I am not immune to dips in my mood, but as of late I've been in a bit of a slump. And today is one of them, but its dipping pretty low and I can't seem to break it. I dislike writing about them becuase it makes me face them, and even worse than having to face them is having to somehow get out of it, when for whatever reason I just want to hide under a blanket or in the closet. And mostly, I don't know what to do to break them. Getting to talk to you, and or seeing emails helps but you can't be here all the time you have a job to do Sir. It helps a little with the new food rule, having to kneel for a bit before I can eat, but its starting to make me miss you when I do. Its both good and bad...
Today just started as one of those days that I didn't want to get out of bed, and not for other reason than This whole no job thing is really starting to weigh me down. I shouldn't say start is has been for a while. And Monday night, after we fond out that my sister graduates from Air Force basic training my mother is pushing for me to go... and I don't know if I can, I need to have a job by then. And who says that any job is going to let me get that time off to go see her. Well I said," Mom If I have a job I can't get the time off." And then my mother in perfect rebutle," What do you mean IF you have a job you've been out of a job for more than a year you aren't going to find one now." Gee thanks mom- lets start with it hasn't been a year ( and I'd like to thank my dad for backing me up when my mother got obstinate about that fact) and finding a job has been difficult for ALOT of people.
Then yesterday I went to go help our friend out with her baby while she cleaned her house to get ready for her sister in law to visit from Califormia. And she did nothing, she spent the entire time on her computer while I kept an eye on the baby," ooh see this house? I don't feel like cleaning right now I can't do anything..." And then when the baby was down for a nap, and I was there, she sat on the computer with a tv show on while I sat twiddling my thumbs like okay... now what am I supposed to do. Talk about being invited to help out and feeling useless.
Useless... maybe thats the word I've been looking for. Maybe thats how I've been feeling becuase I cna't find a job...
I'm lonely... I know I am. And I hate that I am admitting this here, becuase I don't want you to worry Sir. Its not that I'm purposely reclusing myself away from people. I can go out in public and still feel alone... The last two days I've gone out and met up with people and still... I'm in a crowded place and still feel alone. I just can't figure out why... One of the many things I am trying to figure out.
I'm going to go check the basement, and maybe get a load or two of laundry done before it floods too bad. Oh have I mentioned its disgusting out? All gray and rainy and gross... its not helping the mood... at all. And I should get something to eat too... tummy's getting rumbly
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Intimacy
While at the Flea this weekend, I found myself feeling a mix of emotions. My time, for the most part, was enjoyable. I had a good time taking classes and meeting some new people. But I couldn't help but continue to have the crowded room and yet alone feeling. And this time it was often a crowded hallway, in a classroom or at the vendors stations.
It was hard enough that I went into the rope class, by myself and I had to get someone to volunteer to by my ropee so that I could pratice. The second part of the class, when he began to show us differnt things that you could do with ropes, and how to do differnt things and be imaginative the instructor said," Do you see this gentleman over here. He's tying her up, but he's close to her. He's wrapping his arms around her as he moves the ropes. Its bringing them closer together. See this couple over here, there is a distance... They just met. It bring in a greater level of intimacy to the situation." That was only the beginning in that class.
In two of the classes you could see and feel the closeness and the relationship that several couples had, be it in a demo, or in one case, the night prior at the play party he met this woman, and she had only played with him once but you could see and feel even on the outside how well they worked together. There was an ever contrant reminder about how much a relationship relies on the ability to be intimate, and how much the Lifestyle and degress of Dominance and Submission can enhance that.
Wether you are a top or a bottom, or whichever classification you choose for yourself, or which facet of specific combination of BDSM, LEather, Old Guard Japanese Etc... Its all about the relationship you build, and how deep it goes. Even to negotiate some sort of quick scene, (" I've never tried needleplay before, can you show me whats invovled" "That looks intersing I've never seen a toy like that can I see how it feels") You are opening yourself up to a close relationship. You don't forget the first time you tried a violet wand, ( In the middle of a vendor stall at the Boston Summer Flea of '07). It is a difernt level of intimacy than say a deeply involved scene with your Owner that pushes a limit jsut a little further than you have before. Its opening up your vulnerability, exposing yourself and hoping to grow from it. Its trusting someone enough to be responsible for what will happen to you in the consecutive period of time.
