Mash up

Today's journal is a mash up of emotions.  This morning was difficult, waking up to hear my Sir's voice and hearing that it is going to be longer than I expected until he was home.  Not that I had expected him home overly soon, but when I hadn't heard from him for days, and the last thing he said was that he had to go," it was a good thing" I was so certain that he was on his way home.  But he's not...

I really REALLY dislike this whole hurry up and wait bullshit.  And it leaves me with a very sour, and upset bowl of emotions.

I went back to sleep, which can be a sign of my body going into a downswing again, but I wanted to nap, hoping to wake up on a better side of the bed.  It didn't work out quite so well, but I woke up to talk with Miko, she's having some difficult times, and there is little I can do, but I know she will get through it.

One thing she said that not only took me off guard but really upset me.  I've come a long way in this last year. there has been alot of work, and self reflection and pushing myself to new heights, breaking down walls, and getting myself back.  As my blog states from the get go, my goal was to rediscover the hidden harmony that I had kept  hidden behind all of those walls.

The last time that I had used this persons name in my journal I was accused of slandering her name in a public forum.  This is my journal so that my Sir can see and understand my thoughts.  I am not going to censor myself, because someone disagrees with my opinion.  To the person in question- if you have a problem with what I am about to write, I am sure you can find some way to get in touch with me.

There is a woman who feels that my rediscovery, and why I am doing so much better is because of "everything she has done for me." I find this an entire load of shit, and she can try and spoon feed it to anyone else but she will not get that past me or anyone close to me.  Yes she helped me start to look at thinks in a different view, and helped me on the path of thinking about things in a different light.   But she is NOT responsible for all of my changes.

In fact, she at one point had begun to make things worse, though at the time I hadn't realized it.  At a time when I should have been continuing to pull away from the computer and that ridiculous game known as Secondlife, she was helping to pull me into the game and away from  real life.  There wasn't a true focus on my husband, but opening my mind to havinga "second Master" in Second life who could take care of me.  Which while it may very well be a possibility for some people I've come to realize that it is not for me.

This realization came when I went to visit her.  The whole point of my trip down to see her and her house was to help me get better.  She had a higher priority to sitting on her computer and living there, and predominately ignoring me, unless she needed something done.  There were several things that were brought up that she was participating in that was doing nothing but irritate me and try to assert her "dominance" over me, because it seemed to be assumed that I was inferrior by some means.

If anything it was her partner, that made me realize that I needed to stop hiding from what I was afraid of, or just walk away from the situation.  That was NOT her.  It was someone else.  The rest of my time down there was spent with my bestie, someone who really took the time to get to know me, earn my trust, get close to me to really understand me and what I was going through.  She saw that I needed to get away from the world of electronics and remember that there is an entire world, the REAL world, out there... waiting for me, something that I could enjoy and be a part of again.  That was the BIGGEST  thing I needed to learn and it was certainly not from anyone else but her.

*end rant*

Long story short, don't claim to have helped me when you know full well that you didn't.  I have learned the difference between those who appreciate me, who are my real friends, and who is going to be here to support me.  As opposed to those who will try to use me, manipulate me and get something they want by walking all over me.  That is NO longer going to happen.  I have cut people out of my life for a reason, if you're one of them, stop trying to use me to your benefit.



♥Always♥
Your wench