Week 6

I am in my 6th week now, and I just called to get my appointments.

I have them scheduled but I am suddenly less than thrilled.   I was told that I have to see every doctor in their office at least once during my pregnancy.  Seriously? what happened to the days when you got to know your doctor and they got to know you? And that was the Doctor you had for the birth too.  I am being led to believe that this is going to be one of those places that whomever is on call will deliver my baby.  Not who I want.  And it is NOT making me happy right now...


*CRANKY FACE*

2 lines...

Its been made official, and I've gone to the doctors, and had my test-

I am pregnant.  


YAAAAAY

Reflections

This weekend has provided a few instances of reflection and thought.

To start with this weekend was the first time since my Husband has returned that I have gone out, while he just stayed at home. At first it didn't seem right, if he was staying home, shouldn't I be at home with him? No, he told me to go out and have fun. So I did.

My Husband has also told me that he is not ready yet to resume play, in fact as much as to say that when he was home on leave, he shouldn't have played with me then. I had a short conversation with Bitters on the topic, and one with Dee- In both cases, and I agree it is a huge step, and an amazing fact that my Husband can admit that he isn't ready yet. I know Him, he may believe that his statement makes him look weak. "He should be able to beat me"

The other bit of conversation that hit me with thought provocation was that having Freaky in my life and in His, is not just beneficial, but incredibly helpful given the current circumstances. She was right, and I am incredibly thankful to have found her. As she was introduced, very politely and carefully as " my Toppy Sadist... ummm... She's my girlfriend" She is that and much more, that will have to wait until later to be explained. In that moment however, In my head I heard myself think,"How should I handle this"

This brings me to the demo that was held this weekend.

SHOULD

Who is going to say what you "should" do, or what is right for me? Or for my relationships? Or any of that. The class on protocols, etiquette and manners, was so much more than that for me. Yes I am a smart mouthed, pain in the ass sometimes, but I do maintain what I feel are appropriate lines of respect and courtesy. It has been a long time coming for me- I used to base how I dressed, acted, thought, and behaved based on those around me and what was perceived as the "popular, cool, or most acceptable" thing to do at the time.

But now I know one thing is incredibly true. You can tell me what I should do, or act, or say, or feel etc. I am going to do what is right for me, what makes me happy, what makes my life better. Even if it means that some people are going to look at me funny, that some people aren't going to understand that I am married and have an incredible girlfriend, that some people are going to be confused to all hell because- I'm me.

You don't have to understand it, or figure out why it makes you feel good, but that is the beauty of harmony. Its complex, you don't have to understand it, just feel it.

I'm harmony...

♥

Its been a little while...

I had been doing soo good, and then this last weekend and such, I've fallen behind.  *grrr face*

Let's see...

Saturday night I went out to the bar with Mel for a drink, It was really great to see her again :-) However to the dude who yaked in the parking lot, and left it there for me to step in... you suck.

Sunday was the day for Christmas trees and relaxing.  We found a gorgeous tree for our living room and its all pretty.  Then we had a nice relaxing enjoyable dinner with his grandparents, also fun.  Then we came home and vegged out some more.  ((seeing the trend))

Yesterday however was a big day... Sir met Melinda...



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He likes her! YAAAAY Everything went well we had dinner, and joked around at my expense, and they both had a grand old time.  It was wonderful.  I am sooo excited.  He was very glad that she insisted on meeting him before we went out this weekend to the Space.  He did talk to me this morning about how he felt the first time that I went to go sit with her.  But in the end he knew that all he had to do was call me over and I would be back at his feet.  :-)  My Sir rocks... and so does my Mel :P


They canceled my ultrasound this morning, so I'll be going tomorrow for that *fingers crossed* I'm nervous about it, but I'm also hoping that they are just gone... and can stay gone.  I'll have to see what happens.


♥Always♥
da wench

Communicating through upsets.

I had a job interview today.  I am hoping to hear back from them by the beginning of the week.  It should be a good job, It doesn't have as high a sales point as other stores, but we can see how things go.

Sir and I had a lengthy conversation of sorts about how I was feeling earlier today.  It was a good conversation that we needed.  It is one of those things that needed to come out.  I don't always let on to how much it stresses me out that I don't have a job.  It is still important to me that I get time with my Sir, quite important.  It can get under my skin a lot more than I let on.  It is still not an easy thing for me.

I am glad that my Sir and I were able to talk things through, and go from the angry frustrated state to communication.  I will admit that we both needed a moment or several to relax and let things ease back into normalcy.

The rest of this week is rather laid back, only a few things to take care of  this weekend- getting our tree. Otherwise we can relax and do a whole lot of not too much.  I am just glad to have the time with my Sir, and to be normal... well normal for us.  Cept the tickling... Gah its driving me NUTS giggles


♥Always♥
da wench

What am I thankful for...

On this holiday I thought it might be appropriate to write my journal on the things that I am thankful for.

*My Sir-  I am thankful that not only has he come home safely, but as did the rest of the his platoon, and company.  I am extremely lucky to have him in my life, I am a much better person because of him.

*Melinda- I am again lucky to have this woman in my life.  She makes me smile, giggles with me, protects me and of all things reminds me not to take myself too seriously and not to stress out...

*Miko- I wouldn't be me without her, she has helped me more than I can put into words.

*All of my family and friends...

This has been a very trying year for me, with my Sir gone, and working on my depression, keeping things in order and getting myself back.  I am happy and thankful that this year has gone how it  has progressed.  I look forward to all the great things to come in my life.

♥Always♥
da wench

Not really sure what to write about tonight.

Today was an odd sort of day.  It was alright, pretty good...  there were some meh moments, and a few times that Sir and I had to sit and chat about things.  I guess at one point I looked pretty pathetic and mopey.  It so wasn't what I had intended.

I am adjusting for the most part to my new collar.  Its still tough sometimes, I feel like I'm choking myself when I move on occasion, other times with how I am laying.  I'll have to continue to see how things go, usually with an adjustment I am fine.  It jsut is taking some work.  Its odd not to be wearing my Hammer.  thats for sure.

Back to looking at potential rentals with Sir...

♥Always♥
das wench

Day 2

My Sir had to report today.  Not a big deal, it gave me time to take care of the house and relax this morning and come down from the stress of yesterday. The day overall and my time with him has been very relaxing for us both.  He's had his time to unwind and adjust to being home, and not in a combat zone.  I as well have had time to adjust to having him home, taking care of him without being too much, and be able to settle things.

We have a few things to take care of tomorrow but for the time being everything seems to be going as well as can be expected.  We've been taking time for each other, and communicating, even through some of the tougher emotions.  I can honestly say that things are going much smoother than the last time he came home.  I am feeling very positive about this.

It's getting to be about that time of night again.  Everything is going to be shut off and it will be time, just for me and my Sir.

Sweet dreams...

♥Always♥
da wench

Thought of the moment...

I'm putting this here because I'm going to vent this...

He's home, and you've entered the phase of lets do all of this stuff now.  In a month you'll be over it, it won't really care, you'll leave us alone, and we can do what we want.  but why the FUCK can't and won't you do that now.  Really? What the fuck.  Seriously, give him  some quiet time, alone with his wife.  I am his fucking family too.

He's already fucking pissed at you because you not only paid no attention to what he said but directly did something he didn't want.  Now you want to go out and do something with him? Where the hell... ugh.

I vented its out... now I'm done.  Its up to him if he wants to go out tonight.  If it were up to me, I'd tell you to fuck off.

He's home!

He's home! Sir's home!

It's been a roller coaster of a day, but the important part is that my Sir is home.  I've  spent the day with my Sir and not been terribly stressed out.  I had an upset earlier today, and it took me a while to get through, but the important thing to me is that I got past it, and my Sir helped me through it.

Since then we've sat around and watched some movies- Iron Man 2 and how to train your dragon to be exact.   Sir put together one of his lego sets.  I think its really cool.  We had a yummy dinner of flank steak and potatoes. I'll remember a vegetable tomorrow I swear.

I also got my collar today.  Here's my picture-

I am such a happy girl.  Who wouldn't be.  The collar is taking some time to adjust to.  Its a different shape, in some places it feels tight, in others too loose.  Go figure...

Sir is watching football and I have a few moments to journal and update a few places.  I'm all excited though, tomorrow Sir has to go handle some Army stuff, and I need a game plan for myself.  what I'm going to do for the day, I definitely think I'm going to the gym.  It will be interesting to see how things go with my collar on LOL

Sweet dreams everyone...

