she feel...

I know she is your mother, butI'm your wife, and this whole situation makes me want to scream... From now on I jsut think I"m going to keep my mouth shut and I'm not talking to anyone.  I don't need the drama. 

* curls back up with her pillow*


I love you my Sir...

your jingles

Our First...

Ritual on the pat h of bringing us together.



me (4/3/2010 1:45:46 PM): Its so nice to jsut lay here in my cuffs...


Sir (4/3/2010 1:45:55 PM): Its nice to see you there in them

me (4/3/2010 1:46:06 PM): oh and if I might ask why that is my Sir?

Sir (4/3/2010 1:46:22 PM): Because you need to wear them more often when I'm home

me (4/3/2010 1:46:44 PM): oh is that so? andif I might again probe into the why?

Sir (4/3/2010 1:46:59 PM): Because I like seeing you in them.

 
Without further ado I give you...
 
*insert drumroll*
 

Ritual One-  When appropriate the four purple and black leather cuffs will be worn at all time when in Sir and harmony's space provided they o not interfere with chores, or visitors. 

 

When Sir returns from the giant sandbox, The ritual will shift om such a way that harmony will have to fetch her cuffs, and bring them to her Sir so that He may bind her in them.  This will serve as a way to reinforce their space together and a different mindset from "work" and "us". 

 

me (4/3/2010 1:50:51 PM): look at us go.. leaps and bounds...


me (4/3/2010 1:50:55 PM): and better we're doing it together!

Sir (4/3/2010 1:51:07 PM): Indeed we are

me (4/3/2010 1:51:56 PM): I have to say I like our new ritual...

Sir (4/3/2010 1:52:03 PM): So do I

me (4/3/2010 1:52:11 PM): our first new ritual on the path to a better us

i suddenly feel cheesy...