Hump day gone slump day...

I am not immune to dips in my mood, but as of late I've been in a bit of a slump.  And today is one of them, but its dipping pretty low and I can't seem to break it.  I dislike writing about them becuase it makes me face them, and even worse than having to face them is having to somehow get out of it, when for whatever reason I just want to hide under a blanket or in the closet.  And mostly, I don't know what to do to break them.  Getting to talk to you, and or seeing emails helps but you can't be here all the time you have a job to do Sir.  It helps a little with the new food rule, having to kneel for a bit before I can eat, but its starting to make me miss you when I do.  Its both good and bad...

Today just started as one of those days that I didn't want to get out of bed, and not for other reason than This whole no job thing is really starting to weigh me down.  I shouldn't say start is has been for a while.  And Monday night, after we fond out that my sister graduates from Air Force basic training my mother is pushing for me to go... and I don't know if I can, I need to have a job by then.  And who says that any job is going to let me get that time off to go see her.  Well I said," Mom If I have a job I can't get the time off." And then my mother in perfect rebutle," What do you mean IF you have a job you've been out of a job for more than a year you aren't going to find one now." Gee thanks mom- lets start with it hasn't been a year ( and I'd like to thank my dad for backing me up when my mother got obstinate about that fact) and finding a job has been difficult for ALOT of people. 

Then yesterday I went to go help our friend out with her baby while she cleaned her house to get ready for her sister in law to visit from Califormia.  And she did nothing, she spent the entire time on her computer while I kept an eye on the baby," ooh see this house? I don't feel like cleaning right now I can't do anything..." And then when the baby was down for a nap, and  I was there, she sat on the computer with a tv show on while I sat twiddling my thumbs like okay... now what am I supposed to do.  Talk about being invited to help out and feeling useless.

Useless... maybe thats the word I've been looking for.  Maybe thats how I've been feeling becuase I cna't find a job...

I'm lonely... I know I am.   And I hate that I am admitting this here, becuase I don't want you to worry Sir.  Its not that I'm purposely reclusing myself away from people.  I can go out in public and still feel alone... The last two days I've gone out and met up with people and still... I'm in a crowded place and still feel alone.   I just can't figure out why... One of the many things I am trying to figure out. 

I'm going to go check the basement, and maybe get a load or two of laundry done before it floods too bad.  Oh have I mentioned its disgusting out? All gray and rainy and gross... its not helping the mood... at all.  And I should get something to eat too...  tummy's getting rumbly