♥Always♥
Your wench

 

Wake up!

Tomorrow morning... thats about all that I can think about.  tomorrow morning my Sir will be home, and in my arms, and in our apartment, and have I mentioned he'll be home?

I get my collar...
I get my Sir...

I'm really happy.  Ecstatic might be the better word.

Nice and early...
I need to sleep but I'm not sure how.

I have to say that having Melinda here for the weekend, has been a blessing.  She's helped me keep from thinking too much, and getting in over my head.  I am so glad she's been here.  Now I have everyone over for the night, I think Ben's gonna get tied up so that he can't move :D


I see my Sir in the morning!

♥Always♥
Your wench

2 nights... 1 day... and a wake up

I got new sneakers today... And they fit really well I'm happy.

I'm trying to remain relatively calm.  Things are going well, I did a little bit of shopping for final stuff, and I spent the day with Melinda who has kept my mind focused, despite my SEVERE aptitude for ooh this, and ooh that, and what about that, or this, or the other thing.

I'm going to go watch another movie, and relax for a moment or three.

I'll journal in the morning...

♥Always♥
Your wench


YAAAAAY SIR HOME SOON!

3 nights.... 2 days... 1 wake up...

Thats the countdown, and I am so excited.  I even learned what time he is coming in on Monday.

*deep breath*

I got several run around kind of things done today, and I went to Barb's friday night karate session.  She tested and earned her yellow belt tonight.  I'm so proud of her.  :D She did awesome.  Watching her inspired me a little bit.  I want to try it out, give it a shot, I think it might be something fun to try, and do.  I think it could be alot of fun.

I also went and got the puppy groomed today, Gordon's came through with Sir's mead, the house is still in good order.  I got the ponitac washed, and vacuumed out, IT looks all pertiful for monday.  I exchanged the sweater I bought so that I have something that fits to wear to go pick him up in.  *cheers*

The rest of this weekend...

Melinda is coming over to help keep me managably sane without counting every passing hour.  She is going to help me get the sewing machine working so that I can finish working on a secret project for my Sir.  Only hint.... it involves leather and wool.   I'll probably finish up a few little odds and end projects I have around the house.  And go buy myself a pair of sneakers- so that I have some sort of shoe to wear that isn't a flip flop (cause its too cold) and because the old ones are destroying the backs of my ankles.

Then sunday I'm having ben and audra over for the usual wine and needles sunday.  It will definitely help keep my mind preoccupied enough so that I'm not counting hours and minutes until I pick him up on Monday.  

Is it obvious I'm excited?
I mean the fact that I have near on everything done?
That I bounced in the middle of the parking lot?
The fact that I am DYING to have his arms around me?

Nope... not at all...


Until Tomorrow...

♥Always♥
Your wench

Four...

Or as my Sir puts it, Three days and wake up.  be here right around the corner.

I am so fricken excited, I really can't believe that he is going to be home.  He is finally going to be home, and its almost here.

Anyway, I finished all my cleaning today.  All that is left is to keep up with how things are right now.  I have a small list of other things I want to accomplish in the next few days, but its nothing major.  A few odds and edds to tie up before my Sir gets home.

Friday I am going to see my friend earn her belt.  She is a larger woman, and wants me and a few others there for moral and emotional support while she goes for her belt.  I am touched that she wanted me to support her, so I will be there tomorrow from 6-730 or so.  After that I'm going to head back home for dinner and then relax.   Past that I know that Sunday I am having the gang over for Wine and Needles Sunday, and at some point this weekend, Melinda and I are going to hang out.

Then on Monday morning or so at some point I get to drive up and go pick up my Sir!

I've really enjoyed getting to talk to him the last few days, and I'll get to talk to him everyday until he gets home.  I just cannot wait to pick him up.  I'm really excited is it obvious?

I'm going to go do some reading and relax for a bit before I go to bed.

♥Always♥
Your wench

Stateside!

I got the best phone call I could have asked for today.  My Sir is stateside, and in Indiana, getting ready to come home.  *Does the wicked happy dance* The first group of Soldiers came home today, and it looks like my Sir will be home on Monday :D  I'm so excited, like I can't sit still.  Well I can it just takes a lot of focus.  I can't say I am focusing very well.

Well at least not on anything other than "Monday".

I've had this list for two weeks of everything that I wanted to get accomplished before he came home.  I've been knocking off a few things everyday, because somethings just had to wait.  Suddenly this evening, I've jsut had this huge burst of " Get it DONE!" I dusted every shelf,, swept and hand washed the kitchen floor, sorted through the trash, started a pile of things to donate, organized a bunch of stuff in the kitchen...

That doesn't include what I've done earlier today.

Time for bed...

♥Always♥
Your EXCITED wench

Eight...

Eight is a magical number...

Its the number of days until I get to pick up my Sir and bring him home.

I got that news this morning, well this afternoon.  As I type this I am fairly certain that he is somewhere between I'm guessing Ireland and being stateside.  At least that is my guess I don't know anything for certain, not until my phone rings to tell me that he is on this side of the Ocean.

I cried this afternoon, a happy cry.  I was just overwhelmed with this feeling of ease and excitement.  He's going to be home soon.  It helped that he was feeling better in more ways than one.  There was a good 15 minutes or so of just My Sir... My Jingles... I love you... I love you too...  over and over.  It was like I was sitting with my Sir and relaxed, and this feeling of comfort and ease because soon enough he will be home.  It was something I know I needed.

I got several errands completed today.  I have to go back to the DMV tomorrow... I didn't grab my clearance sheet on the taxes, so I had everything else ready for them today.  I have to go back, get a temp registration, go take it to get the emissions done and then hope that it will pass, and then once thats done I can go get a permanent registration.  If it doesn't pass I'm not sure what I can do myself to get it fixed.  However, I am not going to worry about it until I get to that bridge.

I have a week, I want to get everything said, done and ready to go by monday- Then I have everything, laid back, relaxed, so that I can sail into wednesday and not have to worry about anything.

Time for me to do a little reading and then hit they hay.  Here's hoping I hear from my Sir tonight.

♥Always♥
Your wench

I'm putting this into my journal and only briefly...

I feel kinda I can't find the right word, but on the lines of ignored tonight.  My Sir was busy looking up car parts with his mechanic, and I was reading a book for a bit, but I was waiting around for when he was less busy.  However, my Sir logged out without saying goodnight, just *poof* I had tried sending a few messages but it was all... *poof* I kept staring at my messenger, like maybe he got kicked off and is coming back.  But not so much...


Its just something small- for him to say goodnight to me, that when its missed... sucks.

♥Always♥

What day of the week is the DMV not open?

Monday... thats right today.  I got the insurance cards, and then said, hmm let me see if its closer to go to old saybrook.  And it is, but its also CLOSED today.  So now tomorrow I will be marching my backside down to the DMV and getting the registration.   One step at a time lol.

I got another box of clothes in the mail today, I'm wondering how many there are and if there are more on their way.  I am more concerned with my Sir coming home, I've seen enough boxes, I want him. Today was a laid back day for me, my legs are still sore, It feels like I pulled a hamstring, and its not fun.  I got several little errands run, but that was about it.  I've still got my list, and I'm working on it.

I'm going to do a little reading until my Sir wakes up...

♥Always♥
Your wench

As we were leaving the space last night, I said... I hope my phone is in my bag in the trunk. " We should stop and check" "Nah I'm sure its there"

I get home... nope I left it in East Hartford, so this afternoon- time to drive  back and get my cell phone.  Those 12 hours without it were killer for me, but I made it.  I was worried about getting some sort of phone call or something that would  not be taken care of.  Long story short, have phone, and home in time for WnN sunday.

Right now I am talking to my Sir, so I am thrilled at the moment.   I'm going to focus on chatting with him but I wanted to journal before it was too late.

I love you my Sir! ♥


♥Always♥
Your Wench

Sore... sore... saturday

I expected that I would be sore today.  I knew I would.  It was my first day back at the gym after months of being off.  I could feel my muscles going," oh hell its been a while since I've done this, give me a minute... ooof!"  Now this morning they are screaming, "Ouch... don't make me move!"  Oh well it happens, Its the good kind of sore.  It's interesting to watch my muscles shake and twitch, and remember what they are supposed to do.  I enjoy this kind of sore, its the, you just had a workout, you're on the right track kind of sore.

