Standing Strong

For those of you who currently follow, or will stumble upon my blog by happenstance.  You should know two things about me.  First I am a submissive- This does not mean I am a doormat, it is simple a trait of my peronsonality that comes out brighter when around certain people.  You will often find I have a backbone, a wise ass streak and a mouth.  Cross me and you will not like the side you find yourself on. 

Second- I am a Military Spouse.  The hardest job that you can have in the military.  To have to watch your loved one walk away to go do his job, and you are now in charge at home to hold things down and keep life together for them.   These two things seem rather conflicting, and at times they can be.  Try having to tell your husband, and dominant partner that he needs to stop spending money over god knows where becuase you either have a bill to pay, it needs to be in savings or he's already blown XXX amount of money this paycheck.  And if you are lucky like  I am, your soldier already has plans to blow every dime that is saved on a  TV that is far to big for any decent sized living space and "Ironhide" from Transformers. 


Today was one of those difficult days, when you haveto keep yourself in check and wave from the sidewalk as the bus/car/plane/train pulls away and the loneliness creeps in.  This is my second deployment, and I am still shocked and amazed at myself at how much "better" and "easier" thing are the second time around.  BY NO MEANS am I calling this transition easy, becuase its not.  It is incredibly hard- But I want to give you a little insight.

On His first deployment, when He left the first day I was a total wreck- I cried when he hugged me goobye, I cried as I watched his bus pull away, I cried in the car before I could pull out of the parking lot, tears streamed down my face on the car ride home, I curled up on the couch and cried for several hours at my friends apartment.  I was watch you call a blubbering boob for at least this first day.  I had no interest in eating, I just wanted my soldier home. 

Lets flash to this time around- I stood next to him in the parking lot, by tthe chair on the sidewalk, and rested my head on his shoulder, tears welled up a few times, but the only time I had a full blown crying fit was when he hugged me before he loaded up.  We're talking, " I don't want to let you go, I love you... be safe... I love you... Take care of yourself" back and forth for what at the time may have been several minutes but to me seemed only like seconds.  After a whirlwind of time with him It seemedlike in those last few moments it was what I had wanted, need craved. I heard nothing, It was me and him alone ( despite the crowd of hundreds around us) In a few moments of solitude before I knew the wall that was my self control against the tears would come flooding down.  And in that moment against his shoulder they did, and all I could do was hold to him - because he is my wall, my rock and my foundation.  As He went to line up, I stood on the sidewalk, alone for a few moments and watched him through the crowd.  There he was- my Soldier.

Typing this now, I cry becuase there are about 50 differnt emotion raging inside of me but one of them is a huge amount of pride, both for him and myself.  I was determined that this time, unlike the last, he last sight of me from a tinted bus window would not be of me with tears streaming down my face.  Strong men like him do not marry weak women, and today I wasn't.  Today I stood on the sidewalk as his bus pulled away smiling up at the window ( that I hope he was looking out of) and waved and clapped my hands.  Were there tears welling in my eye, of course. But He saw me as I wanted him to see me this time.  Not as the girl in tears that was going to be a mess for the next several days/weeks while he was gone.  Instead to see His strong woman, and wife ready to do what she needs to do to keep things in line, to keep herself and their family taken care of in his absence; Proud to be standing there for him, with him, behind him every step of this journey. 

This time I made it all the way back to our place before I started to cry.  I have been crying on and off through the day, but the weak minded girl from several years ago that didn't know how to pull herself together for several days has been replaced with a wfie, who knows how to handle the expected reaction from the last time.  Who has allowed herself time to veg and distract herself, to stay busy and yet be a lazy ass, and to take care of herself while still allowing the emotions to flow when they need to. 

When you read this know how much I love you- But now after being awake all day on three hours of sleep, sliding in the snow on the way home and feeling drained.  I'm going to curl up with your blanket and watch dexter till I pass out.  I give it 15 minutes...

Always,
me