And as I sat in the room for the second half of the rope class, with all of these couples tying and beind tied, and experiementing and exhibiting these acts of such closeness, I couldn't help but self reflect as I sat in my chair just watching. How long has it been since I've been bound in rope? How long has it been since we have done anything with similar intent? Something that was him taking me somwhere with him ( not in the literal sense).
Then this morning in the Communication Effectiveness in the M/s Dynamic class, the speaker asked a very resounding question," How do you tell someone you love them? How can your partner tell you that they love you?" It was a pair of questions that I didn't know how to answer. To me it is something more than jsut saying it but showing it to... and I was at a total loss for words and explanations, becuaseI never stopped to think about it from either side. And I was just in total shock.
The whole point of this entry is because I really find that as much as the communication has been an issue for us Sir. I think this has been missing to- A sense of intimacy with each other. I know that I am so often seeming over slutty because I am often asking, begging to be fucked, or taken to bed... but I think I figure out why... becuase it was the only way I felt like we were close in any sense. Even looking back it seemed there was a disconnect. I don't want that anymore... I don't want this huge disconnect between us on any level. Its why for so long we were so fubared and nothing was right and we grew apart.
We're on that path, and i don't want us to break from it, and I'm afraid things are just going to back to how they were. That when you get back, You're going to shut down on me again and recede into whichever point it is this time and that im not going to be enough. Its the same fear I've had for a while. My trip up to see you last week, and the conversation we started to have last night really helped. It needs to stay that way, I need to not revert back either, and I won't. I just need to know that I have something.
I feel like im floating right now... and not in a good way. I'm having a total shit time finding a job, and its part of why I'm so down. I feel as if I can't find a job becuase there is something wrong with me, or my resume or something, and I don't know where to turn. I asked for rules... I've asked for protocols... I asked for a letter before you left. You had time to read all of your books on your new e-reader but you didn't have time to write anything for me. The day you left you said you would write me something and email it to me. Now you have a job to do, and tasks you need to accomplish. I want you to focus there now, and come home safe.
I love you with all my heart...
~me
It was hard enough that I went into the rope class, by myself and I had to get someone to volunteer to by my ropee so that I could pratice. The second part of the class, when he began to show us differnt things that you could do with ropes, and how to do differnt things and be imaginative the instructor said," Do you see this gentleman over here. He's tying her up, but he's close to her. He's wrapping his arms around her as he moves the ropes. Its bringing them closer together. See this couple over here, there is a distance... They just met. It bring in a greater level of intimacy to the situation." That was only the beginning in that class.
In two of the classes you could see and feel the closeness and the relationship that several couples had, be it in a demo, or in one case, the night prior at the play party he met this woman, and she had only played with him once but you could see and feel even on the outside how well they worked together. There was an ever contrant reminder about how much a relationship relies on the ability to be intimate, and how much the Lifestyle and degress of Dominance and Submission can enhance that.
Wether you are a top or a bottom, or whichever classification you choose for yourself, or which facet of specific combination of BDSM, LEather, Old Guard Japanese Etc... Its all about the relationship you build, and how deep it goes. Even to negotiate some sort of quick scene, (" I've never tried needleplay before, can you show me whats invovled" "That looks intersing I've never seen a toy like that can I see how it feels") You are opening yourself up to a close relationship. You don't forget the first time you tried a violet wand, ( In the middle of a vendor stall at the Boston Summer Flea of '07). It is a difernt level of intimacy than say a deeply involved scene with your Owner that pushes a limit jsut a little further than you have before. Its opening up your vulnerability, exposing yourself and hoping to grow from it. Its trusting someone enough to be responsible for what will happen to you in the consecutive period of time.
And as I sat in the room for the second half of the rope class, with all of these couples tying and beind tied, and experiementing and exhibiting these acts of such closeness, I couldn't help but self reflect as I sat in my chair just watching. How long has it been since I've been bound in rope? How long has it been since we have done anything with similar intent? Something that was him taking me somwhere with him ( not in the literal sense).
Then this morning in the Communication Effectiveness in the M/s Dynamic class, the speaker asked a very resounding question," How do you tell someone you love them? How can your partner tell you that they love you?" It was a pair of questions that I didn't know how to answer. To me it is something more than jsut saying it but showing it to... and I was at a total loss for words and explanations, becuaseI never stopped to think about it from either side. And I was just in total shock.