In other news, I got the title for my Sir's new bronco this morning. :D I'm so excited, I've got just about everything in place.  As of Monday I should have all of that in place and ready to go for when he gets home.  I am beyond excited, once the 15th hits, I know I'm going to hit overdrive, becuase its that much closer to when my Sir will be home!

I'm writing this early, because I am going to the space tonight.  There is a Thanksgiving munch earlier in the evening before the play party.  Which is why I will be gone so early in the day.  I'll have my cell attached to my hand as always, but I wanted to make sure that I get this done.  It is my goal to hit nearly everyday for the remainder of the month.  I've missed only one day, and that all I want to miss.

♥Always♥
Your wench

I got a phone call from my Sir this morning.  He thinks he will be back later on in the month than we had anticipated.  I'm not as concerned, he is on his way home, it just increases my anxiety for when he finally is home.  It makes me want him home that much more.  I just want him home, and that band of steel around my neck.  I am even working on a way to get it so that I can hang my hammer from the collar.  I'm not sure I can go without wearing my hammer.  I've worn it for so long, It doesn't feel right without it. Its bad enough I lost my pentacle. *sigh*

I was sitting around the apartment this morning when I realized that a year ago, I started going tot he gym because I had wanted to better myself.  Also, I realized that I've not been to the gym in about 8 months, something I can't say I'm thrilled with.  So I am going back to the gym again.  I started today, 20 minutes on the treadmill, and lifted more weights.  I know that I am going to be sore tomorrow.  I am really proud of myself though.  I may not have been to the gym in a long time, but I am still mostly as flexible as I was when I stopped going.

Even better than that...

I ran for two minutes straight without having to stop.

This is a big thing for me.  It seems minute to some people but to me its a good thing.  I used to be barely able to make it through a minute of jogging.  Today I made it two minutes straights on a speed of 4, no stopping.  I made it through the first minute, and then I pushed myself, I wanted to get through that second minute.  Still breathing and not panting.  I was sooo excited.  I still am really excited.  I am hoping that on Monday when I go next, I'll make it 2 minutes, maybe 2.5 minute if not three.  I want to keep pushing myself maybe by the time my Sir gets home I can run a good 10 minutes straight.  thats how things happen.  One minute at a time.  I just have to keep pushing myself.

♥Always♥
your wench

I had a great day.  I spend the entire afternoon having lunch and talking with my friend barb.  It was a great way to pass the time.  I need to do this a lot more.  I am really excited I am continuing to surround myself with better and better people.

*grins*

Tonight I am off to the bar for a little bit of singing, and be there for tiffany's birthday.  It should be awfully interesting, I don't think I'm going to stay out too late.  Don't want to spend too much money, becuase I want to go out this weekend to the space for the munch.

♥Always♥
Your wench

I find it totally ironic that I get a phone call this morning telling me not to cancel the party, twelve hours after I had cancelled it.  We shall see what happens.

I am totally excited for when he gets home, I want him home today, I know it won't be today, but I can hope right?  This afternoon I got the AC out of the window and I cleaned out the living room closet (well for the most part), I set up the lego station in the living room.  His table is ready, with the storage containers, and his legos all set up and ready for when he gets home.

I am also thinking of the potential use of my Sir's camo bag that we can use as a toybag.  Of course its referred to as the "dead hooker bag".  Its big enough to carry near about anything, I figure it will carry everything we need, changes of clothes, my blanket, anything my Sir might want to use on me- floggers, ropes, spreader bars, canes... anything.

It's an option, going to see what he is thinking.  I am just really excited to have him home, and have him home soon.  It will be a little bit longer, but soon enough.  I am not counting, I swear, I'm still hoping to have my Sir home in a few weeks... at the latest.

♥Always♥
Your wench

Medical Stuff and me

Back in September I learned that I have Ovarian Cysts.  According to both the Dr's at the ER, and the primary physician that I saw I didn't have much to worry about for ovarian cancer.  It was a huge boulder of stress off my back.

I have scheduled follow up with my Doctor in December, to have my body looked at again and to get another ultrasound.  Part of me feels more relaxed about it because my Sir will be there with me when I go through it again to see what has happened with the cysts.

I wanted to write about this today because as usual today is the day that the pain takes me out of commission. I've spent all day with a heating pad over my midsection, sucking on pain killers.  It is not an easy thing to go through, for anyone at any time.

This is the first day in a while that I have literally sat around and done nothing.  I spent the majority of my day online, bored out of my mind because I didn't want to move.  What was worse was that I didn't want to sleep away the day again and toss my sleep schedule into the air again.  Instead I did a little bit of research, and now I have more informed questions to ask of my doctor when I go for my follow up.

According to 4 of the 5 websites I was looking at (all medical informative sites) having cysts that are not properly functioning, which seems to be me currently- hence all the pain-could be a reason as to why my Sir and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant.  When I saw my primary last time she told me that one of the things that could be done was putting me on birth control.  With my desire to be pregnant paramount, I can't take birth control.  But I did read about a hormone that I can take that will help any follicular cysts rupture and release an egg, which will not only help with reducing the pain from the cysts that I am experiencing now but that can also help me get pregnant.

There are other homeopathics things that are randomly suggested- castor oil, evening primrose oil, eating more dark green leafy vegetables, eating less red meat, blue cohosh, increasing intake of vitamin A C E... there are a lot of options that I can take but I need more information, and I need to talk about this with my Sir, see what he thinks, talk it over with my doctor, and see what we can work together on to help make this situation better.


Is it time for my Sir to be home yet?

♥Always♥
your wench

Mash up

Today's journal is a mash up of emotions.  This morning was difficult, waking up to hear my Sir's voice and hearing that it is going to be longer than I expected until he was home.  Not that I had expected him home overly soon, but when I hadn't heard from him for days, and the last thing he said was that he had to go," it was a good thing" I was so certain that he was on his way home.  But he's not...

I really REALLY dislike this whole hurry up and wait bullshit.  And it leaves me with a very sour, and upset bowl of emotions.

I went back to sleep, which can be a sign of my body going into a downswing again, but I wanted to nap, hoping to wake up on a better side of the bed.  It didn't work out quite so well, but I woke up to talk with Miko, she's having some difficult times, and there is little I can do, but I know she will get through it.

One thing she said that not only took me off guard but really upset me.  I've come a long way in this last year. there has been alot of work, and self reflection and pushing myself to new heights, breaking down walls, and getting myself back.  As my blog states from the get go, my goal was to rediscover the hidden harmony that I had kept  hidden behind all of those walls.

The last time that I had used this persons name in my journal I was accused of slandering her name in a public forum.  This is my journal so that my Sir can see and understand my thoughts.  I am not going to censor myself, because someone disagrees with my opinion.  To the person in question- if you have a problem with what I am about to write, I am sure you can find some way to get in touch with me.

There is a woman who feels that my rediscovery, and why I am doing so much better is because of "everything she has done for me." I find this an entire load of shit, and she can try and spoon feed it to anyone else but she will not get that past me or anyone close to me.  Yes she helped me start to look at thinks in a different view, and helped me on the path of thinking about things in a different light.   But she is NOT responsible for all of my changes.

In fact, she at one point had begun to make things worse, though at the time I hadn't realized it.  At a time when I should have been continuing to pull away from the computer and that ridiculous game known as Secondlife, she was helping to pull me into the game and away from  real life.  There wasn't a true focus on my husband, but opening my mind to havinga "second Master" in Second life who could take care of me.  Which while it may very well be a possibility for some people I've come to realize that it is not for me.

This realization came when I went to visit her.  The whole point of my trip down to see her and her house was to help me get better.  She had a higher priority to sitting on her computer and living there, and predominately ignoring me, unless she needed something done.  There were several things that were brought up that she was participating in that was doing nothing but irritate me and try to assert her "dominance" over me, because it seemed to be assumed that I was inferrior by some means.

If anything it was her partner, that made me realize that I needed to stop hiding from what I was afraid of, or just walk away from the situation.  That was NOT her.  It was someone else.  The rest of my time down there was spent with my bestie, someone who really took the time to get to know me, earn my trust, get close to me to really understand me and what I was going through.  She saw that I needed to get away from the world of electronics and remember that there is an entire world, the REAL world, out there... waiting for me, something that I could enjoy and be a part of again.  That was the BIGGEST  thing I needed to learn and it was certainly not from anyone else but her.

