Speechless

Weekend recap-

Saturday, I got alot of errands done, and things I need to finish and loose ends I need to secure for several projects I wanted to complete by when my Sir gets home.  I then spent the afternoon getting ready to go out to the Space for the night.  When I went to the space last night, there was a class on Edge play and knife play.  

My notes from the class are as follows-

A Mind fuck is just the presnce and manipulation of mind states and altered mind states.  One takes assumptions of what is considered normal and stretches, changes and manipulates what is percived to a new state of mind.  You can use tools of control, assumed responsibilities, ownership and daily routine. 

Participating in Mind fucks, or creating them requires a certain awareness of your partner, their triggers, states and emotional pools.  It can help develop and strengthen trust.  "The word fucking makes EVERYTHING better"

Knives, and blade play and such is a matter of motion control balance and symbiance. 

I had a wonderful time at that point after- relaxing, watching someone pop their needle cherry, and their suspension cherry, and I just hung out with people.  Freaky and I did some light playing, becuase it is important to me and my Sir that I remain unmarked until he gets back home.   Dinner at Denny's went much smoother last night too.


However when you come to today...

This morning down right sucked camel spiders. I don't know what the hell the sudden problem is, if it is something going on over there, or what the issue is itself.  I don't even know what to say.  I've been left extremely confused for the majority of the day, but did make sure not to be "mopey."  It is however 1045, and I have yet to play, not for any other reason than we've been relaxed and laid back for the majority of the day, and Footstool came over, so Freaky was having fun with him. 

I know that things are crazy over there and you still have a job to do, and I am not trying to impede that.  Its just really difficult to know what is going on in your head with this distance between us.  I cannot read your mind, as much as I would love to right now.  I ask questions, and I get answer and for some reason there seems to be some sort of confusion between what is being said. 

I really have no clue what to do.  I need direction, and I know that with where you are at, you have bigger things to worry about than me.  I want you to come home to me, and in one piece too.   I have found friendship, guidance, fun, and compainionship in Freaky and Audra and Ben.  It is something that I cannot replace with anyone, nor can it replace anything that I already have.  

It is hard on me because given my past in our relationship I am concerned with making sure that I don't fuck up.  I am extremely caustious, and trying to relax and enjoy myself.  Every and anytime that I do anything occurs- Its not jsut me, and its not just me playing with Freaky- (I do NOT play with anyone and everyone, I am extremely selective with whom I give out my trust, and your trust with me.  And Freaky is the only one that has it.) To me, its us.  You may not be there, but for me you are there. 

No matter when you get back, or when I am "no longer playing" or anything, I am still going to be hungry and eager for you.  It doesn't matter to me.  I should say that I don't think how your desire for me to stop playing and have  me eager for you didn't come across.  They way I saw it was that you didn't want me getting brusied.  " you were going to say something and I had to listen." It came across to me as more of a I don't know her, I don't want her brusing you, you're mine. So stop"  That would be why I asked if I could play and not get bruised. 

I've felt amazingly more like me since I've come out of my shell and back into the "scene." That was why I asked if I could still play as long as I didn't get bruised.  You nodded in the IM I thought that you meant I could still play without being bruised.  That would be why I asked, because I was trying to clarify.  That was why I was so upset when you were irritated with me.  

There is one thing that you should now.  You said... "Wayne (10/24/2010 2:33:49 PM): Did it ever occur to you that I wanted you to stop so that maybe you would be more suceptible?   That you would be sensitve?  That I wanted you needy?"  No, it didn't thats not how you presented it.  On occasion I need to be slapped with something upside the head like that.  I can't read your mind.  Had you been totally blunt and said," I don't want you playing anymore, becuase I want you to simmer until I get home."  I would have been boiling... near instantly.  That would have lit a fire that you couldn't believe.  That is the sort of thing I need to hear more often- otherwise I don't know whats going on in your head, or what you're thinking.  Not knowing what you are thinking just makes things so much harder on me. 


Alright- I am sure that not much of this makes sense, and I am hoping that nothing has come out wrong, but please talk to me about it.  Please... I do however need to get going, I have company over and I don't want to be rude for too long.

I love you my Sir. 


♥Always♥
Your wench