A little story...

The sun was beginning to peek from between the curtains, as I groggily began to stir in the bed.  I reached over and hit my cell phone and 5:45 flashed over the screen.  I rolled back over with a groan, pulling the blanket up around my shoulders leaving my lower legs uncovered.  It was always more comfortable that way.  Sir would be home in about twenty minutes... long enough for more sleep.

...

The curtains were shut, but I could tell the sun was up as there was a cat tail peeking from under the fabric as she sat in the window.  I stretched out my legs pointing my toes towards the end of the bed and pushed my hands up over my head.  It didn't take long before I noticed that I couldn't pull my arms to the sides to rub my belly.  My wrists had been tied together with enough room that I was able to move in my sleep without hurting myself.  A sleepy,"Sir? Where is you?" echoed out towards the hallway  to find out where he was.

I didn't hear anything at first, and I began to really wake up.  I had slept naked that night in hopes of a little fun, so it was no surprise there.  The blanket had been laid back over me, but in my sleep I mussed it up a bit and it was no just over my stomach.  The sound of the front door closing caught my attention.  He had been out for a cigarette, so I tried again. "Sir... "

I was happily greeted with his signature mischievous smirk.  "Good morning sleepy head. I thought you were going to be awake when I got home." At that point I knew I had slept in longer than I had wanted.  I tried to roll over a bit to get comfortable.  My Sir walked around the bed, kicking off his sneakers and socks before sitting on the bed.

"Well I woke up at quarter to six, but I thought to nap before you got home."

"Oh you thought huh..." That tone, I knew he was going to turn and tickle me.  I just KNEW it was coming.  His sweatshirt was pulled over his head, and he landed on the bed next to me.  His hands began to tickle along my sides and under my arms as I began to squirm and pull."You thought? Maybe you should have stayed up."

It was difficult to form any response other than oh stop stop please stop.  First thing in the morning was not the best time to tickle a pregnant woman.  my Sir gave up quick and laid down next to me wrapping his arms around me.  I nuzzled my head against his chest,"Good morning my Sir."

"Good morning my jingles." What normally would have followed in our morning routine was me waking up, heading to the kitchen, grabbing some breakfast and us talking about the day, and his night.  Instead his hands roamed over my flesh.  I purred gently as his touch, ran over my back, hugging the curve of my hip and the small of my back.  I tugged on the ropes I wanted to touch him too, run my hands against the muscles of his back and shoulders, to savor the feel of him against him.  

"Nope thats not going to happen..." I frowned in response and wrinkled my nose.   "I know what you want this morning but you're not gonna get it." His tone was oddly playful, he was more teasing me than anything.  I had been so good lately, I didn't want to ruin it now by whining.  I am not the best at begging, but I thought I would try again.

"Please Sir? Wouldn't it be a great way to end your day?"  He was still wearing his shorts but he pressed in close to me.  My eyes lit up like a light bulb! "See you do, you do!" I wriggled a little bit hoping just to be playful and not seem to pushy.  

"This is why your hands are tied." That smirk was back as he sat up a bit on the bed and slid himself out of his pants.  My eyes were glued.  The tip of my tongue peeked out from my lips and I leaned up a little pursing my lips. "Nope no kisses for you." His hand began to slide along his length as he chuckled," And don't give me scowly grr face." I huffed a bit, but relaxed my face as I merely watched him enjoy my torment.

His hand slid along my thigh dragging ever so teasingly up towards my wet folds.  How could I not be with the sweet torture I was being put through this morning.  His hand stopped inches from me, as his face opened with surprise, though more of a 'ha, nope... not so easy' kind of look. I whimpered and rolled my hips up towards his hand.  My Sir was enjoying the little show he was getting as he continued to tease and touch between my legs and on my mound back and forth. His fingers barely grazed my lips,"Oh I see we did shave, you really were hoping for some fun this morning."

"Yes Sir..." my voice was ragged as I leaned up once more hoping to gain a kiss on the head of his cock.  "please Sir?" I wanted him, I'd been dying to get close to him all week.  His hips thrust forward just enough that I could press against his flesh.  The temptation of misbehaving and  taking him in my mouth was strong, but I fought back, must be good... must be good.

"Good girl" I could hear him chuckle as I tried to lean up for another kiss but he pulled back, letting his hands continue their work.  Was he REALLY going to tease me like this, and leave me just laying here.  I wasn't concerned about getting off myself.  Yeah it would have been nice, but as I lay there, under his control being toyed and teased without being able to touch him, all I could think of was his release.

Desire brimmed in my eyes as I gazed up at him, "please Sir, will you cum on me?"


 

Sometimes there are moments, and flashes where I see how badly things were going with my Sir a year and a half ago.  How the path we were on was so destructive, and we were heading towards a VERY bad place.   It makes me feel incredibly lucky for where we are now, how much things have changes and how much better they are.   I guess i have moments that I wonder if things could ever turn south again...

