Intimacy

While at the Flea this weekend, I found myself feeling a mix of emotions.  My time, for the most part, was enjoyable.  I had a good time taking classes and meeting some new people.  But I couldn't help but continue to have the  crowded room and yet alone feeling.  And this time it was often a crowded hallway, in a classroom or at the vendors stations. 

It was hard enough that I went into the rope class, by myself and I had to get someone to volunteer to by my ropee so that I could pratice.  The second part of the class, when he began to show us differnt things that you could do with ropes, and how to do differnt things and be imaginative the instructor said," Do you see this gentleman over here.  He's tying her up, but he's close to her.  He's wrapping his arms around her as he moves the ropes.  Its bringing them closer together. See this couple over here, there is a distance... They just met. It bring in a greater level of intimacy to the situation." That was only the beginning in that class.

In two of the classes you could see and feel the closeness and the relationship that several couples had, be it in a demo, or in one case, the night prior at the play party he met this woman, and she had only played with him once but you could see and feel even on the outside how well they worked together.  There was an ever contrant reminder about how much a relationship relies on the ability to be intimate, and how much the Lifestyle and degress of Dominance and Submission can enhance that. 


Wether you are a top or a bottom, or whichever classification you choose for yourself, or which facet of specific combination of BDSM, LEather, Old Guard Japanese Etc... Its all about the relationship you build, and how deep it goes.  Even to negotiate some sort of quick scene, (" I've never tried needleplay before, can you show me whats invovled" "That looks intersing I've never seen a toy like that can I see how it feels") You are opening yourself up to a close relationship.  You don't forget the first time you tried a violet wand, ( In the middle of a vendor stall at the Boston Summer Flea of '07).  It is a difernt level of intimacy than say a deeply involved scene with your Owner that pushes a limit jsut a little further than you have before.  Its opening up your vulnerability, exposing yourself and hoping to grow from it.  Its trusting someone enough to be responsible for what will happen to you in the consecutive period of time. 

And as I sat in the room for the second half of the rope class, with all of these couples tying and beind tied, and experiementing and exhibiting these acts of such closeness, I couldn't help but self reflect as I sat in my chair just watching.  How long has it been since I've been bound in rope? How long has it been since we have done anything with similar intent? Something that was him taking me somwhere with him ( not in the literal sense). 

Then this morning in the Communication Effectiveness in the M/s Dynamic class, the speaker asked a very resounding question," How do you tell someone you love them? How can your partner tell you that they love you?" It was a pair of questions that I didn't know how to answer.  To me it is something more than jsut saying it but showing it to... and I was at a total loss for words and explanations, becuaseI never stopped to think about it from either side.  And I was just in total shock. 

The whole point of this entry is because I really find that as much as the communication has been an issue for us Sir.  I think this has been missing to- A sense of intimacy with each other. I know that I am so often seeming over slutty because I am often asking, begging to be fucked, or taken to bed... but I think I figure out why... becuase it was the only way I felt like we were close in any sense.  Even looking back it seemed there was a disconnect.  I don't want that anymore... I don't want this huge disconnect between us on any level.  Its why for so long we were so fubared and nothing was right and we grew apart. 

We're on that path, and i don't want us to break from it, and I'm afraid things are just going to back to how they were.  That when you get back, You're going to shut down on me again and recede into whichever point it is this time and that im not going to be enough.  Its the same fear I've had for a while.  My trip up to see you last week, and the conversation we started to have last night really helped.  It needs to stay that way, I need to not revert back either, and I won't.  I just need to know that I have something. 

I feel like im floating right now... and not in a good way.  I'm having a total shit time finding a job, and its part of why I'm so down.  I feel as if I can't find a job becuase there is something wrong with me, or my resume or something, and I don't know where to turn.  I asked for rules... I've asked for protocols... I asked for a letter before you left.  You had time to read all of your books on your new e-reader but you didn't have time to write anything for me.  The day you left you said you would write me something and email it to me. Now you have a job to do, and tasks you need to accomplish.  I want you to focus there now, and come home safe. 

I love you with all my heart...

~me