The whole point of this entry is because I really find that as much as the communication has been an issue for us Sir. I think this has been missing to- A sense of intimacy with each other. I know that I am so often seeming over slutty because I am often asking, begging to be fucked, or taken to bed... but I think I figure out why... becuase it was the only way I felt like we were close in any sense. Even looking back it seemed there was a disconnect. I don't want that anymore... I don't want this huge disconnect between us on any level. Its why for so long we were so fubared and nothing was right and we grew apart.
We're on that path, and i don't want us to break from it, and I'm afraid things are just going to back to how they were. That when you get back, You're going to shut down on me again and recede into whichever point it is this time and that im not going to be enough. Its the same fear I've had for a while. My trip up to see you last week, and the conversation we started to have last night really helped. It needs to stay that way, I need to not revert back either, and I won't. I just need to know that I have something.
I feel like im floating right now... and not in a good way. I'm having a total shit time finding a job, and its part of why I'm so down. I feel as if I can't find a job becuase there is something wrong with me, or my resume or something, and I don't know where to turn. I asked for rules... I've asked for protocols... I asked for a letter before you left. You had time to read all of your books on your new e-reader but you didn't have time to write anything for me. The day you left you said you would write me something and email it to me. Now you have a job to do, and tasks you need to accomplish. I want you to focus there now, and come home safe.
I love you with all my heart...
~me
Sunday, February 14, 2010
FFF Day 2
I woke up early this morning, grabbed myself a bit of breakfast and headed out to my first class of the morning with Dr Bob. this class was not only fun and interesting but I learned alot about communication, and forethought, and how to change up differnt wordings. Like Always and never should be replaced with often and seldom... and I have a whole list. After the class I also bought two of his books. One on communication techniques and the second on framing relationships (I'm pretty sure).
The next class up was the "Bottoming Discussion"... I think I stayed for the first 15 minutes of... 'who here is a bottom, who wants to bottom, well I'm a brat so not everything I say is going to applicable, and my Daddy shouldn't have come cuase he's gonna gt embarassed... OH and im on twitter and these guys up front are my twitter fans... * annoying giggle and hair flip here* Instead I went to the puppy play class which was over rather quickly... but what I did see was... intresting but not much as far as educational. I got more out of whatching the demo puppy playing with another puppy on the floor than the nervous speaker.
Then it was time for lunch, a healthy stop at Subway, before the Japanes war fan class. I just have one thing to say... OH MY GOD! One slap of the fan ( which the instructor poignantly called 12 bamboo canes in one) left one hell of a welt. And FAST. It was an intersting lesson to learn that a tessen ( or a steel version of a fan, or fan look a like) could do so much. It saved a Shoguns life, it could prevent an attacker. How did he put it... if a higher ranker samurai was asked to duel by a lower rank, he would often use his fan and not a katana, becuase" Not only did I kick your ass cuase im hot shit, but I kicked your ass with a fan, now how'd you feel?" We learned how to do trickes with a fan, how it can be used in pyschologial play, and how to strike in different ways and cause varying amounts of pain.
All in all I had a great weekend and I am very happy that I went.
Oh and I am also a new memeber of the New England Leather Association. :D
I also learned that the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom along with several other groups and NELA just were advised that as of the DSM-V being kinky no longer "automatically" makes you crazy.
* woot*
The next class up was the "Bottoming Discussion"... I think I stayed for the first 15 minutes of... 'who here is a bottom, who wants to bottom, well I'm a brat so not everything I say is going to applicable, and my Daddy shouldn't have come cuase he's gonna gt embarassed... OH and im on twitter and these guys up front are my twitter fans... * annoying giggle and hair flip here* Instead I went to the puppy play class which was over rather quickly... but what I did see was... intresting but not much as far as educational. I got more out of whatching the demo puppy playing with another puppy on the floor than the nervous speaker.
Then it was time for lunch, a healthy stop at Subway, before the Japanes war fan class. I just have one thing to say... OH MY GOD! One slap of the fan ( which the instructor poignantly called 12 bamboo canes in one) left one hell of a welt. And FAST. It was an intersting lesson to learn that a tessen ( or a steel version of a fan, or fan look a like) could do so much. It saved a Shoguns life, it could prevent an attacker. How did he put it... if a higher ranker samurai was asked to duel by a lower rank, he would often use his fan and not a katana, becuase" Not only did I kick your ass cuase im hot shit, but I kicked your ass with a fan, now how'd you feel?" We learned how to do trickes with a fan, how it can be used in pyschologial play, and how to strike in different ways and cause varying amounts of pain.
All in all I had a great weekend and I am very happy that I went.