And then I remember that we made the conscious decision that we were NOT going to head back that way.  That we were going to stay on THIS path, and going to keep things on the right track.

I love you my Sir, and Thank you.

Routine

I am a person who thrives on routine and control. Things like having a set time that I get up by, a list of things to accomplish for the day, and an obvious goal set before me for a given time period. Since we have moved into the new apartment I have found a rhythm that is working out well for me.

It really starts the night before, I write down a few things that I want to accomplish the following day. It is just three or four things that I want to get done. For example my list for tonight is to take my puppy to the groomer, return some soda cans, and hang some pictures.

I will wake up around 0830, walk the puppy and then have breakfast. The rest of the day depends on when my Sir is awake/sleeping but it contains some arranging, unpacking, cleaning the kitchen, and working on my to do list. No matter what needs to be done, I try to be back at the house around 1730, this way I am home for when he is awake if he slept earlier in the morning. The next few hours are spent getting things done around the house, and getting ready for dinner. We eat dinner somewhere between 1900 and 1930 depending on what is being cooked and who is cooking. The remainder of the evening is for Sir and I to just relax around the house and spend some time together before he has to go to work. Once he leaves, I consider it my free time. I get things organized for the next day, finish up something I wanted done during the day, or I just park it on the couch and do little to nothing. I am normally in bed by midnight, or so which gives me a good amount of sleep.

Being a in routine has helped me drastically, I feel so much more relaxed here with it. I am the kind of person who enjoys having some sense of control over my day, even if its not mine. If Sir gives me a list of things to be accomplished it makes me feel better. I prefer to be macro-managed as opposed to micromanaged. Details, and preferences I'll take it. However, hawking over my shoulder to ensure that I am washing the spoons before the plates gets under my skin. It is just how I am wired.

Suffice it to say that being in the new apartment with my new routine, and managing things here has been great for me. I have many things to work on over the next few days/weeks but I am feeling much more optimistic this evening then I did this afternoon.

~harmony

It's my fucking baby.

I am tired of having my baby called a "parasite." I really don't care if medically speaking thats what it is, I could give two shits less if that was what Dr. House called it on the television. It is my child, my baby, and it is growing inside of me. I've wanted this for years, and for the better part of the last four years, we were starting to feel that there may have been complications and that there was something wrong that needed medical intervention.

While we are speaking on the topic of my child. My parent's joke about how great it will be to have a grandchild- they can spoil the shit out of them, and at the end of the day, they go home. I have no problem with that. Hell I have no problem with that line of thinking, because at the end of the day, they will be loved and cared for.

Someone who refers to children as brats who need to be silenced with duct tape, and their parents as breeders because it is their choice to have children are not welcome or needed in either mine or my child's life. At the end of THAT day, they really don't care for children, and would just be "putting up" with mine.

It is not my decision to make for someone else if they like children or not. I am not going to judge someone because they do not like children. When evidence is brought to light about how someone feels about children, and potential parents- it is difficult to really sit back and be "alright" with the fact that I seem to be the exception to their rule. How much of that is truth? How do they really feel? What are their real opinions on the fact that I am pregnant? Is this person really healthy for me right now? Will they be a healthy addition to those allowed near my child?

If that makes me an "irrational pregnant woman" then so be it. I am, I am having a baby, and I have a responsibility to take care of it.

Now that I have your attention-

It came to my attention last night, that to some people my husband is the and I will quote "The biggest asshole I have ever met and he is a total dick" in regards to the way he treats me.

I will admit,  my husband is an asshole, and I can be a bitch. we kinda work out well that way.  Neither one of us is perfect, and we have to accept each other for who we are.  I married my husband for who he is- the sweet tender side he rarely shows to anyone, and the asshole side.

In the aftermath of this "enlightening" statement I spent a fair amount of time in self reflection and partial self detriment as I usually do.  What my biggest concern and the reason for my tears was whether or not I have been making too many excuses for His behavior because of the deployment and if I really was blind to how he treats me.

I made it home, got changed, and proceeded to let the tears just start flowing.  It last maybe five minutes before he woke up, and checked on me (Imagine waking up to your partner in tears on the other side of the bed).  This prompted a long conversation on how  things have been going and how I was feeling.  This is the side that no one ever sees, or that I don't often discuss because  of his "I'm a soldier I'm not sensitive" thing.

A few things came out in this conversation that I want to have down in my journal.

*The communication between my husband and I is MILES beyond where it has been in the past.  There is so much that I can say, bring up, and explain that I wouldn't have dared to do.  At the same time, I still have work to do- there are times where I will swallow something because of his potential reactions.  This is something I am working on, but its not going to happen over night.

