speechless

I was sitting at a table in the bar, my smirnoff had yet to have been touched, when I saw the words flash across the screen.  The entire table stopped the jovial laughter, and I heard a carousing round of "are you alright?"

I had no idea.  I really didn't.  I can't guess what you were thinking, if you were in a poor mood, if something was wrong, if I did something wrong or what was going on.  Panic and fear mingled over my face as I heard it again.  "hello? are you okay? We need an answer."

" I don't really know."

"Stay out and enjoy yourself, one of us should be."

I took that in a few different ways.

1-Its been a rough day already, and he's not looking forward to whatever bullshit is going on.
2- He's pissed at me for something I did, didn't do or currently doing.
3- Is still upset about earlier...

4- all of the above.

I sat there for several moments trying to figure out which it was, what exactly was wrong, what my mistake was, and how the hell to fix it.  PArt of me thinks its a combination of the crap that went down last night, some BS over there, or you are upset over what happened earlier, or worse you think I'm oretty much just fucking around while you are putting your life on the line. 

And that is the farthest thing from the truth.  I've put in more job applications this week, and I plan on doing the same next week until something finally gives in.  I also plan on giving the two places I went to a call back after the weekend, and see what the deal is.  I can't get through a single day without thinking about you, worrying about you, and just fucking wanting you home with me.  Moments like this morning and the snappy idgitty morning were due in fact htat we both miss each other and want time together, but due to situations beyond our control just got in the way.  And we took it out on each other, which isn't fair to either of us.

I know what you want when you get home, and I am trying my damndest to do it.  I know it doesn't often seem it, but I am.  I am weighing my preference to ensure that you have a fully functional vehicle come winter mto drive withouthaving to worry about finding somewhere dry and warm to work on the truck just so you can drive it properly.  I want you to be happy when you get home so that you don't disappear on me again.

*sighs and goes to curl up until she sees you*

I love you my Sir, and I miss you.

♥Always♥
Your wench