Oh and I am also a new memeber of the New England Leather Association. :D
I also learned that the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom along with several other groups and NELA just were advised that as of the DSM-V being kinky no longer "automatically" makes you crazy.
* woot*
FFF Day one
AFter an interesting night with my neighbors, suprise suprise, I ended up not getting here to the NELA Convention until 1pm. I slept in after being woken up at 1am, and not being able to fall back to sleep until the cops showed up and calmed everything down. ( If you really want the story I'll give it).
So I arrive, flash my id, pay the fee, and walk around cause I've got an hour until the first class... I did a little browsing, and found SEVERAL things that I want to buy. PArt of me still wants to go back for that bit gag but I oversplurged a little already on getting a hotel room, cuase im still exhuasted and didn't want to drive back this late just to drive back in the morning. But I did buy the matching cuffs for my ankles ( YAAAY), a new interesting set of clmaps ( for $4), some leather lacing and a ring to play around a bit (I'm going to make something with it just not sure what) some pretty nylon rope, a thisrt from the bullwhip lounge I'll take a picture of me in it tomorrow to put on here Its hot... and definitly not PG.
AND THEN!!! I'm walking around the corner between vendor rooms, and what do I see on the table... but the PERFECT gift for my husband. Sir I am not going to tell you what it is in here so no cheating. I might send you a picture, but then again it might be a better treat for when you come home. I was so excited to find this, it was fairly cheap as far as these things go and it looks gorgeous. TEE HEE HEE I cna't wait until I can show you... Happy Birthday my Sir... Oh I jsut got an even more evil idea.. .nevermind...
So classes yes I went to several...
REading and writing body language- It was very informational, about ways that you can look open, and friendly, ways you show people to back off... how to look more dominant or controlling in a given situation... how to read signals from people in a scene, or in a dungeon, how to ask questions silently so that you don't interrupt... all that kind of stuff, I had a good time it was very enjoyable. How to read the tension in a submissives face, easy ways to convey safewords when you cannot see or speak... Definitions of personal bubbles and space... and how to maintain dynamics in a given situation... I enjoyed it. I did learn that if you have your hand on the part of someoones hari, and can feel their scalp- when they blush, their scalp actually gets warmer.
The Introduction to Master Slave relationships was a very interesting class. It wasn't necessarily a bad class, I was jsut not in agreement of how they present what a Master/ Slave relationship was in reference to Dom/Sub relationships. I totally agree that a relationship, and M/s, D/s, Daddy/ girlor boy Mommy / girl or boy trainor/pony etc... that they are all what the mean to the people involved in the relationship. What I didn't agree with whas that the class definitons made it out that a Dominant/ Submissive relationship had absolutely NOTHING to do with Mater/slave relationships. It is my belief that a Master Slave relationships is a deeper, more refined, defined and explicit version of a Dominant/ Submissive relationship. Jsut like a pony and their owner, a Daddy and his girl, etc... not that they aren't mutually exclusive... I made a few friends in that class. One is a woman that had been doing some oneline exploration. And a few of her questions set off red flags for me big time. Like a "master" that she met that agreed to her safeword and then renigged it on her. And the only thing she could do was crawl tot he hotel door to get out. SoI offered her my email addres if she ever wanted to chat or talk or discuss or anything. And come to find out, she lives relatively close to me, so I'm excited. And i hope she'll email me. She was there with another couple and We switched emails too...
One thing I did realize... I think part of why we had so many problems before was becuase I felt badly damaged and hurt from things that had happened between us in the past. And that was why I was having such a difficult time. With what I happened I was hurt, and it stopped me from being able to trust you the way I need to for our relationship. ( And yes I realize this is partly going back to what had been going on) Now that I realize that, I know what we need to work on to get past all of the crap. We both fucked up in the past. And I am only looking towards our future. I love you Sir.
Then came the back to back rope classes. OMG so much fun, I can make three difference kinds of cuffs, a few different ties, a chest harness and I learned to do a karata I think thats what its called. I learned some about the history of Shibari... like it started off as Hojojutsu, which is what they called the samauri art of binding a captive. And it was created intentionally that if someone struggled or tried to escape... they would hurt themselve or make themselves pass out. Did you know that by looking at how someone was tied you could tell who caught them, what their rank was, if they had commited a crime, what that was and what thir punishment was going to be. I also learned that polypropeline ropes ( that cost 1.40 a foot) look and act like more natural fibers, but washes and has similar care to a artificial fiber rope.
