Trust

Trust is a core value to any relationship- Vanilla or any other flavor. 

By definition trust is-
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

Notice that the  main words in both definitions is confidence.  Confidence is one of the biggest things that I have had an immense amount of trouble with over hte last approximately oh 25 years of my life.  Give or take a few, there have been very few times that I have been able to quiet the little voice of doubt in the back of my head.  Its been a huge part of who I was, there  was always something int he back of my head telling me that I was going to fuck something up, or that it wasn't what I believed it was. 
 
Confidence was not something I had alot of.  But over the last I'll say 10 yesrs it has been something that I have steadily been working on.  Sometimes its 3 steps forward tw steps back, or a step forward, 3 back, but I was always struggling with it.  
 
I tested my confidence this past weekend, and I made a breakthrough.  For me it was huge, and I'm going to continue to push myself because I can, and I will. This was just the beginning of my breakthroughs.  I was sitting at dinner last night with Freaky, sitting across the table while we ate thinking about how things are going to be different when my Sir gets home.  And I began to think about several things.
 
I lacked confidence in myself, it also meant that I didn't trust myself, at all.  I've made my fair share of mistakes.  The biggest one of all occured during the last delpoyment.  The fact that I had been drinking was no excuse.  I was getting attention from and ended up kissing a guy from the bar. It was something that I wasn't going to hide, and when my Sir came home I told him.  There were times over the coming months that I had felt put aside, and I still didn't trust myself. 
 
During the next few years there were mistakes and glitches made on both sides, I was seeking attention that I was getting, and feeling pushed away.  I can't begin to attempt to  say that I know what was going through his mind but I do know that there were times that He didn't feel that I was much of his submissive any longer.  It happens, my husband and I had a very rough road.  But at the core of all the issues was my insecurity, my lack of confidence and lack of trust.  At the time I was finding reasons for me to rationalize that it wasn't that I didn't trust myself, that it was with him. 
 
My biggest breakthrough is that I have realized that after all this time, I had never truly forgiven myself for what I had done, I was lacking the confidence inmyself to really be able to move on, and trust myself again.  Without having confidence in myself I was looking for any reason to see where the fault could be and when/where things were going to go wrong. I had no confidence in myself and loosing confidence in other places, and in my Sir.
 
That is all changed, I am more confident in myself now, I've tested myself and found myself worthy.  I've also seen that I can trust myself again.  I don't have to worry about how things are going to go or where and when they are going to break down.  I know and I am confident that I can not only trust myself but that I can also trust my relationship, my Owner and my Sir. I have no need to be the insecure person I was before.
 
 
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832), Faust