*end rant*

Long story short, don't claim to have helped me when you know full well that you didn't.  I have learned the difference between those who appreciate me, who are my real friends, and who is going to be here to support me.  As opposed to those who will try to use me, manipulate me and get something they want by walking all over me.  That is NO longer going to happen.  I have cut people out of my life for a reason, if you're one of them, stop trying to use me to your benefit.



♥Always♥
Your wench

I didn't get a chance to journal last night it slipped my mind.  I was at the bridal party until after 5, and didn't get home until 7, and then I made a little bit to eat, Melinda came over, and then we went to watch the karaoke contest at the other bar down the road.

The shower was a lot of fun, I oddly enjoyed myself. :D We played several games, and she was quite happy with all of the gifts that she received.  I had a great time with the table I sat with.  The not so great part of it was that Everyone at the party was talking about how awesome it was that Jenny knew when her fiancée was coming home.  That and everyone was wanting to know when my Sir was coming home, and I didn't know... I've not felt so awkward in a looooong time.  It certainly was not fun... but I tried to get past that...

Today, we had the time change last night.  This morning, and afternoon I spent the majority of the day starting some of the final cleaning projects before my Sir gets home.  Melinda tried dying her hair this evening and the bleach didn't work out so well.  Right now I have the usual gang over for "wine and needle" Sunday.

♥Always♥
your wench

Freaky...

At one point my Sir said that he would wait until he got home to meet and learn about  Freaky.  I think its important for me that I write about her in my journal.  Its meant to show my Sir how I feel and what I am thinking so that he has a better understanding of me for when he gets back from the distance between us. 

I am torn becuase I do NOT want this to be something that comes back and bites me in the ass becuase I choose to share it.  I know how easily text without inflection and emotion behind words can at times misconvey the appropriate thoughts and feelings behind the words.  Part of me is worried that He will read this, and it could be taken the wrong way, and it will cause issues for us. That he will read something in this that isn't there.  That is what I do not want  have to have happen here, especially on this entry. I can only hope that he will come to me if he has any concerns about what I've written.


Sir had always said that I could do whatever I wanted as long as it was with a woman.  After I had met Melinda, initially it was nothing more than causal flirting, but I took the step to double check with my Sir to find out if he had been serious about me doing something with a woman.  To my utter disbelief that night, he was serious, and he laid down some conditions for what he was comfortable with.  I was shocked to say the least, but one thing has stayed true from that conversation until now.  Spending time and being with Melinda is not going to take me away from my Sir. 

I've made my share of mistakes before, getting too close to people who "had good intentions" however this time, I feel the most safe with her.  Melinda is polyamorous, it is something that I am learning about, but with her, I know that she isn't considering a way to take me away from my Husband in the back of her mind.  If anything, she has done everything possible to ensure that my Husband is involved in nearly everything that we have done.  From ensuring that we have pictures for him to see of what we have done, to making certain that I have my Sir's blanket during aftercare, and sometimes tickling me when he can't be here to do it.  She knows that He is my first priority, and will be. 

Melinda and I talk about everything.  Before the first time we "scened" together or even tried something new, I explinaed to her what happened the only other time that I had done something either a in public or b with someone other than my Sir.  She has never done anything but ensure that I am comfortable.  She is rather protective of me, especially when we are at the Space.  Anyone that I am a little leary of, or that she doesn't trust, doesn't get near me. 

Despite the fact that at the beginning I had carte blanche to do what I wanted, it still took me nearly three weeks before I could kiss her.  I wasn't quite ready for it yet, things remained at a very causual flirtation, and snuggle level.  That was where things stayed, because that is where I was comfortable.

But now I am comfortable to say this-  I have never felt attracted to a woman they way I am to Melinda.  She's just amazing, she's a best friend, confidant, snuggler, partner in crime, sadist, and then some.  There are things that I want to do with her, that my Sir isn't comfortable with, and for that reason, it hasn't been nor will it happen unless He is okay with it.  Melinda and I are very close, as it was put the other night  she is "emotionally invested." I trust her, with the most inportant thing to us, to my Sir... I trust her with me.   She's proven on several occasions that I can, 

We had a conversation two nights ago, about what may or may not change when my Sir gets home.  He's said often that he does not like to share, and has no intentions of sharing me with anyone.  At the same time I don't want to get stuck between two dominant personalities.  We both understand that my Sir comes first, and always will, but the concern that my Sir may feel threatened and not want me to see her any more is still valid.  Melinda is poly, my Sir and I are not.  we're, as she put it, "semi-monogamous."  I have rules and restrictions as far as what I can and cannot do.  I respect that, and She respects our relationship as well. 

When my Sir gets home I don't want to have to stop seeing Melinda, I want to be able to still hang out with her and play with her. I am hoping that once my Sir has met Her, he will share me a little bit, a teensy bit with Melinda.  It has been said and agreed to that if he says that we have to stop seeing each other then we will...

I can't figure out how to get it from my head through my fingers and coherently into my journal so that my Sir will understand it when he reads it.  That how I feel about Melinda does not conflict how I feel about my Sir. That no matter how I feel about her, it is not going to change how badly I want him home, and to be back in his arms.  Despite the fact that I find solace and comfort snuggled in her arms does not take away from how strongly I need my Sir.   

Soon my Sir will be home and he will see that my words are true...

♥Always♥
Your wench

It rained alot today, that cold kind of rain that makes a perfect day to snuggle under the blankets, snuggle, , curl up with some hot cocoa and relax.  I spent a fairly good amount of time with my blanket in the chair this morning.  I wasn't about to lugg my laundry out into the rain to go get it cleaned so its all together to go do it tomorrow. 

my Sir called this afternoon, it was right around noon.  He had some things to do today, and it seems he went to bed pretty early.  He had a rought day again, it worries me a little but I know that together he and I can get through all of this.

And now my bad news...

I got a letter in the mail, Maxx turned me down for a job.  *sighs* damn.  I did call the other job I applied for, and the manager said he didn't need to bring me in for another interview, but appreciated that I did call him this week.  He said he would be calling next week *fingers crossed* I am trying to stay positive but the lady who moved int A building with the blind dog was jobless for a bit, and she's having the same trouble I did, subway, dunkin and cumby's none of them willing to hire.  

One day at a time- but I have to be thankful that I have my Sir, to take care of me.  It means I need to focus on taking care of him when he gets home.  I can't wait until he is home...

I am going out for dinner tonight with Bitey, Ben and Freaky.  Ben's parent's have been up in arms about them having been eloped.  So they wanted to meet up with us for some "cheap drinks".  Freaky and I are heading up for some dinenr before then.  Tonight is my one night out this week. 

I did get everything together for the bridal shower on saturday- even the fingersandwich I need to make.  I'm going to make some pumpernickle bread with a little bit of mustard, proscuitto, baby spinach and a little bit of parmesan.   Hopefully it will come out pretty good, I'm going to test it tomorrow.

I love you my Sir, and I miss you so much.  But its november and you'll be home soon enough. 

♥Always♥
Your wench

Wednesday...

Last night I stayed up a little bit late to finish the book I'm not allowed to talk about.  So I can't, so pretend that the next blank space is filled in with information about how much I enjoyed the book...







I got a few errands done, bought groceries, did a little bit of cleaning, and then tonight had dinner and hung out with Freaky at the house.  Its been a good few days actually, getting to talk with my Sir despite his internet card being gone.  I think its mostly becuase I know that its November and that my Sir will be home soon. 

What can I say, I'm a bit narrow visioned at the moment.

♥Always♥
Your wench

Bookworm

Today has been relatively low key, I've been trying to keep myself balanced. I've spent the majority of the day reading a book, that I'm nto allowed to talk about so I won't.....


So I'm keeping this short, cause I'm talking with my Sir...

♥Always♥
Your wench

Monday, Monday...

Today has been a really good day.  I feel a little like I should recap the weekend, but I'm not sure which to do first. 

Saturday was the wedding day- Freaky and I went up early, and got  ready calmly, slowly, and RELAXED.  we took our time, waiting for The wedding couple to arrive so that we could do hair/make-up/ set up and other stuff.  There some minor snags in the plan and it took a while before the couple arrived but they did, and they were STRESSED.  We wanted to have time to celebrate Freaky's birthday (that was friday) before all the wedding chaos really began.  I lay back on the table and I was given 13 needles on each side and one between my breasts.  For laughs I was "frosted" as the cake, comeplete with sprinkles.  In the needles, we added 12 candles for her birthday.  A group had gathered to watch and they dang happy birthday to her.  I did learn one thing- birthday candle wax is HOT as FUCK. 