(( And as I write this I can hear someone in the next room over getting a beating... Damn... I'm getting jealous... I'm totally sleeping in my cuffs.))
I met a couple in the class and they were really nice, they let me practice my ties on them, and then the top/bf tied the two of us togehter ( incredibly simply)It was cute... but the chest harness over her corset, didn't work out so well. In the class we learned about key things to look for when worrid about nerve damages, checking for circulation, and general care. Then we got into the good stuff- how to do funky things, how to use the simple ties we learned to do complicated looking stuff. Like I learned that a hitachi wand on a rope no where near naughty bits... will vibrate strong enoughto cause an orgasm. And yes that was demonstrated. It was awesome.
tomorrow is Communication effectiveness, The bottoming presentation, and the Japanese warfan class... I'll write more tomorrow!
So I arrive, flash my id, pay the fee, and walk around cause I've got an hour until the first class... I did a little browsing, and found SEVERAL things that I want to buy. PArt of me still wants to go back for that bit gag but I oversplurged a little already on getting a hotel room, cuase im still exhuasted and didn't want to drive back this late just to drive back in the morning. But I did buy the matching cuffs for my ankles ( YAAAY), a new interesting set of clmaps ( for $4), some leather lacing and a ring to play around a bit (I'm going to make something with it just not sure what) some pretty nylon rope, a thisrt from the bullwhip lounge I'll take a picture of me in it tomorrow to put on here Its hot... and definitly not PG.
AND THEN!!! I'm walking around the corner between vendor rooms, and what do I see on the table... but the PERFECT gift for my husband. Sir I am not going to tell you what it is in here so no cheating. I might send you a picture, but then again it might be a better treat for when you come home. I was so excited to find this, it was fairly cheap as far as these things go and it looks gorgeous. TEE HEE HEE I cna't wait until I can show you... Happy Birthday my Sir... Oh I jsut got an even more evil idea.. .nevermind...
So classes yes I went to several...
REading and writing body language- It was very informational, about ways that you can look open, and friendly, ways you show people to back off... how to look more dominant or controlling in a given situation... how to read signals from people in a scene, or in a dungeon, how to ask questions silently so that you don't interrupt... all that kind of stuff, I had a good time it was very enjoyable. How to read the tension in a submissives face, easy ways to convey safewords when you cannot see or speak... Definitions of personal bubbles and space... and how to maintain dynamics in a given situation... I enjoyed it. I did learn that if you have your hand on the part of someoones hari, and can feel their scalp- when they blush, their scalp actually gets warmer.
The Introduction to Master Slave relationships was a very interesting class. It wasn't necessarily a bad class, I was jsut not in agreement of how they present what a Master/ Slave relationship was in reference to Dom/Sub relationships. I totally agree that a relationship, and M/s, D/s, Daddy/ girlor boy Mommy / girl or boy trainor/pony etc... that they are all what the mean to the people involved in the relationship. What I didn't agree with whas that the class definitons made it out that a Dominant/ Submissive relationship had absolutely NOTHING to do with Mater/slave relationships. It is my belief that a Master Slave relationships is a deeper, more refined, defined and explicit version of a Dominant/ Submissive relationship. Jsut like a pony and their owner, a Daddy and his girl, etc... not that they aren't mutually exclusive... I made a few friends in that class. One is a woman that had been doing some oneline exploration. And a few of her questions set off red flags for me big time. Like a "master" that she met that agreed to her safeword and then renigged it on her. And the only thing she could do was crawl tot he hotel door to get out. SoI offered her my email addres if she ever wanted to chat or talk or discuss or anything. And come to find out, she lives relatively close to me, so I'm excited. And i hope she'll email me. She was there with another couple and We switched emails too...
One thing I did realize... I think part of why we had so many problems before was becuase I felt badly damaged and hurt from things that had happened between us in the past. And that was why I was having such a difficult time. With what I happened I was hurt, and it stopped me from being able to trust you the way I need to for our relationship. ( And yes I realize this is partly going back to what had been going on) Now that I realize that, I know what we need to work on to get past all of the crap. We both fucked up in the past. And I am only looking towards our future. I love you Sir.
