Yesterday was absolute shit, and I am only writing about it now so that I can get it all out there, so that it can be read and understood and then let go. The problem with yesterday was that it started off frustrated and never quite got better. It was like a snowball effect, I never quite got anything out of my system and it all kept building and by the end of the night I was ready to scream kick and beat someone. And all I ended up doing was crying to let out the frustrating, and cried pretty much until I fell asleep. ((That was until I smoked out my girlfriend and I when I lit some herbs with a little too much lilac oil. More on that later))
It started in the morning...
I went out the night prior night, to the local bar for my friends birthday. Strike one- I was supposed to ask before I went out. This has never been anything set in stone, or something that I was supposed to be doing. When I asked about it, and asked why I should have asked, the response was," You should know better." That was not exactly what I was hoping for as an answer- better response," I want to know where you are, I would prefer that you start asking me to go somewhere if I'm expecting you to be home." The other issue that I had in the morning was that suddenly there are things being enforced or wanted to be enforced that are just not realistic right now. (back to this later)
Next up, Sir wanted me out of bed. And for some unknown reason, He felt that if he took out his whip it would help get me either out of bed or awake. What it actually did was make me hide under the covers and curl up. Every so often I could feel it hit the blanket, but it never hit me. He also made several attempts to crack it. Now I'm not the biggest fan of whips in general at the moment. I'm getting used to them, slowly but surely. He has admitted that He is not ready to use them on me yet, he's a touch out of practice (aka its been over a year). Strike two. Need I say more? I mean really- why make that choice knowing how I feel about them.
Then it became a joke of some sort about helping me carry out the laundry. "I was going to help you in the morning its afternoon now" "You're not that far along you can still carry it" "Helping means easing the burden, I'm not going to do it all." It felt like pulling teeth to get some help to carry the three baskets of laundry out to the car. Strike three- I just wanted a good damned hand to help me. I didn't realize it was THAT much to ask.
I did talk to Sir about this part but its just a little odd that even when I make a sarcastic remark that its assumed that I am trying to start an argument. I was asking a question, albeit it sarcastic, but an answer instead of walking away would have been much more appreciated. Strike four- walking away...
I went to do the laundry, that got all fubared because somehow His army coat got mixed in and I had to rewash the majority of our laundry. So I opted to run up and go pick up my girlfriend because she was spending the day with us before we went to the Space tonight. Got back and the laundry was done, but it needed to be folded, and hung up and yeah, frustrating its the one chore I really dislike. Strike five laundry...
Dinner a little shopping, not so bad...
Sir wanted a nap after we got back from the store. No big deal, he told me to wake him up in a few hours, so that was the plan. I had made an off handed comment that I would wake him up with a blow job ( guess he didn't hear me, but I learned this much later). When it was time to wake him up, I climbed into bed, snuggled in behind him, kissed his neck, rubbed his back. I didn't do anything too direct at first because I know that he can be very jumpy still when woken up. I was careful, because his arms tend to flail more often than anything else so I made sure that if he did It wouldn't hit me. Well He rolled over once, I kept rubbing his back, this time scratching, cause thats what he likes. I was in his arms, so I didn't think the risk was very high. This time he rolled to his back and I cuddled in all nice and close. This time I let my hand wander, and rubbed him through his pants. I got pushed away, so I waited a bit... tried again, hand moved to his chest... I waited a little longer and then tried one last time. When he moved my hand, I gave up. I wasn't going to push too hard and piss him off. As I was putting my pants back on, I hear from the bed,"You give up too easily"
Strike Six- Rejection... again... but this time because I didn't push hard enough. Please make up your mind. I am getting really tired of and feeling hurt at being constantly rejected by my husband for intimate contact. Its entirely frustrating, and then to have that comment, I don't know. It sucks, and I'm not sure that He really understands what it does to me. It's really troublesome to me that I can't tell what he wants anymore. Its certainly not seeming to be me.
So then after I start crying we start to talk about it. The vibe I then get from the conversation was that it was my fault that it happened, had I not tried to wake him up that way it never would have happened. He could have hurt me or the baby, and the classic " I should have known better." Strike Seven- So not my fault.
Later last night and this morning my Sir apologized, but it still doesn't fully fix what happened. The end result from yesterday leaves me with this. I don't know what he wants anymore, especially when it comes to me. I am not getting the kind of attention that I need from him. My Sir is my Owner, and I am well aware of that fact, and its not going to change. The fact of the matter is that You are still trying to adjust to being home, and getting back into the swing of things. You cannot just reassume certain things and expect me to read your mind and put them into place.
There are some things that are not going to fall into normal until you are better, and adjusted to being home, and ready to take that sort of control back. I will not lie- we can both be lazy, but at some point you need to suck it up and take care of shit. I cannot do this on my own. I am going to need your help, and I'm going to need a lot more of it as the next several months progress. And for minor things now it gets really difficult to imagine how things will be later. Which along those lines, you know how much it bothers me that you smoke in the house. " You can't smell it anymore" Is not a valid excuse because its still settled everywhere and is in the house.
*sigh*
See frustrated...
♥Always♥
your wench
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