Then it came time for the wedding.  As of that evening I was the leaf girl.  I was dropping leaves on the red carpet from my corset.  It was fun, and then suddenly the wedding/collaring was over and the stress melted... suddenly relaxation eased its way in, and we all went home with no breakfast. 

Sunday came with alot of mixed emotions, things did not go as planned, and I was not set in a good mood for a while.  things did get better before my Sir had to go.  That evening ( late afternoon) Freaky and her footstool came over.  We watched some TV, relaxed, and they helped keep me company.  It was very low key and laid back.  We talked a little bit but not about too much.  Freaky spent the night, because my eyes kinda hurt last night, so she stayed over and I would drive her back in the morning.  One of the things that Freaky and I talked about was that I take things way too close to heart, and that I need to thicken my skin a bit, and be able to handle my Sir's disappointment without getting that upset.   That has been something I have been trying to think about, but today was a bit busy.

I was supposed to meet up with someone for a tutoring session this morning, but after I woke up at 7, I got a call asking to meet later.  So instead I made pancakes for breakfast and watched Golden girls with Freaky.  It was a good little trip.  I brought Freaky back to her car, and she headed off to work and I went to see my mother since I was up that way to see how she was.  Mom is more... "mom" than ever, its just getting worse.  I really wonder how neurotic I might be, from the outside looking in.  *hides* gah, not going there.  Then I had a 2.5 hour tutoring session.  My only concern is that she met with me today for a test tomorrow.  And it was all cramming... I hope she does well.  She just needs more time to play with the formulas know how to work with them, etc.  *crosses my fingers*

Then it was time to go get my Sir's new Bronco.  I have a signed payment agreement/ contract for the vehicle.  The best part- it is sitting in the parking lot waiting for him to get home. :-) Then I ran to the store to grab a few items I needed from the store until I could get to the base store tomorrow. 

my Sir said yesterday not to worry about the money.  Rather I think he meant for me not to STRESS about the money.  I do still need to worry so that I am not needlessly spending, or not taking care of what needs to be done.  I think thats something that my Sir can agree is necessary without me overdoing it.  At least I hope so. 

The new book came in, and I've had a problem with putting it down >.< Its really good, At least if I have it read before he gets home then he has all the time he wants to read it without me pestering him to find out when he's done.

Speaking of the book...

♥Always♥
Your wench

Today has been a pretty big day.  I had an intereview for a job today, and it didn't go well, for the sole reason that the job I applied for could give me 25 hours one week and 5 the next.  Not exactly cool, and the pay is only 8.25 an hour.  making $40 a week is totally not what I am looking for.  At all.

The other big thing I did today was i think I found the perfect bronco for my Sir.  Its in pretty good shape, the wheel wells are a little rusty, and the tailgate too, but it is in good condition.   A bunch of stuff was  jsut redone, but the glass on the front of the truck needs to be replaced There is a crack in the windshield.  And there are a few comsetic things, and the passegner side door doesn't open from the outside, and the window doesn't roll down.  Oh and the leaf spring, but its really a nice car. 

And the best part is that the guy said he would take a deposit and write up something an agreement for the deposit and the truck.  I'm pretty excited about it.  I think I might have the car I promised for my Sir.  It runs, and its the bronco that he wanted.  I will be totally excited if I can make this happen.  I just need to have someone come with me on sunday, someone who knows about trucks and stuff, and give it a test drive.  I'm reallly really excited. 


The other thing I thought about today, was how much I like dressing up for my Sir, looking pretty, dressing in something I normally wouldn't.  Like the day years ago that I waited for him in the hallway all in leather and those sky high boots... The camisk and kirtle I've made to wear just for my Sir.  I enjoy wearing my corsets  becuase I know how much pleasure he gets from seeing me in them.  

To me there was nothing more erotic, more pleasureable more exciting to me than when I was able to... show off on webcam for Him.  I want that feeling I enjoy that feeling deep down inside of me, and everytime I think about it I can't wait for the next time.

I love my Sir, and nothing is going to stop me from pleasing him when he comes home.  Even if that means sitting in a corner with a book for four hours. 


♥Always♥
Your wench

A little concerned...

The last few days have me a bit on the worried side.  My Sir has been overly stressed and anxious.  I can't forget exhausted, extremely exhausted.  But there is something in the back of my head ringing a tiny little bell going, it feels like something else is bothering him. 

I have been doing my best to not think of any and all different reasons that it could be that is not right.  I am trying to keep myself from worrying, because I don't want to freak myself out.  I am not going to worry about something that is out of my control.  He's upset, and as far as I know there isn't much that I can do about it right now. 

My Sir and I need to just get through the next week or two and then see where things go, I really don't want things to get out of hand.  I just want my Sir home, and in his chair so that I can sit at his feet.  Soon, and that is all I have to focus on.  My Sir is coming home, to me, to us....


♥Always♥
your wench

more thoughts from tuesday

I was just going to write about this later, but since I'm a bit peeved at the dog now for having another accident on the bed as I was putting on a shirt to take him outside...

Thats besides the point.  What I didn't write about earlier was this morning.  It was my friends father's funeral.  Typically I don't do well at funerals I turn into a blubbering mess and its jsut not pretty at all.  I was sitting in one of the back rows, alone, but I had my Sir's dogtags in my pocket.  Today's service didn't bother me as much as they usually do.

It was a beautiful service, and it was VERY muscally oriented.  Live trumpet playing- a Gospel rock band.  Aside from the fact that I got to sick and these were HEAVILY enriched tunes that usually make my face turn green, I was just enjoying the songs, getting to sing and finding the harmonies.  The service focused on her father's love- for his family, for his music, and for his beliefs. 

Then the pastor had his many chances to open his mouth... There are free bibles when you leave, you can take one as long as you promise to read it.  We should all strive to be like her father and live the way of God.  And my best part was the 10 minutes of, why you should be a Christian and the prayer that followed to rededicate yourself to God if you so felt the urge. 

I then went to the cemetary and that is where I finally met up with my friend and her fiance's parents.  Her fiance is overseas with my Husband.  The first words out of his fathers mouth are," We are comforted by the Lord God aren't we?"  Its very difficult for me, but I nodded my head and agreed with him.  The majority of the talk later that day also wa mostly about God, and religion.  I felt that at a funeral service was not the time to reassert myself as a non-christian. 

What I was not expecting was his parents to turn to me andask if my Sir has told me any of the stories that Nate has told them, and what I've heard.  As of this afternoon I know of ( in the words of Achmed the dead terrorist) a premature detonation, body clean up, and one more I am not desiring to mention for obvious reasons.   I am not overly upset that I ahve heard about them.  The situation is terrible right now, but at some point I do want to know what has happened.  Though I will feel much better hearing them when he is on US soil again...

One day at a time, I just want my Sir home so that we can just be together and work things out together again.   I love my Sir...

♥Always♥
Your wench

Breakthrough!

My luck may finally be changing!  I have in the process of setting up a time to meet with someone to be their Math tutor! IT will be part time hours I know, but It will be $15 an hour.  *crosses fingers* Here's hoping that this is the small break I need to get my flow back.

Speaking of getting things back, I have a confession to make. 

For the last two weeks and a little bit I've not been taking my zoloft like I am supposed to.  Part of my issues with sleeping during the last week or so have been because I'm "phasing down" without the seratonin in my body.  But instead of getting uber depressed like I used to and get all mopey- Now I just getting tired, and my body is calling sleepy time. 

I got called on it last night, and with the extra stress that I am feeling it is even more necessary for me to not skip in it.  So I am no longer going to slack on taking my pill.  I am going to make sure that I am taking care of myself in all ways, even if I think that I am fine without them.  The truth is that I am not yet.  I still need them, at least until I am properly weaned from them. 

Yes I did something stupid- but I am fixing it. 

I love you my Sir, and I think you will be online soon.  I'm hoping that maybe tonight you will be in a better mood. I love you and I hate seeing you upset.

♥Always♥
Your wench

Mixed up Monday

Today has been exactly that.  I've been very mixed up.

The last two days have left me feeling like I'm standing in a whirlwind.  I know that the majority of what is going on now is a combination of the stress that my Sir has over there, and the stress of coming home, in addition to what is actually going on over there. 