Then came the back to back rope classes. OMG so much fun, I can make three difference kinds of cuffs, a few different ties, a chest harness and I learned to do a karata I think thats what its called. I learned some about the history of Shibari... like it started off as Hojojutsu, which is what they called the samauri art of binding a captive. And it was created intentionally that if someone struggled or tried to escape... they would hurt themselve or make themselves pass out. Did you know that by looking at how someone was tied you could tell who caught them, what their rank was, if they had commited a crime, what that was and what thir punishment was going to be. I also learned that polypropeline ropes ( that cost 1.40 a foot) look and act like more natural fibers, but washes and has similar care to a artificial fiber rope.
(( And as I write this I can hear someone in the next room over getting a beating... Damn... I'm getting jealous... I'm totally sleeping in my cuffs.))
I met a couple in the class and they were really nice, they let me practice my ties on them, and then the top/bf tied the two of us togehter ( incredibly simply)It was cute... but the chest harness over her corset, didn't work out so well. In the class we learned about key things to look for when worrid about nerve damages, checking for circulation, and general care. Then we got into the good stuff- how to do funky things, how to use the simple ties we learned to do complicated looking stuff. Like I learned that a hitachi wand on a rope no where near naughty bits... will vibrate strong enoughto cause an orgasm. And yes that was demonstrated. It was awesome.
tomorrow is Communication effectiveness, The bottoming presentation, and the Japanese warfan class... I'll write more tomorrow!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Lesson learned...
I am writing this so that I don't forget it, and I know all who read this are going to be giving me a telepathic smack upside the head.
For the last week or so I've been a little down... and in doing so I have not been eating well. Binging on unhealthy foods, and not eating more than once a day. Then lets fast forward to this morning...
Its friday, its time for my meeting with my personal trainer. I get up like I usually do, swallow a glass of milk and half a muffin and head out to the gym. Ten minute warm up on cardio... 3 new excersizes... interesting definitely new felt the burn... and then we went back for the second set, and half way through the first one ( lunge with a cable row) when all of a sudden, It got really warm... my eye sight suddenly went all fuzzy, and I felt like my legs were going to give out and I was going to tip over. I stood up,let the weights down and put my hand on the machine closest to me. At which point my lovely trainer stepped in close and said," You're going to sit down, what did you eat today?"
She then told me that her first clue was that my face had totally gone pale, and I looked like I was going to be sick. Which was great cause I was nauseus as hell... Needless to say I ended up laying on the floor with my feet in the air and drinking a bottle of juice before she would let me drive home. In addition to my appointment next week, she has " highly advised" that I no longer go to the gym unless I've had a substantial breakfast. In addition she reccomended that I work on getting a steady flow of food into my system.
Whats the phrase- First rule... must take care of yourself...
LESSON LEARNED.
I'll write some mor later, but wanted to get that down...
For the last week or so I've been a little down... and in doing so I have not been eating well. Binging on unhealthy foods, and not eating more than once a day. Then lets fast forward to this morning...
Its friday, its time for my meeting with my personal trainer. I get up like I usually do, swallow a glass of milk and half a muffin and head out to the gym. Ten minute warm up on cardio... 3 new excersizes... interesting definitely new felt the burn... and then we went back for the second set, and half way through the first one ( lunge with a cable row) when all of a sudden, It got really warm... my eye sight suddenly went all fuzzy, and I felt like my legs were going to give out and I was going to tip over. I stood up,let the weights down and put my hand on the machine closest to me. At which point my lovely trainer stepped in close and said," You're going to sit down, what did you eat today?"
She then told me that her first clue was that my face had totally gone pale, and I looked like I was going to be sick. Which was great cause I was nauseus as hell... Needless to say I ended up laying on the floor with my feet in the air and drinking a bottle of juice before she would let me drive home. In addition to my appointment next week, she has " highly advised" that I no longer go to the gym unless I've had a substantial breakfast. In addition she reccomended that I work on getting a steady flow of food into my system.
Whats the phrase- First rule... must take care of yourself...
LESSON LEARNED.
I'll write some mor later, but wanted to get that down...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Bad day
Today is another not good day. And I wasn't going to write becuase I didn't want you to worry...
I didn't get the job...
I didn't do well int he building contest...
I had no motivation to do anything today...
I didn't go to the gym...
And I feel like crap...
Sore throat, coughing...
Oh and did I mention the emotional eating? I finshed off 1/2 a block of cheddar cheese yesterday.
I think I'm going to hide... still...
I may not get out of bed tomorrow... unless osmething breaks this mood...
*sighs and curls up with her army dressed teddy bear*
I didn't get the job...
I didn't do well int he building contest...
