Minor Moment...

It is more than apparent that at times I can be extremely insecure.  It is something I struggle with but something htat I am working through and doing my best to overcome.  It is also something that I know that I cannot do by myself.  I have to be able to open myself and be that vulnerable to allow it to happen, to show my insecurity and have it countermanded so to speak.

My Sir knows better than anyone how insecure and panicky I can be.  This afternoon was an example of such, but I am writing about it so that I can see it, and so can my Sir. 

The mail came in today, and in the mail was the credit card statement for one of Sir's credit cards.  I glanced over it becuase I saw the balance was getting a little too high for where we want it.  As I read down further, I noticed that there were two charges to a well known online camera business.  I don't think I need more details than that.  The charges were made shortly after he had returned to where he is stationed.  The girls on the other end of these camera's will typically do nearly anything in hopes of garnering more money to be paid.  

Despite the fact that I once worked for this company, i am stuck in a catch 22.  I used to work there, I know what girls, do, I know what they will do, and I know how men are on the other side.  DEspite the fact that I worked there, it gets under my skin becuase I know that there is a girl somewhere taking oreder for him and playing as he commands her to.  I know that it is our times that don't line up but on the inside I desire to do that for him.  To be the girl obeying and pleasing him.  It stings that I cannot be that girl and rears the ugly head of my insecurities that he isn't coming for me, but seeking his pleasure elsewhere.

It  can be hard for me to getpast my insecurity when in my heart I want to be the one to please him, and squirm on the other side of the camera and do all that he wishes.  It is moments that when I read tha ton the bill, I have to stop and remember that despite the fact that he goes to the webstie, in about 8 weeks when he gets home.  it will be ME naked and squirming at his feet, wearing his collar, lockedin His chain and held perfectly as his. I have to beat down the insecurity with the fact that for nearly a month since then it has been me that he tells over and over how much he loves me, Misses me and cannot wait to come home to.  To reassert the steel upon my neck and that I am "in for it" when he gets home.

I love my Sir with all of my heart and all that I am.  The insecurity that can rage inside of me is nothing compared to that, and is the greatest tool that I have to conquer and overcome it.  I guessin part that is why I am working so hard on my story trying to piece thigns together beautifully, perfectly so that he can see how deep my desire for him runs.  How much of a slut I wish to be used as, toyed with used as His beast and then tossed to the side until he is ready for me again. 

*takes a deep breath*

See moment of insecurity over.  I love my Sir and I cannot wait for Him to be home and to replace His steel on my flesh.