I sought out some advice from Vonn yesterday, becuase I was utterly at a loss.  My Sir's concern was if he needed letters of reccommendation for the application.  He was irritated because I had left the application in the car.  I was able to answer his question, which is what I thought was the importnat piece, what he wanted.  But yet He was upset with me becuase I didn't have it in the house, and I really couldn't figure out where the hell I had messed up.  When I spoke with Vonn, it was her guess that I should have been more anticipatory and had it in the house.  

I can't say I've ever been overly anticipatory in that form, and I am still a bit confused.  I hadn't brought the application in becuase I had a few bags to grab and I didn't want to mangle it, so I left it on the back seat.  I hadn't realized that it would be that large of an issue that I didn't bring it in. To an extent I still don't understand it, but its the anticipatory thing that has me more than a little thoughtful.  What exactly amd I supposed to be anticipating, I still have a fair amount of time to get things done.  Does my Sir want to micromanage me quite that detailed?

Or is it more of a control issue- what has him feeling so out of control that suddenly he's bearing down on me so hard? What is the external factor that is going on? Or does He believe that I am getting better and is trying to puch my boundaries and expects more of me?  There are many questions and not all of them can be answered right now. 

The other thing that has me a bit out of sorts is the money issues.  I nickle and dime alot, I have no excuse, looking back I did spend alot of money.  Not all of it was frivolous we have alot fo back debt taken care of that isn't going to follow us anymore.  The most important thing to me is that when he gets home he has time to relax and readjust.  I know that we can, I am not sure if he believes it just yet, but I can only hope. 

I know that he is upset with himself- we wouldn't be in this mess if he had stuck with his original plan.  I can't stop him from being upset with himself as much as He can tell me to turn off that switch.  At the same time had that happened- when I lost my job, I would have been up a creek without a paddle. I don't think he would have wanted that either. 

Since my Sir came home I have felt an insane amount more "normal" more like myself, I'm me again. If you aske me what was going on with me a year agao, the only thing I could tell you is that we were getting things back together, and He was getting ready to leave.  I was still hidden hiding and an empty shell of anyone.  I could say the same for the majority of my Sir's deployment save when I got to see him in February, and conversations here and there. 

 Its only gotten better since I have starting going out and getting involved more.  I broke through the shell that was there, I am feeling so much stronger in myself and in us.  What I hadn't realized was that part of me going out and being more involved was that I was nickle and diming left and right and I wasn't noticing it. 

In the last week, I have done what I can to knock it back several notches.  I don't have to spend money to go out and have a good time with my friends.I've gotten into the habit of " wine and needle Sunday's" WE have a potluck dinner and relax and have a good time.  There is nothing else needed and its for all intents a cheap event.  It is something that I want to continue. 

I know that my Sir and I can live, not survive without him having to go back to work.  Something has to finally give, I have to get a job, something has to break and someone has to be willing to hire me.  I'm SO fucking tired of not getting a call, after an interview, or anything... *sighs* But I can't get down on myself I have bigger things to worry about.  My Sir.

I feel alive again, its been far too long since I have.  I've been hidden for too long, self hermiting.  Things have gotten better and I refuse to go backwards. I refuse to slide back down a hill becuase there's some trouble heading our way.  I am going to stay strong, I am going to be myself and I am GOING to be here with my Husband, my Sir, to support him, and us. We are going to make it through this, and we're going to do it together.

At the end of this journal I don't feel as mixed up anymore.  Yes I have questions, but I know that I feel much more solid and secure. Maybe a little tipsy, but I willbe just fine.  my Sir will be fine, we will be fine.  Its another bump along our road together.  We will get there, together and stronger.

I love you my Sir

Speechless

Weekend recap-

Saturday, I got alot of errands done, and things I need to finish and loose ends I need to secure for several projects I wanted to complete by when my Sir gets home.  I then spent the afternoon getting ready to go out to the Space for the night.  When I went to the space last night, there was a class on Edge play and knife play.  

My notes from the class are as follows-

A Mind fuck is just the presnce and manipulation of mind states and altered mind states.  One takes assumptions of what is considered normal and stretches, changes and manipulates what is percived to a new state of mind.  You can use tools of control, assumed responsibilities, ownership and daily routine. 

Participating in Mind fucks, or creating them requires a certain awareness of your partner, their triggers, states and emotional pools.  It can help develop and strengthen trust.  "The word fucking makes EVERYTHING better"

Knives, and blade play and such is a matter of motion control balance and symbiance. 

I had a wonderful time at that point after- relaxing, watching someone pop their needle cherry, and their suspension cherry, and I just hung out with people.  Freaky and I did some light playing, becuase it is important to me and my Sir that I remain unmarked until he gets back home.   Dinner at Denny's went much smoother last night too.


However when you come to today...

This morning down right sucked camel spiders. I don't know what the hell the sudden problem is, if it is something going on over there, or what the issue is itself.  I don't even know what to say.  I've been left extremely confused for the majority of the day, but did make sure not to be "mopey."  It is however 1045, and I have yet to play, not for any other reason than we've been relaxed and laid back for the majority of the day, and Footstool came over, so Freaky was having fun with him. 

I know that things are crazy over there and you still have a job to do, and I am not trying to impede that.  Its just really difficult to know what is going on in your head with this distance between us.  I cannot read your mind, as much as I would love to right now.  I ask questions, and I get answer and for some reason there seems to be some sort of confusion between what is being said. 

I really have no clue what to do.  I need direction, and I know that with where you are at, you have bigger things to worry about than me.  I want you to come home to me, and in one piece too.   I have found friendship, guidance, fun, and compainionship in Freaky and Audra and Ben.  It is something that I cannot replace with anyone, nor can it replace anything that I already have.  

It is hard on me because given my past in our relationship I am concerned with making sure that I don't fuck up.  I am extremely caustious, and trying to relax and enjoy myself.  Every and anytime that I do anything occurs- Its not jsut me, and its not just me playing with Freaky- (I do NOT play with anyone and everyone, I am extremely selective with whom I give out my trust, and your trust with me.  And Freaky is the only one that has it.) To me, its us.  You may not be there, but for me you are there. 

No matter when you get back, or when I am "no longer playing" or anything, I am still going to be hungry and eager for you.  It doesn't matter to me.  I should say that I don't think how your desire for me to stop playing and have  me eager for you didn't come across.  They way I saw it was that you didn't want me getting brusied.  " you were going to say something and I had to listen." It came across to me as more of a I don't know her, I don't want her brusing you, you're mine. So stop"  That would be why I asked if I could play and not get bruised. 

I've felt amazingly more like me since I've come out of my shell and back into the "scene." That was why I asked if I could still play as long as I didn't get bruised.  You nodded in the IM I thought that you meant I could still play without being bruised.  That would be why I asked, because I was trying to clarify.  That was why I was so upset when you were irritated with me.  

There is one thing that you should now.  You said... "Wayne (10/24/2010 2:33:49 PM): Did it ever occur to you that I wanted you to stop so that maybe you would be more suceptible?   That you would be sensitve?  That I wanted you needy?"  No, it didn't thats not how you presented it.  On occasion I need to be slapped with something upside the head like that.  I can't read your mind.  Had you been totally blunt and said," I don't want you playing anymore, becuase I want you to simmer until I get home."  I would have been boiling... near instantly.  That would have lit a fire that you couldn't believe.  That is the sort of thing I need to hear more often- otherwise I don't know whats going on in your head, or what you're thinking.  Not knowing what you are thinking just makes things so much harder on me. 


Alright- I am sure that not much of this makes sense, and I am hoping that nothing has come out wrong, but please talk to me about it.  Please... I do however need to get going, I have company over and I don't want to be rude for too long.

I love you my Sir. 


♥Always♥
Your wench

Late night thoughts...

I couldn't sleep... and something told me to pull out one of the books I read years ago.  I was skimming through the note I took in the margins, and these few things stood out at me.

Wasted Time is Wasted Passion-- a grateful slave

Stumbling is not a bad thing becuase it teaches where improvement is needed...They are uselful for both Masters and slaves becuase they reveal our weaknesses and can help us grow... Our "failures" define our growing edge. -- a grateful slave

There are several notes I made in the margins that also follow this same venue, but I'd have to put in what sparked it, and my htoughts, and too convoluted for this late at night. 


♥Always♥
Your wench

Its late...

My journal entry for today is late, I've been talking with my Sir for the last few hours, and jogging down memory lane for about an nother more than that.

I'm not supposed to be counting but I am at roughly three weeks until my Sir comes home.  I hadn't realized it earlier when it was said, and I'll be entirely honest I wasn't quite myself.   One of the top five things that my Sir wants when he gets home is time with me.  And so do I.  We've wasted alot of time.  No one is perfect everyone has their ups and downs, but what matters is that at the end of the day or the rough patch we are still together.