I had no motivation to do anything today...
I didn't go to the gym...
And I feel like crap...
Sore throat, coughing...
Oh and did I mention the emotional eating? I finshed off 1/2 a block of cheddar cheese yesterday.
I think I'm going to hide... still...
I may not get out of bed tomorrow... unless osmething breaks this mood...
*sighs and curls up with her army dressed teddy bear*
Monday, February 1, 2010
Well today's been one of those downswing kind of days. Its had a rough start- I couldn't fall asleep and then spent the majority of the what time I was “sleeping” tossing and turning. I think its due in part to the stress of not having a job at this particular moment. Eventually that will even out, as I am really hopefully with this job at the Car Dealership. With luck that will help me stabilize my sleep pattern. I am currently working on a schedule for myself to work on what time I'm getting up, going to bed and keeping myself on some sort of routine. I'm tossing in some ritual-esque type things that will help me I hope. Not just the general everyday things that I typically have to accomplish but little small things that I will enjoy on a weekly basis depending on how things are going. This will include things like making sure that I am going out at least once a week to karaoke. It is something that I enjoy immensely, and it only costs a few cents in gas to drive down the road to go sing. I don't have to drink when I go out so water is generally free. What an evening!
I just feel... stuck. I do the same things day in and day out. I'm in the same apartment, I never leave unless its for an errand or something, not necessarily for anything for or a chance of scenery. Now granted come two weeks from now there is a convention I am going to go to but until then I feel like I keep staring at the same 4 ( or 8 if you call my apartment two large rooms) walls day in and out. I'm not getting out enough, before I used to think that I was, but not anymore. I'm going stir crazy for the most part. Even then there are times that I get out and I'm not comfortable where I am, or I just don't want to be there and I'd almost, in that moment at least, rather be at home.
I am most definitely in a downswing, though I think its the same downswing I've been in for a while, I just haven't fully pulled out of it yet. There have been some really great moments and good times, but I'm not in the clear yet. I am not sure if it would be better if I was able to get a change of scenery, or if I just need to find something to occupy my time until I hear about the job offer.
I think my job situation has been less than helpful to this swing. I had someone look at my resume and in the near exact words,” Your education makes you overqualified for several jobs, but your job history makes you look like a flake.” Its not that I don't mind going to somewhere stupid and getting a job, but I don't need to continue to rack up a job history that makes me look like a employee with absolutely no dedication. That is potentially the one good thing about this job at the Automobile place- It make give me a job that I can enjoy and stay in while I work at several things. I am sure I could do some night classes after work amongst other things. But I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. The harder part is sitting here going- If this job falls through what else am I going to get. I tried Subway again now that its under new management- still no luck. I put in application for Cumberlands but I haven't gotten so much as a call for an interview :(
Have to stay positive and hope that I pull out of this soon...
Love you...
Always
me
I just feel... stuck. I do the same things day in and day out. I'm in the same apartment, I never leave unless its for an errand or something, not necessarily for anything for or a chance of scenery. Now granted come two weeks from now there is a convention I am going to go to but until then I feel like I keep staring at the same 4 ( or 8 if you call my apartment two large rooms) walls day in and out. I'm not getting out enough, before I used to think that I was, but not anymore. I'm going stir crazy for the most part. Even then there are times that I get out and I'm not comfortable where I am, or I just don't want to be there and I'd almost, in that moment at least, rather be at home.
I am most definitely in a downswing, though I think its the same downswing I've been in for a while, I just haven't fully pulled out of it yet. There have been some really great moments and good times, but I'm not in the clear yet. I am not sure if it would be better if I was able to get a change of scenery, or if I just need to find something to occupy my time until I hear about the job offer.
I think my job situation has been less than helpful to this swing. I had someone look at my resume and in the near exact words,” Your education makes you overqualified for several jobs, but your job history makes you look like a flake.” Its not that I don't mind going to somewhere stupid and getting a job, but I don't need to continue to rack up a job history that makes me look like a employee with absolutely no dedication. That is potentially the one good thing about this job at the Automobile place- It make give me a job that I can enjoy and stay in while I work at several things. I am sure I could do some night classes after work amongst other things. But I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. The harder part is sitting here going- If this job falls through what else am I going to get. I tried Subway again now that its under new management- still no luck. I put in application for Cumberlands but I haven't gotten so much as a call for an interview :(
Have to stay positive and hope that I pull out of this soon...
Love you...
Always
me
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