Mixed up Monday

Today has been exactly that.  I've been very mixed up.

The last two days have left me feeling like I'm standing in a whirlwind.  I know that the majority of what is going on now is a combination of the stress that my Sir has over there, and the stress of coming home, in addition to what is actually going on over there. 

I sought out some advice from Vonn yesterday, becuase I was utterly at a loss.  My Sir's concern was if he needed letters of reccommendation for the application.  He was irritated because I had left the application in the car.  I was able to answer his question, which is what I thought was the importnat piece, what he wanted.  But yet He was upset with me becuase I didn't have it in the house, and I really couldn't figure out where the hell I had messed up.  When I spoke with Vonn, it was her guess that I should have been more anticipatory and had it in the house.  

I can't say I've ever been overly anticipatory in that form, and I am still a bit confused.  I hadn't brought the application in becuase I had a few bags to grab and I didn't want to mangle it, so I left it on the back seat.  I hadn't realized that it would be that large of an issue that I didn't bring it in. To an extent I still don't understand it, but its the anticipatory thing that has me more than a little thoughtful.  What exactly amd I supposed to be anticipating, I still have a fair amount of time to get things done.  Does my Sir want to micromanage me quite that detailed?

Or is it more of a control issue- what has him feeling so out of control that suddenly he's bearing down on me so hard? What is the external factor that is going on? Or does He believe that I am getting better and is trying to puch my boundaries and expects more of me?  There are many questions and not all of them can be answered right now. 

The other thing that has me a bit out of sorts is the money issues.  I nickle and dime alot, I have no excuse, looking back I did spend alot of money.  Not all of it was frivolous we have alot fo back debt taken care of that isn't going to follow us anymore.  The most important thing to me is that when he gets home he has time to relax and readjust.  I know that we can, I am not sure if he believes it just yet, but I can only hope. 

I know that he is upset with himself- we wouldn't be in this mess if he had stuck with his original plan.  I can't stop him from being upset with himself as much as He can tell me to turn off that switch.  At the same time had that happened- when I lost my job, I would have been up a creek without a paddle. I don't think he would have wanted that either. 

Since my Sir came home I have felt an insane amount more "normal" more like myself, I'm me again. If you aske me what was going on with me a year agao, the only thing I could tell you is that we were getting things back together, and He was getting ready to leave.  I was still hidden hiding and an empty shell of anyone.  I could say the same for the majority of my Sir's deployment save when I got to see him in February, and conversations here and there. 

 Its only gotten better since I have starting going out and getting involved more.  I broke through the shell that was there, I am feeling so much stronger in myself and in us.  What I hadn't realized was that part of me going out and being more involved was that I was nickle and diming left and right and I wasn't noticing it. 

In the last week, I have done what I can to knock it back several notches.  I don't have to spend money to go out and have a good time with my friends.I've gotten into the habit of " wine and needle Sunday's" WE have a potluck dinner and relax and have a good time.  There is nothing else needed and its for all intents a cheap event.  It is something that I want to continue. 

I know that my Sir and I can live, not survive without him having to go back to work.  Something has to finally give, I have to get a job, something has to break and someone has to be willing to hire me.  I'm SO fucking tired of not getting a call, after an interview, or anything... *sighs* But I can't get down on myself I have bigger things to worry about.  My Sir.

I feel alive again, its been far too long since I have.  I've been hidden for too long, self hermiting.  Things have gotten better and I refuse to go backwards. I refuse to slide back down a hill becuase there's some trouble heading our way.  I am going to stay strong, I am going to be myself and I am GOING to be here with my Husband, my Sir, to support him, and us. We are going to make it through this, and we're going to do it together.

At the end of this journal I don't feel as mixed up anymore.  Yes I have questions, but I know that I feel much more solid and secure. Maybe a little tipsy, but I willbe just fine.  my Sir will be fine, we will be fine.  Its another bump along our road together.  We will get there, together and stronger.

I love you my Sir