I want time with him too.  I want time with my Sir, to get things back to where they should be.  I want to know what turns him on, what makes him tick, what he thinks about and all that stuff.  Its not something easy to go over, and start to process through given the distance that is now between us. 

But in three weeks... It won't be.  I can sit at his feet and ask him a million questions, and squirm like the slut I am on one hand, or giggle and fight off his tickling advances.  I just want him home.  In one instance I want to be able to jsut sit at his feet, and enjoy a quiet supper, and watch a movie or just talk.  In another I would like to be tied up and given no quarter of movement.  I want to be teased, tortured and used like there is no other woman in the word for him- becuase I know there isn't.  And yet at the same time I want to ask him a million questions about everything that I may have lost out on learning becuase of the last few years.

The bottom line and the truth of the matter is that I just want Him.  All of him, in any and every form that I can get him, and having to wait another three weeks is while in one hand torturous and painful, its also a drop in the bucket and the final blissful weeks until I am in his arms again.


I want my Sir back damnit... I've waited long enough, the Military jsut needs to give him back already.

♥Always♥
Your wench

His is Master and I am slave. 
He is Owner and I am owned.
He commands and I obey.
He is to be pleased, and I am to be pleasing.

Why is this?
Becuase He is Master and I am His


I know Its been a rocky road for so long, But I want nothing more than to be better for you, for us...
I love you my Sir, we;ve been apart for too long, and finally we'll be back together.

Major suckage...

Today has just sucked...

I mean alot...

I woke up this morning exhausted as all hell.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  My alarm went off the first time at 10, and asI looked over at my computer-- my Sir logged out.  So I hit the snooze button a few times and figured by tthe time I got up, he's be back. 

I was wrong, so I rolled over, grumpy and fell back to sleep.  I woke up at noon, and looked a bit too fast at the clock and swore it said 130.  Thankfully I was wrong, and it was only noon.  I needed to get to walmart to get cyn a collar and grab a few things that I had wanted to pick up- I figured one trip was easiest.  So I called Tiff so that should could come with me  to help keep the puppy and kitty from each other.  It could have been dangerous.  Well she wasn't ready, and was still getting ready, and I was late for their vet appointment. 

$560 later- the reason why trio has such issues is becuase he's allergic to the fleas, and the more he scratches himself the worse it gets, and his skin was infected.  So the puppy is on an antibiotic and a steroid to help get eveything under control.  The Cat has the same problem- my parents took such wonderful care of her.  So now she too got an antibiotic and steroid shot, but trio has to take his every day for two weeks.    They both got their shots and are all caught up.

I brought them home and looked at the list I had compiled of things I had wanted to accomplish today.  One of these things was a little bit of the laundry that I still had to finish.  Tiffant needed to get her laundry too, so no worries I could take her with me.  The blessing to this, is we stop tiffany needs something to eat- alright.  She wants to make herself a full on MEAL.  And she has to clean her kitchen, AND sort out her laundry.  So while I'm trying to tell her she needs to hurry up, shes busy chatting with Josh.  *eyerolls*

At the same time im getting phone calls from Jessica- she's busy and needs me to do her a favor and pick up my sister from work.   I told her I wasn't going to have time I had errands and things to do, that I couldn't do it.  Go to do laundry- the machines are packed... someone literrally had every large dryer and 95% of the medium sized ones.  Laundry took alot longer today than it usually does.

Now I'm starving, haven't really eaten at all today, when i get a call from Jessica for the thrid time.  She really needs me to go pick up my other sister. so I said fine, whatever, I'll get her, but I have shit I have to do, I'm not sure when I will get there.  Tiffany says not to worry about bringing her home- so I went left her and to go getmy sister.  twenty minute delay there while everyone is chatting about how mom and dad are moving... and then my aunt says," Well you need to do what your mother says she's your mother." I wanted to lay into her, but felt it was jsut best that I finished my day.

So I came, home, dropped off the laundry walked the puppy and then went to bring her home.  And then I get a text from my father, he wants me to pick up some liquor for him.  Great, at this point im jsut irritated, hungry and starting to get annoyed as fuck.  I bring my sister home, and my dad's not there, so I'm waiting so that I can get my money back for the alcohol.  so I'm waitintg around, he shows up= he doens't have any cash... my mother didn't want to tell me that she had money upstairs.   She asked why I was waiting, and I told her, I have a party to go to on saturday- I need the cash to get into the party.  So I ended up getting my money back. 

I'll be honest  I like their new place.  I want us to find a place like that. 

And then my sisters start to argue about the Allie- Jessica's cat becuase she has fleas.  Long story short- my mother starts screaming at my sister with the fire in her eyes that shes going to put her through a wall becuase she questioned Jessica.  I swear it looked like She was going to kill her, there was no need for that amount of anger to be in her face over what had been said.  So I didn't even bother really saying goodbye-  I said," on that note, I'm out, have a good night" and left unceremoniously...  my father followed me out to move the SUv, but I wasn't really paying attention, I may have sped away a bit fast.  Oh fucking well...


I feel like today has become a total wash.  It's  like what I had wanted to accomplish jsut totally backfired, and I have no energy to even attempt to turn it around this late at night.  I really jsut want to curl up on the floor at my Sir's feet and veg before I say something to my family I'm going to regret- but at this time, I really don't fucking care. 

I'm going to go kneel for a bit, and if I'm lucky...  I might calm down....

♥Always♥
your wench

Trust

Trust is a core value to any relationship- Vanilla or any other flavor. 

By definition trust is-
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

Notice that the  main words in both definitions is confidence.  Confidence is one of the biggest things that I have had an immense amount of trouble with over hte last approximately oh 25 years of my life.  Give or take a few, there have been very few times that I have been able to quiet the little voice of doubt in the back of my head.  Its been a huge part of who I was, there  was always something int he back of my head telling me that I was going to fuck something up, or that it wasn't what I believed it was. 
 
Confidence was not something I had alot of.  But over the last I'll say 10 yesrs it has been something that I have steadily been working on.  Sometimes its 3 steps forward tw steps back, or a step forward, 3 back, but I was always struggling with it.  
 
I tested my confidence this past weekend, and I made a breakthrough.  For me it was huge, and I'm going to continue to push myself because I can, and I will. This was just the beginning of my breakthroughs.  I was sitting at dinner last night with Freaky, sitting across the table while we ate thinking about how things are going to be different when my Sir gets home.  And I began to think about several things.
 
I lacked confidence in myself, it also meant that I didn't trust myself, at all.  I've made my fair share of mistakes.  The biggest one of all occured during the last delpoyment.  The fact that I had been drinking was no excuse.  I was getting attention from and ended up kissing a guy from the bar. It was something that I wasn't going to hide, and when my Sir came home I told him.  There were times over the coming months that I had felt put aside, and I still didn't trust myself. 
 
During the next few years there were mistakes and glitches made on both sides, I was seeking attention that I was getting, and feeling pushed away.  I can't begin to attempt to  say that I know what was going through his mind but I do know that there were times that He didn't feel that I was much of his submissive any longer.  It happens, my husband and I had a very rough road.  But at the core of all the issues was my insecurity, my lack of confidence and lack of trust.  At the time I was finding reasons for me to rationalize that it wasn't that I didn't trust myself, that it was with him. 
 
My biggest breakthrough is that I have realized that after all this time, I had never truly forgiven myself for what I had done, I was lacking the confidence inmyself to really be able to move on, and trust myself again.  Without having confidence in myself I was looking for any reason to see where the fault could be and when/where things were going to go wrong. I had no confidence in myself and loosing confidence in other places, and in my Sir.
 
That is all changed, I am more confident in myself now, I've tested myself and found myself worthy.  I've also seen that I can trust myself again.  I don't have to worry about how things are going to go or where and when they are going to break down.  I know and I am confident that I can not only trust myself but that I can also trust my relationship, my Owner and my Sir. I have no need to be the insecure person I was before.
 
 
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832), Faust

I did it

A friend of mine has a quote on her myspace, that is totally evding me at the moment, but the quote is something to the effect of:


He took her to the edge, he told her to fly. She said she was scared, He pushed her and she flew...

I probably butchered that but I swear I did it with the best of intentions.

I've been brought to the same edge over and over. I've brought myself there, my Sir has brought me there, friends have tried to take me there but everytime it happened, I found some way around, avoided, or managed to escape.

