Now that I have your attention-

It came to my attention last night, that to some people my husband is the and I will quote "The biggest asshole I have ever met and he is a total dick" in regards to the way he treats me.

I will admit,  my husband is an asshole, and I can be a bitch. we kinda work out well that way.  Neither one of us is perfect, and we have to accept each other for who we are.  I married my husband for who he is- the sweet tender side he rarely shows to anyone, and the asshole side.

In the aftermath of this "enlightening" statement I spent a fair amount of time in self reflection and partial self detriment as I usually do.  What my biggest concern and the reason for my tears was whether or not I have been making too many excuses for His behavior because of the deployment and if I really was blind to how he treats me.

I made it home, got changed, and proceeded to let the tears just start flowing.  It last maybe five minutes before he woke up, and checked on me (Imagine waking up to your partner in tears on the other side of the bed).  This prompted a long conversation on how  things have been going and how I was feeling.  This is the side that no one ever sees, or that I don't often discuss because  of his "I'm a soldier I'm not sensitive" thing.

A few things came out in this conversation that I want to have down in my journal.

*The communication between my husband and I is MILES beyond where it has been in the past.  There is so much that I can say, bring up, and explain that I wouldn't have dared to do.  At the same time, I still have work to do- there are times where I will swallow something because of his potential reactions.  This is something I am working on, but its not going to happen over night.

*I do however make excuses for him, and the majority of his behavior.  I blame it all on his deployment, and let it all pass.  I told him about this last night, and I understand that things aren't going to change over night.  He has had two months, and not much has really changed.   I've voiced my concerns that he is hermitting, he is being extremely lazy, and that he is shutting himself off from me- that I can tell who he is from one minute to the next at times.

*I used to be very self destructive.  If something was wrong, or there was a major concern, I used to take it all on me.  It was all my fault, I was fucking things up, and I deserved all the shit that was going on.  I have grown past this, during our conversation last night, I told him that I had been doing a lot of thinking, but for once- I wasn't taking it all on myself.  This wasn't an issue that was all his fault, nor was it all my fault.  Go me :D

He and I have work to do, he's not perfect and he's an asshole.  But he's my asshole I have to deal with him.  He's getting better, in small ways- the little things.  It no longer takes him a day to apologize for his attitude (it took two hours last night).  he is also getting a better understanding of how everything is affecting me, and out relationship.    

Our conversation ended this morning, in the wee hours before we feel asleep on this note.  In roughly six month, our child is going to be born.  We have a lot of work to before he arrives.  I don't expect perfection, or a sudden 180 from who he is.  I am hoping that in the next 6 months, he will see more of his behavior and how this last deployment has changed him, and will work with it.  It does not mean that he is broken, or unfixable, or anything like that.  He's different now and we have to adapt.  Not something I am skilled with but I am willing to work on it as well.

One thing I do expect and near demand from him, is that in the next month he finds someone to talk to.  I know how he feels about doctors and "head shrinkers."  Even if he just reaches out to one of the guys that he went overseas with that is enough for me.

In summary- yes my husbands an asshole, yes  I am a bitch, no- I don't think anyone is perfect.  He is my dick, and I'll deal with him, my way.