*I do however make excuses for him, and the majority of his behavior.  I blame it all on his deployment, and let it all pass.  I told him about this last night, and I understand that things aren't going to change over night.  He has had two months, and not much has really changed.   I've voiced my concerns that he is hermitting, he is being extremely lazy, and that he is shutting himself off from me- that I can tell who he is from one minute to the next at times.

*I used to be very self destructive.  If something was wrong, or there was a major concern, I used to take it all on me.  It was all my fault, I was fucking things up, and I deserved all the shit that was going on.  I have grown past this, during our conversation last night, I told him that I had been doing a lot of thinking, but for once- I wasn't taking it all on myself.  This wasn't an issue that was all his fault, nor was it all my fault.  Go me :D

He and I have work to do, he's not perfect and he's an asshole.  But he's my asshole I have to deal with him.  He's getting better, in small ways- the little things.  It no longer takes him a day to apologize for his attitude (it took two hours last night).  he is also getting a better understanding of how everything is affecting me, and out relationship.    

Our conversation ended this morning, in the wee hours before we feel asleep on this note.  In roughly six month, our child is going to be born.  We have a lot of work to before he arrives.  I don't expect perfection, or a sudden 180 from who he is.  I am hoping that in the next 6 months, he will see more of his behavior and how this last deployment has changed him, and will work with it.  It does not mean that he is broken, or unfixable, or anything like that.  He's different now and we have to adapt.  Not something I am skilled with but I am willing to work on it as well.

One thing I do expect and near demand from him, is that in the next month he finds someone to talk to.  I know how he feels about doctors and "head shrinkers."  Even if he just reaches out to one of the guys that he went overseas with that is enough for me.

In summary- yes my husbands an asshole, yes  I am a bitch, no- I don't think anyone is perfect.  He is my dick, and I'll deal with him, my way.

the baby!

The first ultrasound of our new baby

We had our first ultrasound just the other day.  I am very excited, we got to see the baby, and watch him for a while.  I was so excited to hear the heartbeat, and watch the baby wiggle and squirm.  It totally looked like the ultrasound was bothering him.  he just wanted to nap.  LOL

Midwife or OB?

 I've been debating this back and forth.  I had all these ideas about what it would be like, and I had no idea how much different it was going to be from my "idealized vision."  I thought I was going to have a doctor that would know me, was familiar with me and would be there when I needed the help.  The doctor that I chose would be there for the birth of my child, and all that stuff.  From what little I have seen at my current OB/GYN office, in comparison to the care that one of my friends had for her birth, and for a woman who's journal I have been following on fetlife.

I don't want to be a number, or just another patient on a doctors huge list at a practice.  I want someone who knows me, knows what I've been going through and will be there every step of the way for me, and with me.  I've done a bit of research tonight, and I want to share what I have found, so that I have it to look back on and so that my Sir can read it as well and see where I am at thought wise.

60-80% of pregnancies are considered "low risk" Midwives are the best equipped for these type of pregnancies.  There are however some midwives that do and can handle multiple births and some riskier pregnancies, but midwives are  educated to spot and notice potential problems or issues to refer them to an OB.  In addition, most midwives practice with an OB and work together.

According to Wikipedia-
A midwife is specialized in low risk pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum.  The goal of a midwife is a healthy, natural birthing experience.  An OB on the other hand is specialized in illness related to childbirth and surgery.  They are complementary- In addition to this fact I did learn that at the local hospital I wish to use there are three Nurse midwives on staff to be with me during my pregnancy for when the doctor is otherwise occupied (aka not there).

Americanpregnancy.org  states that Midwife is a term that refers more to a philosophy of care that offers a wide variety of options with minimal unnecessary interventions.    
     The midwives model of care-

• Monitor physical, psychological,and social wellbeing of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle.
• Provide the mother with individualized education, counseling, and prenatal care, continuous hands on assistance during labor and delivery, and post partum support.
• Minimize technological intervention
• Identify and refer women who require obstetrical attention.

Most midwives carry the following equipment, supplies and medication during home birth: oxygen, bag and mask for neonatal resuscitation, laryngoscope for neonatal resuscitation, IV therapy equipment, basic anti-hemorrhagic medication, suturing supplies (suture and lidocaine), fetoscope and hand-held Doppler, Rescu-Vac and/or DeLee catheter for deep suction of the newborn if necessary (as in the case with passage of meconium), urinary catheters, vitamin K for newborn blood clotting, and erythromycin ointment for newborn infection prophylaxis.


I have looked for a few local midwives that I want to do some research on, and I have the name of the closest midwife group to the hospital that I want to use (barring some unforseen circumstance) who I believe are the midwives that they keep close by.  I also want to tour the hospital sooner rather than later to see if they can shed any light on my decision.  I think that in this moment, I would rather have a midwife and delivery at a hospital, for the more personal attention, and the less " Just another patient" feeling.