I was determined that this time when I got to the edge I wasn't going to back away, I was going jump. It wasn't the easiest getting to the edge, oftentimes I can talk a big game and get myself there, and then I turn around at the last second. This time I walked to the edge, with my friends, and those that I have only recently met, standing behind me, supporting me as I made my way closer.

I had been given a push earlier, but it would still be up to me to actually jump. I had been pushed but I had an out. "Talk to me after you do it, then I might be proud." At first I had been upset- did he not believe me? why not... oh wait I've been here before and found a way out of it.

Not this time.

I arrived at the edge, anxious... a huge crowd nearby watching. More importantly, I had people there watching, waiting to see me jump, ready to jump after me if I started to fall sideways. Even more, there was a direct path, behind me, the door was being left blatantly open this time. I could easily just turn around and walk away.
Before when I was standing in front of myself to stop myself from going over the edge, from jumping. This time I was staring at myself blocking the direct path. I was giving myself no other option. I was jumping.



 I went to the Edge...


             I took a deep breath...


                              I took a flying leap over the edge....



                                                     I FLEW!

I have tested my confidence, and I have found myself in more control than I thought. I can go topless at a party filled with an insane amount of people. I can stand topless near three twigs in latex, and I'm comfortable. I am me, and I did it. And I'll do it again too :-)

I want to thank all of my friends who supported me through it.

*Bitey and Ben for encouraging me.
*Jacque for calling me C'est Magnifique!
*Bitter for walking past and givng me that grin of YAAAAAAY
*The random people at the dungeon that smiled, glanced or looked my way.
*My Sir for calling me on my shit, and making me realize how easily I try to slip away.
*Freaky for leaving the potential exit blatantly lit and exposed, and at the same time waiting there for me when I jumped.

Weekend o fun

Time recap this weekend-

Friday- I spent the night at home, working on a flogger for my Sir.  It came out pretty cool.  Stayed up late having some heart to heart discussion with my Sir.  I am still floored at how far our communication has come, even on the less than easy topics to talk about.  My insecurity and such being one of them.

Saturday-  So I got permission to skip the conference stuff in the morning- was totally worth skipping it.  I spent the morning relaxing and chatting some more with my Sir.  Then It was time to go get Freaky to head up for the afternoon classes at the GRUE.  We got halfway to hartford, when "Shit the stromboli are still in my car!" Back to Freaky's car to grab the foods.  Then, by the time we got to the space.. The Grue was over, and they were closing the space for the three hours between classes and the party.  This was not posted anywhere we had looked, so suddenly-- What the hell are we going to do for three hours.

We are women- we went shopping.  Freaky and I went tot he buckland mall and wandered around, tried on clothes, and shoes, and made fun of the ridiculousness inside spencers.  It was a good time.  Then it was time to head back to the space.  We got there at quarter of, and went in to get changed.  I wore a black shirt/dress thing, with fishnets, leg warmers and a cheap pair of heels.  I looked hot.  I also had some red ribbon, and a red flower in my hair, Freaky did my make up, it was a good time  And I was feeling insanely confident. 

Then it was time for the first walk down the middle of the dungeon.  I was a little iffy at first, becuase there were alot of people around.  However what happened next was not expected.  The space was PACKED, ridiculously.  Trying to make it to the kitchen to grab a drink, and I had to avoid a woman spinning while suspended, a pair of floggers, and a violet wand.  By the time I got back to the front room to bring back soda and check on my hair- I had to avoid the woman suspended with a fucking machine.  *whistles* Odd. 

The space was packed for the majority of the night.  We found a space in the back of the space, in the cafe and relaxed on the couch and hung out.  Bitey found a new way to recycle- 2 liter soda bottles as percussive instruments on ben's ass.  It was quite fun.  We were walking about, avoiding all of the suspensions and other stuff going on, and got distracted by some fire cupping going on.  O.O  I want to try fire play- but I'm not sure about cupping yet.  It was intriguing to see how the skin gets pulled into the cups and the suction, but thats something to try out... not yet though, we can save that for later.

It was after midnight that the crowd finally started to dwindle and the chain web was free, so we commandeered the entire corner by the web.  We had some issues with someone else playing on the web in latex, so due to allergies we had to wait until they were done- So I got all tied up in a chest harness- all comfy and tight while we waited. \

 And I did it too... I went topless YAAAAAY me. Score one for my confidence.  I was quite proud of myself.  Still am and will be for a while.  Its a whole new feeling.  "JAck" Told me that my breasts were "C'est Magnifique" I have fresnch breasts.  It made me giggle.  It still makes me giggle.  It was also one of those nights where instead of like the casino I was focusing on those that were looking at me in a negative light, I was focusing on those that were paying attention to me.  And Sir, you were right, people do enjoy it, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't think I will be standing in my way anymore.

When the web was finally ready, I was strung up- the rope from the harness was used to attach me to the hian web.  :D it was awesome.  We had a good time, I hadn't realized how much fun it could be to play in public, especially when you are confident and not hiding from anything.  It was quite a freeing experience.  If that makes sense.  I will leave the details to share with you later if you would like.   But here is some pictures for you:

Then we went to denny's for after party eats, I was pretty hungry. That was  big mistake took an hour for the food to get to us, and then my food was last- not that it was even cooked.  It was terrible.  We are probably never going back.  Ever.  But our entire meal was comped.  Its a trend we aren't happy with- damnit. 

I didn't get home until late, like nearly 6am this morning.  I slept in untiul 2 ish or so, I needed the rest.  I took the pictures this afternoon so that you could see them.

I was kinda miffed at myself becuase I didn't get to see you this morning.  And I had slept too late to see you, so I was fairly certain that I wouldn't see you until later tonight.  When I saw you this afternoon I was excted, I wanted to tell you about what happened and I wanted you to be proud of me for what I did.  It certainly was not expected that you would be in such a bad mood today.  Football pool- lack of sleep-  I was trying to make you sleep and yet all it amanged to do was a whole lot of not much. 

I did however realize this afternoon that just because you are in a bad mood doens't mean that I need to let my mood sink.  I was happy, and I still am.  Yes you aren't happy, but I cannot assume that it is all my fault and that I did something wrong.   I don't need to be unneccesarily down on myself.   We're doing dinner tonight, and hanging out at the house until I can talk to you and then go to legends to do some singing.  Freaky got some new needles so I wants to try them they are a different gauge so im intreigued. 

Time for me to go make some dinner.  I love you my Sir.

♥Always♥
your wench

He is Master and I am slave.
He is Owner and I am owned.
He commands and I am to be obeyed.
He is to be pleased and I am to be pleasing.
Why is this?

Becuase He is my Sir and I am his pierced wench.

Score one for hitting the button early...

Earlier in my journal I mentioned that I was debating on what I was going to do this weekend- push my limits or not.  Well I made my decision-

I am going to do it. 

I am going to go topless at the space.  I'm doing it for me and for us.  To test myself, to see  how much I have grown, to break out of my shell.  I can do it, and the only thing holding me back is myself.  So, I'm going to stop, and I am going to go for it. 

I can do it I know I can. And its time for me to prove it to myself.

Tomorrow I am going to the GRUE- its an impromptu "unconference" Mostly regarding rope and rigging and fun stuffs.  So the chances of me getting suspended... REALLY high.  I'm kinda excited.  Well you are back now, I'll write more tomorrow.

I love you.

♥Always♥
Your wench

A bit on Communictaion-

this bit is DEFINITELY late.

The other day, I saw a difference in the way my Sir and I communicate.  Typically if it has something to do with whats going on over there I don't want to know, becuase he says I don't want the answer to the questions I ask.   I however have come to a poiint where, yeah what I'm going to hear that he is going through is going to suck, alot.  However, I need to know, I can't hide from it and pretend that nothing is going on.  If I am going to understand what my Sir is going through and how I cna help him, I can't be in the dark.  Even small details like " There was an explosion near me" is enough for me to understand enough that I can piece a few other thigns together to help where I can.  It will make it easier for me to help him when he gets home instead of having to say thing slike," So when you said I didn't want to know then, I want to know now." and then he has to go back through everything.

this way- He's given me enough to go on to help him later.  I am hoping that my Sir will continue to be more open with me about what has occured over there.  Its something I need in order to be better for him, and help him with out being too pushy or clingy like last time.  But that also means that my Sir needs to open up to me a bit more, so that I don't feel as isolated.